Friday, December 23, 2011

if you see me in the grocery store, you should probably run the other direction



if you know me, know me.... (you know, like in real life and stuff) then you know that i'm not really a klutz. i do however do lots of stupid and silly things like, put gravy on my salad as the dressing... or fall completely sober on the dancefloor while having a pretend makeout session with my girlfriend during the song, "i kissed a girl"...

but otherwise... i don't think people think of me as a "klutz."

at least not to my face. haha :)

so, these last 2 trips of mine to the grocery store have been completely out of character. not to mention, dangerous! oooh, i've become dangerous. how sexy.

no no, this is not that kind of dangerous! it's the bad kind. the dangery kind. for reals. so if you see me- i am not kidding when i tell you... RUN THE OTHER WAY! get as far away from me as possible!

because two times ago i was in the pasta aisle and i turned a jar of sauce to read the label on the back, it fell off the shelf. i tried to do the whole juggle thing with my hands, while one arm was holding a carry on cart thing, and then my hair fell in front of my eyes and i had no idea where the jar was anymore. so i just threw my foot up in the air in the hopes that my leg would have eyes and be magical or something and i'd actually catch the freaking jar of sauce on my foot. or at least break its fall.

but no.

i don't think my magical foot was anywhere near the jar of sauce as it plummeted to the ground. do you know that my brain actually thought, "oh, it's not going to break. it's going to hit the ground and be totally fine. i broke its fall enough with my mad juggling skills that maybe it will BOUNCE when it lands."



i think my brain bounced.

that bitch SHATTERED to the floor below and broke into a billion pieces. did i mention that this aisle is right by the door? so everyone walking in was muttering things like, "awwwwww" and "oh no!!!" and there were gasps of horror. because this was clearly a tragic moment in grocery store history.

and i realize that people probably break things all the time in stores, but i never have before. and it looked like a freaking crime scene. it would have been awesome if someone had busted out some tape and outlined the blob on the ground. lol

okay... moving on to TODAY!

i grabbed a cart that had a weird front wheel. but me, being the non-discriminatory cart person that i am, stuck with the disabled shopping cart.

so once i was done shopping and the cart was filled with all my stupid shit... the front wheel STOPPED moving.

it just stopped.

have you ever had a cart stop moving on you before? well if you haven't, let me tell you what happens. you turn into a complete non functioning person. because your body doesn't stop trying to push the damn thing. but it's done moving. and then, everything happens really quickly.

so the wheel stopped.

but i didn't.

and the fucking thing TIPPED OVER ON ITS SIDE!

holy shit, i can't stop laughing right now. lol

it was so loud as it crashed to the freaking ground. and everyone waiting to check out was like, "OH MY GOD!" and "OH NO!" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "ARE YOU OKAY?"

what the hell? who has a shopping cart just tip all the way over? and do you know how ackward it is trying to put it back upright is? it doesn't want to go!!! good lord. lol

did i mention the eggs? oh yeah, they died.

another tragedy in the grocery store. thanks to yours truly.

clearly the lesson here is that i should no longer be allowed to grocery shop unsupervised.

or supervised.

i should probably be banned altogether.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm dyinggg right now! This post killed me...I am having visuals of these events! Not just to you but to anyone...although you sound like me with my "Only Me" motto!

The shopping cart incident = classic! I mean, really? Who does that happen to? YOU! The sauce, that happens more often than not....but the overturned shopping cart? That's a one in a million, for sure! LMFAO
I'm not laughing at you - Im laughing WITH you! LOL
Thanks for the much needed laugh...xoxoxo