Wednesday, January 05, 2011

why i didn't win the mega millions

and no, it wasn't because i didn't buy a ticket.

because i did.

it was because only one of my numbers was drawn.

ONE!

mega millions sucks. i hate it. i've finally decided that playing the mega millions, super lotto and those things, are kind of like playing the tables in casino's. and i hate the tables in casino's!!! it's too easy to lose money fast! i hate losing. so now i hate the MM and i'll never play again.

*insert 5 year old temper tantrum here*

i like the scratchers! they're like the slot machines of the lottery. totally up my alley. random, silly fun for like 2 whole seconds. but those 2 whole seconds while you're scratching are super exciting! anything could happen! you could win the biggest prize! or better yet, 20 bucks. admit it.. when you win 20 bucks on a stupid scratcher you get excited. kind of like watching the dumb wheels of a slot machine turn and turn wondering what they'll land on.

clearly, i have issues.

but see, i want to win money! and i want to win more than scratchers (and most slot machines) can give me. so i played the mega millions. and got ONE DUMB NUMBER. and so today i'm all pissy. cause it wasn't even fun. and i hate losing. and i want money. and i want a lot of it. cause i want all sorts of things. and i want to have more money than i know what to do with, cause that would be FUN! and i want property everywhere. i want my biggest concern to be which house we want to spend our vacation at. could you imagine? "oh gosh, we are just so torn over whether we should go to our villa in italy, or our castle in ireland." do they have castles in ireland?

i just want stuff. i want houses. and condo's. and apartments. and villa's. and a new car (or 5). and a puppy (or 12). i totally also want some sort of enormous salt water pool so i can have a dolphin. and if i won the lottery, i could totally have a dolphin. because people can't resist wads of cash for things they aren't supposed to sell you. and plus i'm a girl, so i'd just cry or something to get my way. so yeah. you'd be all jealous of me and my dolphin... who of course would have magical healing powers and would know if someone was sick, or had cancer or some disease.. and could heal them. and then people would travel from all over the world to visit my magical, healing, jesus dolphin and my house would turn into some kind of circus because freaking yahoo put it on their front page and then that just made even more people want to visit my dolphin. and i'd get all bitter and pissed off and say things like "of course out of ALL the dolphins in the whole entire world, i had to go and pick the magical healing one. GREAT!"

... maybe i won't get a dolphin afterall.

stupid life ruining dolphin.

if i won the lottery, i could buy off a book agent, and then a publishing house and before you know it, i'd have a published novel. oh yes, i have no shame. i love my book and if i had to bribe someone to publish it, i'd totally do it. cause i'd be rich and completely not above that sort of thing.

wow, just pretend rich and i've already lost all my morals. i think this is what happens when someone stays unemployed for too long. or maybe this is what happens when you're just me.

so, um, back on track... did you play the crazy mega millions for yesterday? better yet, did you win? HA :)

9 comments:

Laura said...

My husband and I spent last night planning how we'd spend our money if we won. This is one of his favorite activities. The big thing last night was that we wouldn't tell anyone that we'd won. We went into the planning that we would get an attorney to draw up a binding agreement for all our relatives to sign that forbid them from telling. We'd pay off all their mortgages, etc. but they COULDN'T TELL. I wondered how we'd work out getting buildings named after us if we didn't tell anyone about our winnings. Example: We make a huge donation to the local high school and they name a football field after us. We couldn't do it in our name because then we'd have the whole town begging donations from us. Church would be easy - we'd just donate a million dollars anonymously and all their money troubles would go away. Oh - we love to dream :)....

jennster said...

laura- i TOTALLY have thought the same thing, about trying to keep it all secret! so no one knew that you won, except your close family and friends.. cause i would want to pay off all their homes too! how freaking rad would that be to do for someone?? the amount of stress you could relieve for those you care about, would be the coolest thing ever!!!!!!!

and you know what? i totally hope you win! we can both win! hell, we can freaking ALL win! :)

Angelika said...

Um, I would not be jealous of your dolphin. I've seen too many videos of those horny mofo's nose raping women (maybe men too).

Do you know that dolphins masturbate? No joke.

Now I want to masturbate.

Thanks, HEFFER! ;-p

Angelika said...

OMG my freaking pic looks so good. I should start wearing those gray contacts again...

NancyC said...

I would need to play the lottery and haven't in a long time. I'd love to win something big but usually have more fun doing the scratch offs. I only go to the penny or nickle slots at the casinos. I hate losing money.

It would be nice to pay off mortgages, debt, etc. of family and friends without them knowing about it. I'd love to do some extensive traveling and have a really big home with everything I want.

Alison said...

If I won, I'd quit teaching and keep all the money to myself. Mwahahaha!

Anonymous said...

If you would've picked Hurley's (from Lost) numbers, you would have had 4 numbers.

That's so funny that 4 of the #s were the same as that. Weird.

BTW, I could use a magical healing dolphin right about now. :)

Jennie said...

To be honest, if I won the lottery, I don't think I would even quit my job. I really love my work and like to think I am making a difference in children's lives.

I would probably take a nice vacation and give most of the winnings to charity....except for the purchase of a nice house, car, a Forever 21 store, Baskin Robbins, Taco Bell, and Straw Hat Pizzaria.

Maybe I wouldn't have so much to donate to charity after all.

J from Ireland said...

Hahahaha Jenn that is so me. I want to win the lotto soooo badly. I want to be filthy rich but far too lazy to make it myself. Oh and yes there are such beautiful castles here in Ireland!