i am really angry.
i am beyond bitter.
and i don't want to be either of those terrible emotions anymore. i know time is the best healer, and i've sat here day after day expecting the negative feelings to dissipate with time. it's almost as though i've half expected to wake up one morning with all the resentment and bitterness magically gone. but the truth is, they aren't really going anywhere (at least they don't feel like they are). i could point to you the exact location where they have taken up residence inside my body- because i FEEL them in there. a large ball of wadded up negativity that doesn't belong inside me. it's like a foreign feeling.
and it's time to evict it!
i realized the other day that i need to take an active approach to ridding myself of these feelings. it hasn't been enough for me to simply say things like "i let go" or "i release this" with my thoughts... that hasn't been working. AT ALL. so i've come to the conclusion that i need to perform a physical act of letting go. i need to do more to help my mind, my spirit and my body release the thoughts and feelings that i've allowed to hold me prisoner for the last year, because i felt it was well within my rights to feel the way i did. and it was... well within my rights to feel the way i did. but i no longer choose to harbor these emotions. they are holding me back. they are holding me down. they aren't doing anything positive for me or my growth-
so i have to
LET. THEM. GO!!!!
so this is me... physically allowing myself to let go of all the anger. and documenting the process. because it's important to me. and maybe it will resonate with someone else.
step 1- i wrote down every negative emotion, feeling, or word that i associated with that environment. no matter how awful, how negative, how mean.... if i FELT it, i acknowledged it, and wrote it on its own piece of paper. i gave the word power by writing it down.
step 4- i lit the pieces of paper on fire.
i literally burned them to ash. all of the negative feelings and emotions that i had been harboring for the past year... all the words i had just given POWER by writing down... i BURNED THEM TO NOTHING. and then the paper no long existed. the words written on the paper no longer existed. everything looked the same. black, bits of leftover ash from what once was.
step 5- then, i set the ashes free.
and at the risk of sounding completely cheesy... i got chills from head to toe when the last set of ashes flew into the breeze. and my heart felt lighter... less constricted... better somehow.
and i took a deep breath and i knew.. it would all be okay.