i feel awful. the other week, i was sick to my stomach just THINKING about foreclosing.
on one hand, i need to be free of this house that weighs me down. it's like a fucking anchor in the sea of life, and if i do not cut free from it, it will literally pull me under the waves and laugh as i drown.
this house is killing me.
i can sit here and tell you that i never should have done it. never should have bought it, but none of that matters. doesn't matter what i should have done, or could have done... the point is, i did buy the house. and now i need to unbuy it. that would be cool- an unbuy option. money back guarantee. someone invent that. tomorrow.
anyway.. when i think about being free from this burden (and trust me when i tell you that my shoulders carry the weight of this burden and they are only so strong), it feels good. i am certain that at some point, i will feel immense relief from being out from under this. at some point.
because when i think about NOT paying my mortgage anymore... you know, willingly and knowingly NOT paying my mortgage anymore...well, that makes me want to throw up. it makes me feel horrible. like everything inside me gets twisted up like a fork twisting spaghetti.
i think it's because that's not the kind of person i am. i don't just NOT pay for things. i don't skip on my credit card bills, or car payments, or any payments. i pay for my shit. and i pay it on time. hence the shining gold star credit rating i currently have.. and will soon lose. because i am choosing to save myself, instead of drown.
i think i just want it out there that this decision, no matter how right it is for me, and how much sense it makes financially... has been one of the toughest decisions i've ever had to make. and even though i know that getting out from under this house will be the best thing for our family, the actual process of DOING that (instead of just thinking about it) is so unbelievably hard.
it is one thing to talk about what we should do. it is another to actually start doing it.you all know that we've tried to work with the bank. apparently having a mortgage that is 61% of our current gross monthly income is perfectly acceptable and not worthy of a loan modification. last week i read more things than i can even understand about short sales, home loan mods, what crooks the banks are, foreclosure, credit scores, etc. it all boils down to the simple fact that the banks make more money foreclosing on your home, than they do working with you to modify your loan, or accomodating a short sale. i know that doesn't seem like it makes any sense, but it's the truth. THE BANKS MAKE MORE MONEY IF THEY FORECLOSE ON YOUR HOME. hence, they don't give a shit if that's exactly what happens to you.
so we've decided that come next month, we will no longer be making our mortgage payments. the thing is, we're making them now- but it's at the cost of our property taxes and home owners insurance. if we were get either of those bills in the next month or so, we'd have NO money to pay them. i'd like to think that once we stop paying, the bank will work with us, but i've read far too many horror stories online to know that it's more than likely, not the case. they make more money if we foreclose, remember?
i don't know what's going to happen, but i'm sure it won't be pretty. this totally sucks.