Sunday, April 24, 2011

when did i become a passenger in my own life?

sometimes i sit and wonder how the hell my life has gotten to the point it's currently at.

but mostly, i wonder why the fuck i can't get out of it? why can't i seem to change any part of it?

i feel like i'm up against this brick wall- fighting, scratching, clawing, punching.. doing anything i can to break through it. and on the other side are these ridiculously muscular animated thugs- who keep piling on more and more cement so that the wall can NEVER come down. but see, i have no idea they're there.. piling on more cement. but they know i'm trying to get through. and everytime they hear me fighting, they laugh.

at me.

because in their minds, my fight is pathetic. my strength is weak. they know that unless THEY allow me get through the wall, it's never going to happen. i fight, kick, scream, do everything i can to move one of the bricks... even if it's just in the slightest. but they're always there- making sure that exact thing doesn't happen.

and so i sit here... wondering... how did i get to a place where i'm currently unemployed, can barely get any interviews, will probably foreclose on my first house soon, living up in northern california with no end in sight, feeling completely unsuccessful when i should be anything BUT.. ???? not really how did all of this happen, but moreso why won't any of it end?

when did i become the passenger in the car driving my life?

it's as though i'm in a "view only" seat. i can no longer make the decisions. i can no longer decide where we're turning or what direction we're heading...

it's literally as though what i want and what i strive for no longer has any relevance. none of it matters. because i'm no longer making my reality... well... real.

and i wonder if this is some sick sort of lesson i'm supposed to be learning about letting go.. giving up control.. trusting that things will work out when and how they're supposed too... but really? how can you ask someone to give up complete and total control in their own life? because that's how i feel.

powerless.

it's been over a year of me fighting for change. fighting to make a difference in my own life. reaching for the things i truly want, only to have them kept out of reach. putting myself out there time and time again, only to have it all thrown back in my face. or completely ignored. not sure which is worse.

the bottom line is- if i'm not driving the car of my life... who the hell is? and how can i kick them the fuck out and get back in the driver's seat?


edited to add... just want to make sure y'all know that i'm not depressed, i'm not sad, i'm not in a bad way- i'm just simply trying to point out how it feels to be me right now. just matter of factly. i simply feel like i have no say what goes on in my life right now. like no matter what i try to accomplish or achieve, it's 100% out of my control, and not working for me. the end. :)

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just know that you aren't alone Jenn. You will be okay.

IzzyMom said...

Oh honey, I didn't realize things had gotten so tough. I know I'm on the other side of the country but if there's anything I can do...you WILL let me know. Also, I expect to be in Norcal the week before BlogHer and I'd love to see you. {{{hugs}}}

ster said...

Izz... :) thank u.
You will be here before blogher? When?? I think im gone... i leave august 4th for new york with blake for a tournament. When are u here, for how long, where r u staying... details!!!!

Jake said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

You've been on my mind lately and I was trying to find time to send you a more personal email. But really I just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you. I hope things turn around soon - they have to right!! I am glad you're keeping a level head through it all. I admire your strength. Sending good Canadian vibes to you! xox

Brie said...

are you in my mind reading my thoughts?

You wrote exactly what I've been feeling.