Monday, May 23, 2011

changing

i am going through so many changes.

we all are.

maybe some of us are fighting it more than others. are you in a bad relationship and you know you should let go, but you're fighting to hold onto it? or maybe you're in a job you can't stand.... and you stay there because you have security. or you're losing your house, but you're refusing to just.. let.it.go.

i think we all fight to hold on to those things that are familiar to us. familiar feels comfortable. and comfortable... well... it feels good.

change is scary. because it's unknown. and we don't know how it will feel. and not knowing how something will feel is sort of terrifying in its own right.

i'm definitely changing. it's as though i am going through all my old wants- everything that used to be okay... things i used to want (this is all career-wise).... i no longer desire.

i no longer have the desire to work at any cost.

i have no use for things that do not make my heart sing and my soul feel alive. :)

so i'm changing. and i'm finding new wants. and new desires.

and i know what they are, even though i keep trying to ask myself, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU TRULY WANT?!??!"

i know the answer.

but fear runs in and rears its ugly head- telling me that i can't possibly want what i want because HOW WILL YOU BE SUCCESSFUL AT IT????

and then that's where something else comes in....

and it tells me that i have to change the way i think and view the word "success." and i have to remind myself that success is just a word. and we've all given the word meaning. i'm told that i have to let go of the checklist i've created that defines what successful means.

i have to change the way i view success. it no longer has to fit into the box i've created. the box we, as a society, have created. you're only successful if you make lots of money. you're a success if you are the boss of a large corporation (and you're rich), or you run your own business (that makes lots of money).

success does not have to mean those things. maybe my new meaning for success should revolve all around being happy.

feeling fulfilled.

doing what calls to my heart and soul. being allowed to do those things.

writing. sharing my emotions, thoughts and beliefs with all who choose to read them.

of course i want money. but no, i don't have to be rich to feel successful.

i think to me...... my new success, would involve writing. and having people enjoy what i write. and yes, making some money of course (so i could feel like a contributing member of my household)..

i'm still figuring it all out- what success would mean to me. but the main thing is happiness. truly loving what you do, and who you affect, and feeling good about the contribution you're making.

anyone else feel like their changing? growing... evolving?

3 comments:

Jax said...

I love this post. I completely agree with you. I think my definition of success has definitely evolved as I got older and grew into my big girl pants. Things look so black and white when you're young, but when you're actually out there, working, you think "Wait, I could make tons of money sacrificing everything I believe.. or I could do something I love and not make as much money but be happy?" It's a much easier decision as you get older. And I, too, believe that being "fulfilled" is much more rewarding than many other things in life....

nic said...

A couple things come to mind after reading your post. John Lennon put it this way. "There are TWO basic motivating forces: FEAR and LOVE. When we are afraid, we PULL back from life. When we are in LOVE, we OPEN to all that life has to offer with PASSION, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love OURSELVES first, in all our GLORY and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot FULLY open to our ability to love OTHERS or our potential to CREATE.

EVOLUTION and all hopes for a better world rest in the FEARLESSNESS and open-hearted VISION of people who EMBRACE life."
~ John Lennon ~

"...Sometimes I get NERVOUS, when I see an OPEN door. Close your EYES. Clear your HEART. Cut the CORD..." ~ The Killers - Human ~

I too find myself at a pivotal moment in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I am the lesser of people that may be thinking the same and feeling the 'changes' that bring us to a point of questioning. I feel it's a transition, as we get older - and a good one I may add - but intimidating as well, because of that "feeling of the unknown". but it's refreshing to know that even as we change - we are continuously LEARNING - and thus our own definition of success changes with that.

Becky at lifeoutoffocus said...

I'm glad you finally accepted that working isn't for everyone and NOT for you at the moment...or ever again. I like all the side things you're doing much more. They suit you better.