Thursday, May 19, 2011

what path am i heading down?

i know that after a year of being unemployed, i should be foaming at the mouth at any job prospects, right?


then why is it, with every interview i go on.. i find myself less and less interested in working for other people? you know how you leave an interview and you're just dying with excitement and anticipation inside? you want the job SO BADLY you can taste it.... and you feel like if you don't get it, you'll be crushed?

i remember feeling like that.

but i'm not sure where those feelings went. cause i haven't felt like that one bit since getting fired. nothing has made me feel... well... in all honesty... anything.

and as i drive myself home from all my interviews, i find myself thinking constantly about how uninteresting the job sounded. or how unappealing. and i find that my WANT for what seems like any position- just isn't there.

and what the fuck man? cause shouldn't i be feeling the exact opposite? i mean, shouldn't i be wanting pretty much any job? shouldn't i be trying my damndest to get.. ANY job????

i probably should.


but you know what sucks? it's that i don't want to be unhappy. i don't want to be in the position i was in, in my last job. i NEVER want to be miserable working again. it's not worth it. it's not okay. we spend too much of our precious time working for other people. and if we don't LOVE what we're doing- it just seems like such a waste. for everyone involved. i like to care about my job. i like to be happy everyday. and i like to feel good about what i do. and i guess i'm not willing to compromise on that yet.

am i being an idiot?

logically, i try to convince myself that there is something wrong with me. lol but really. like maybe i've just become so complacent being home that i forget what working is like. or maybe i've lost sight of reality? or maybe i think i can behave this way because i have an unemployment check. (note to self, those will run out one day. soon. proceed to vomit)

but then there's something that lives inside me. let's call it my gut. and my gut talks to me... A LOT. and it tells me all sorts of things that when i say them out loud (like now) sound sort of insane....... but when i say them to myself, they resonate. they feel right. i don't have a reason for why i feel the way i do- i just do. and i trust it. i trust that whatever it is that i'm feeling- the non want, the disinterest, the feeling that "this isn't the right path for me..." it's all there for a reason.

there is a bigger picture.

and while it might not be clear, my feelings definitely are. i don't necessarily understand just what the hell is going on with me... but i do trust that i'll figure it all out.



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Anne said...

I think you're right to not want to compromise your values. Liking a job is super important. I only had one interview where I was like, "Please don't call me back... all the things that are wrong with your place, I don't want to have to clean up..."

And if you start a job knowing you aren't into it, it's like starting a relationship knowing you're not into a guy. It's just bound to fail.

ster said...

anne- i totally agree. and i don't want to take something that i will hate, or be miserable at, or be completely UNINTERESTED in doing. not at this point in my life. you know?!

the thing is- i feel like everything i used to want... everything that always interested me in the past, is no longer relevant. like the same things are not HOW i want to spend my time. and so i know what i love doing for ME- i know what i enjoy- it's just.... can i do those things AND make money consistantly?! lol

Jenny Mckay said...

Really think you should look into personal assisting. You obviously would be great at it. You make your own hours and set your pay rate. Keep checking "Gigs" Domestic to just start with. Once you get started people refer you and it goes from there. I love it and love my clients. Good luck on the search~