Monday, November 14, 2011

i want all his days to be happy

i know it's not realistic.

and it's probably stupid to even think that i want this (because then how will he ever learn anything in life? grow? become determined? learn that life isn't fair and you have to work really hard for the things that you want? get focus? find strength? etc)... but the mom part of me really wants to protect my son from anything that could ever hurt or disappoint him in life.

i know it's dumb.

but really, am i the ONLY parent who's ever wanted to wrap their kid up in emotional bubble wrap that's coated with golden retriever puppies who never poo or pee in the house and always stay little? fine. i might be the only mom who's wanted to do that, exactly. but i'm sure i'm not the only parent who wishes she could spare her kid some pain.

i wonder if part of my want is based on the fact that it really.fucking.hurts when shitty things happen to your kid.

when they get let down, stepped on, treated unfairly or poorly, or when they have to sit by and watch part of a dream walk away- i feel like it hurts me a thousand times worse when it's something that's happening to him, as opposed to when it's something that's happening to me.

does that even make sense?

i guess the bottom line is, i hate to see my son not get the things he works hard to get. it hurts like hell. and i know it's a part of life, but it's a part that never seems to get any easier. matter of fact, it feels like it's only getting harder.

the let down's seem bigger.

the pain feels stronger.

this part was definitely left out of the mommy handbook. people never tell you the good stuff.

you're welcome.

ps- how are all of you parents with MORE than 1 kid, not complete and utter emotional wrecks all the time? you deserve medals. or cupcakes.


rachel said...

you know damn well you are not alone feeling like this. i had no idea. no clue on earth how deep those feelings would be felt until exactly 2pm on december 28th last year and from that moment, it was on. you described it perfectly....god, it is the world's worst heart-ripper-outer.
i hope everything is okay with you, girl.

ster said...

RACHEL!!!!!! i love you too! and i'm so happy you're blogging!!!!! finally. lol :)
it is. and it doesn't get easier. man, being a mom is tough- just based on the emotions and the feelings alone. it's the most overwhelmingly, painfully, beautiful thing ever. i <3 you.