this is a little bit of a crazy post for me to write.. because well, to me.. the topic is just kind of insane. but hear me out.
since i've been unemployed (holy shit people, we are coming up on a year at the end of march. A YEAR!!!!) i've been having to get creative and think about what it is i really want to do with myself. i keep coming back to the same kinds of things. and it's probably because they are all things i enjoy doing in my free time. but the honest to god truth is, i don't think i'd want to do just one of them all the time.
i take that back. cause i would be perfectly fine with writing my novels all the time. :)
okay.. so i'm in the middle of redesigning my personal website to make it less personal in terms of pictures of my family and stuff.. but more personal in terms of the kind of things i'd like to offer. you can all have a piece of jennster!!!! for a price. lol no. what i mean is that i'm trying to put together one place where all my interests exist. where everything that i'd like to offer in terms of services, can be found in one centralized location. those things are, my books i'm writing and WILL publish one way or another, photography for myself and others, cupcakes for myself and others, and this here blog.
wow. somewhere along the road to my point, i've taken a huge detour. *ahem*
so with all these services, it has me thinking about whether or not i can turn these into something that makes me enough money to live off of? basically, can i be successful at any (or ALL) of these things? and then when i think about it..... for example, say my cupcakes really took off and suddenly i had people ordering from me everyday.
that whole concept scares the living shit out of me. like right now, just thinking about that, makes my stomach and chest feel weird. and i realized just this afternoon, that that feeling i am feeling...
and not even the fear of failing. it's the mother fucking FEAR OF SUCCEEDING!!!!!! who the hell fears being a success?!?
so then i was talking to myself in the car, telling myself that i was scared of something becoming successful. but why? what about it scares me? is it the fact that i'd have to really follow through on the concept? was i scared of feeling like i "had" to do something that right now i tell myself i do because i don't "have" too? or is it the fact that succeeding is such a foreign feeling, that it's incredibly scary because it's unknown?
i don't fear failing.
i've failed before.
i don't care that i've "failed." but failing... trying something and having it not work at all... totally feels FINE to me. it doesn't scare me. it doesn't make my chest tighten up. it doesn't make me feel anything WEIRD.
WHY THE FUCK NOT?!
it's almost like it's expected. like i expect, or just assume that i'll fail. (this is NOT a self pity thing at all, so please do not read into like that.. there is NO self pity here, no lack of awesomeness, no lack of love for self.... just apparently lack of something?!)
i don't know... maybe because i know what failing feels like? since it's not an unfamiliar feeling, it doesn't scare me? i'm scared to succeed because i feel like that is the unknown. doing something on my own and trying to make a living from it... that is unfamiliar to me. having it actually work? again, my chest just tried to make my heart stop beating.... i feel like i wouldn't know what to do with myself.
so apparently i have a fear of success. even though i want things to be good, and i want to be good doing them... i fear it.
is that completely not normal? people, i need you. talk to me.