Friday, December 30, 2011

my wish for YOUR 2012

i love new years eve!! it is one of my most favorite days of the year! i associate it with new beginnings, the pursuit of dreams and realizations and goals fulfilled... and of course, my most favorite... MAGIC!

new years eve to me is magical. it's an evening filled with wonder. and hope. when our eyes and hearts seem more open than usual to the possibilities of what's to come... what will the upcoming year hold for us?

my wish for everyone in this 2-0-1-2 is...

that we are all blessed enough to follow our hearts. to feel as though we are doing what we are meant to.

that when we hear our soul's call, urging us to do that certain something that seems impossible, THAT WE AT LEAST TRY TO DO IT!

i hope that we all have the doors to our hearts open wide. and when those doors open, we feel things in ways we've never felt before. we see things through clearer eyes. we feel things through a fuller heart.

i hope that 2012 shifts our perspective. i hope we all start seeing our world differently. through heart shaped glasses instead of dollar signs. i hope we see riches defined less with the amount of money in our pockets, and more with the amount of love we are giving and receiving. sure, love doesn't pay the bills at night- but money doesn't warm your soul.

i hope that we are all blessed enough to realize what it was that we were put on this earth, in this lifetime, to do- and that just the realization alone brings us more internal peace than we've ever known before.

i'm really not sure that i can say it better than Oprah did on her finale. it held as much meaning for me then, as it does now. i hope when you read this, you find yourself shaking your head YES in agreement. i hope it speaks to you, the way it spoke to me.

"What I knew for sure from this experience with you is that we are all called.

Everybody has a calling, and your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it.

Every time we have seen a person on this stage who is a success in their life, they spoke of the job, and they spoke of the juice that they receive from doing what they knew they were meant to be doing. We saw it in the volunteers who rocked abandoned babies in Atlanta. We saw it with those lovely pie ladies from Cape Cod making those delicious potpies. ... We saw it every time Tina Turner, Celine, Bocelli or Lady Gaga lit up the stage with their passion.

Because that is what a calling is.

It lights you up and it lets you know that you are exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.

And that is what I want for all of you and hope that you will take from this show.

To live from the heart of yourself.

You have to make a living; I understand that.

But you also have to know what sparks the light in you so that you, in your own way, can illuminate the world."

Happy 2012 everyone! let this be the year that we each go out and find what illuminates us, and light up the world with our inner glow!


Friday, December 23, 2011

if you see me in the grocery store, you should probably run the other direction

um.

y'all?

if you know me, know me.... (you know, like in real life and stuff) then you know that i'm not really a klutz. i do however do lots of stupid and silly things like, put gravy on my salad as the dressing... or fall completely sober on the dancefloor while having a pretend makeout session with my girlfriend during the song, "i kissed a girl"...

but otherwise... i don't think people think of me as a "klutz."

at least not to my face. haha :)

so, these last 2 trips of mine to the grocery store have been completely out of character. not to mention, dangerous! oooh, i've become dangerous. how sexy.

no no, this is not that kind of dangerous! it's the bad kind. the dangery kind. for reals. so if you see me- i am not kidding when i tell you... RUN THE OTHER WAY! get as far away from me as possible!

because two times ago i was in the pasta aisle and i turned a jar of sauce to read the label on the back, it fell off the shelf. i tried to do the whole juggle thing with my hands, while one arm was holding a carry on cart thing, and then my hair fell in front of my eyes and i had no idea where the jar was anymore. so i just threw my foot up in the air in the hopes that my leg would have eyes and be magical or something and i'd actually catch the freaking jar of sauce on my foot. or at least break its fall.

but no.

i don't think my magical foot was anywhere near the jar of sauce as it plummeted to the ground. do you know that my brain actually thought, "oh, it's not going to break. it's going to hit the ground and be totally fine. i broke its fall enough with my mad juggling skills that maybe it will BOUNCE when it lands."

ahem.

bounce?

i think my brain bounced.

that bitch SHATTERED to the floor below and broke into a billion pieces. did i mention that this aisle is right by the door? so everyone walking in was muttering things like, "awwwwww" and "oh no!!!" and there were gasps of horror. because this was clearly a tragic moment in grocery store history.

and i realize that people probably break things all the time in stores, but i never have before. and it looked like a freaking crime scene. it would have been awesome if someone had busted out some tape and outlined the blob on the ground. lol

okay... moving on to TODAY!

i grabbed a cart that had a weird front wheel. but me, being the non-discriminatory cart person that i am, stuck with the disabled shopping cart.

so once i was done shopping and the cart was filled with all my stupid shit... the front wheel STOPPED moving.

it just stopped.

have you ever had a cart stop moving on you before? well if you haven't, let me tell you what happens. you turn into a complete non functioning person. because your body doesn't stop trying to push the damn thing. but it's done moving. and then, everything happens really quickly.

so the wheel stopped.

but i didn't.

and the fucking thing TIPPED OVER ON ITS SIDE!

holy shit, i can't stop laughing right now. lol

it was so loud as it crashed to the freaking ground. and everyone waiting to check out was like, "OH MY GOD!" and "OH NO!" "WHAT HAPPENED?" "ARE YOU OKAY?"

what the hell? who has a shopping cart just tip all the way over? and do you know how ackward it is trying to put it back upright is? it doesn't want to go!!! good lord. lol

did i mention the eggs? oh yeah, they died.

another tragedy in the grocery store. thanks to yours truly.

clearly the lesson here is that i should no longer be allowed to grocery shop unsupervised.

or supervised.

i should probably be banned altogether.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

dear facebook - aka the place that can't leave well enough alone

please dear god, for the love of all that is holy and right with this world,

STOP FUCKING WITH MY PROFILE PAGE!!!!!!


i sincerely do not understand why that concept is so fucking difficult for you to grasp? why do you INSIST on changing our pages every 6 months? i freaking LOATHE it, every.single.time.

but this time? it's the worst. the banner and what-not is sort of cute- totally liveable, but the rest of it? confusing as all hell. makes no sense. why is everything all over the place in little myspace boxes? but it's not even different information. it's just status updates everywhere. it's freaking stupid, mark fuckerface.

if i could close my account and still be able to maintain my "fan" pages, i would. because you make me HATE facebook. you make it suck. and i don't understand why you can't just leave well enough alone?

also, since you clearly have a problem sitting still... or you constantly have a "let's redesign everyone's profile pages.. again! and then let's do it again tomorrow! oh, this is so much fun!" hair up your ass.... can you at least make the update OPTIONAL?

so if people love the new pages layout and look- they can choose to display their page that way? and for those of us (the smarter bunch) who know how messy and stupid it looks, can keep our pages the way we like?

i hate you.

you're like some sort of lunatic who gives people no choice. you probably get off on the control.

well knock it off, fuckerbitch. you're pissing me off.

but i'm sure you'll do it again in 6 months.

Friday, December 16, 2011

why does everyone always want everything for FREE?

i have found that trying to start your own business(es) means:

that people will constantly surprise and amaze you.

in both good and bad ways.

the people you know will want your services for nothing. or at least at an extremely discounted rate. and while i understand that to a degree on one hand- the other hand, (you know, the one that's empty and has no money in it because i don't have a job and i'm trying to create ONE by starting a business) is like.. WHAT THE FUCK? if i give everyone i know all my services and products for FREE, then how am i ever supposed to make any money? i can't create or be successful in any business i try to launch, if i don't charge my friends at least something.

and that's the other thing- i cannot for the life of me, imagine asking one of my friends who is trying to start a business, to do some of the things i'm asked to do...

it's one thing if it's offered.
it's another thing if it's not.


part of me thinks that people just don't get it. what goes into everything i do. i mean, how can they?

if you aren't a photographer then you don't you don't know what it's like to shoot hundreds of photos during one session, and then spend over/up to 2 hours just narrowing down the best shots. and then i typically spend anywhere from six to ten hours processing the photos. it may not sound like much, but it is a lot of detail work. a lot of staring at the computer, making a beautiful shot, even more beautiful. i love the results i get, but it IS work for me to get them that way. and it's time consuming.

if you're not a baker then you don't know that i worked my ass off for over 16 months on my cupcake recipes and frostings. you don't know that i didn't have a chocolate frosting for almost 2 years because i couldn't make one that didn't taste like shit on my cupcakes. you don't understand how much time, care, and perfection goes into baking up the yummiest cupcakes in the world (ahem, those would be mine by the way... in case you were wondering-lol). but i guess the thing that tends to shock me the most when it comes to my cupcake business... is the sheer number of people who ask me for my recipes.

MY RECIPES!!!!!!

why the hell would i give you my recipes to my cupcakes? then you would never order them from me again because you could just make them yourself. and really, WHO asks that of someone?

i guess the same kind of people who ask me for my books for free. i wrote that book. it took me almost a year from start to finish to have that book ready to print. it came from my guts. why wouldn't you want to support it? i have to buy my books in advance. they cost money. and then i have to pay for shipping. that costs money too. i don't make that much profit on my paperback books. but some of my friends want them for free. for every person who i gave a free paperback copy too- i PAID you. not only did i give you the book, but i gave you the money it cost to make it, write it, ship it, etc.

you're welcome.


and i don't mean to sound like a bitch or anything, but it's just that i'm shocked i guess at how many people want something for nothing. especially when they know i'm currently unemployed. i don't have a job. i don't have an income. why the fuck would you want my stuff for free?

it surprises me everyday the people who choose to support me (in all honesty, it surprises me everyday as well, the people who choose NOT too). i never expected that so many people that i went to HIGH SCHOOL with would buy my book. i know that might sound weird, but high school was a long ass time ago. so many of my hs friends have jumped on the book train, simply to support what i'm trying to do. and that, is really what true friends are made of.


i could not appreciate their support any more than i already do. they all blew my mind. in the best way possible. so i thank them for that.


it's been amazing seeing who has supported and bought my book. it's also been a little sad at seeing certain groups of people not support, not help, not offer something to spread the word (when they have a lot they could do with their reach, influence, followers, fans), but i guess that's life.

i'm definitely learning who i can count on to be there for me ... as well as who won't. it's just funny, the people i expected hands down to really do something- haven't at all. a group of people who claim to be so focused on community, support and building each other up- they all just want THEMSELVES built up.

but then again, maybe i haven't done enough for them in the past?

who knows?

all i do know is- if you have a friend who is trying to start a business- be considerate, and offer to pay for their services. they'll thank you for it down the road.

:)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

being an indepenent author ...

means i call myself things like an "indie" author... or that i "self pubbed" ... basically, without asking for it, i'm now part of a club. a group. because i self published, i'm a part of indie authors who also did the same thing.

the thing is- the shift is happening. no longer does self publishing = shitty books. there are some damn good self published books out there. some really great writers who couldn't, or didn't, get representation from an agency, or a publishing house.

it's cool though- because most of the indie authors i've come across? are truly nice people. they are helpful. and inspiring. and encouraging.

we ALL want one another to succeed. because the more indie authors who break the "norm" and succeed, the more regular readers stop to take notice of what's out there.

because honestly, that's the hardest part for me about self publishing.

no one helps you market your books. no one gets a million people to hear about your book and then insists that they buy it. i spend days upon days online doing social marketing for myself and my book(s). i mean that i have to set aside full and complete days when i will do NOTHING else (no writing, no designing, no notes) except comment on blogs, ask people to read and review my book, post on goodreads, facebook, twitter.

it's a lot of work. and i know it may not sound like it to you, but i guess it's just time consuming. and it sucks when you don't seem to get ANYTHING out of it. it sucks when you spend a shitload of time marketing your book, but you get zero book sales out of it.

anyway... the new elite group that i'm a part of (indie authors, remember)... we're having an INDIE AUTHOR BLOWOUT!

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS BOOK SPECTACULAR!!

hundreds of e-books, all genres, all for only .99 cents!!!!!

http://indiebookblowout.com


i don't even have a freaking e-reader, but i'm going to download some of the books because there are some fantastic sounding books on this list! (i think i can read them on my phone, or computer, maybe??)

my book, IN DREAMS, will be featured on DAY SIX of the blowout!

anyway, it's a great way to discover new independent authors and maybe find some great stories! you can also enter to win a kindle! pretty cool eh?

help spread the word... or shout it out on twitter?

you guys are the only help we have. so THANK YOU.

if you buy from indie authors... thank you for the support.

truly.


Saturday, December 03, 2011

new doggy!

a friend of boyfriend's inherited a doggy.
well, it was his mom's dog...but his mommy passed away.
so then it was his dad's dog...but his dad is sick.
and well, he can't keep the dog.

so boyfriend said we would take him and if our other psychotic/crazy dog could be normal and not be affected by the new addition....

THEN WE COULD KEEP HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm already in love!!!!

so, meet PETE! :)
















who i affectionately call things like "pegged leg pete the pirate of the pacific" ... "peter mcpeterson" ... and... "fat head."

but i realized today that i really want to call him BEAR! cause pete... well it doesn't flow. and it doesn't fit him, really.
















so i'll start him off slow... tomorrow i'm gonna start calling him "petey bear"... and eventually i'll drop the petey altogether and he'll just be bear!

poor thing won't know what hit him. ha! :)

























but really, isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen?!?!?!



Wednesday, November 30, 2011

there once was a mouse named christmas

the other day while the boy and i were chilling downstairs, i saw something scurry out of the corner of my eye.

WHAT WAS THAT??!?!?! i wondered to myself before i saw IT scurry again.

it was a mouse!

a mouse!

in my house!!!

which most of you are probably freaking out, and shuddering, or being like EWWWWWW! right? because i think that's probably a normal reaction to a rodent being in the house.

but um, not if you're me.

cause if you're me... then you're like, "oh my god, he's sooooooooo cute! and little! and FAST! and can i catch him and keep him as a pet? pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

because clearly, i am not a normal.

and probably also because when i saw that little mouse, i give him a name like CHRISTMAS, and i dressed him in clothes and hats in my head.

you know, like this (blame bass/rankin)


















aren't they cute?!?!?!!

told you. :)

okay, so i want to catch christmas and keep him as a pet and watch him fix my broken clock that sings christmas carols to santa, but boyfriend is all like, "YOU ARE DISGUSTING! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? IT'S A FILTHY RODENT THAT CARRIES GERMS AND DISEASES AND YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM AS A PET!!!!!"

clearly, boyfriend sees christmas like this




























anyway, after his response i made my bestest sad face and eyes.

he was unfazed.

he's heartless.

so tonight... just now in fact.. i was looking under the kitchen sink and THERE WAS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!

dead.

in a mouse trap.


and that my friends, is the short story of a mouse named christmas.



i'm going to go cry now.

Monday, November 28, 2011

what new tv shows are you loving?

it's been enough time for us to decide what new tv shows we love! and what ones we think suck! ha!

what are you watching this season that you're loving?

for me, on monday nights, i've completely fallen for hart of dixie! i loved this show from the get go! i've missed rachel bilson and i <3 my girl, jaime king... i think the show is really cute, sweet, with likeable characters. i sort of want to live there. we NEED a show like this- a show that reminds us about community, family, eating good food and tradition. it makes me smile. :)

i also am really liking the secret circle (right after my MOST FAVORITE SHOW IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD RIGHT NOW, the vampire diaries on thursday nights) because it's about witches and spells and magic! and did you know i'm writing a witch series? i started thinking that i didn't want to watch this show because the first episode was EERILY similiar to how my book starts, but after watching it more, we're not on the same path. lol so i like it! it's fun, although the opening music terrifies the hell out of me!

revenge on wednesday's is the bomb. even though i find it COMPLETELY predictable at times, i still find it RIDICULOUSLY enjoyable. i think it's unlike any other show i've seen before. i like the premise and i love the outlandish characters. it's entertaining and i'm hooked!

last but not least, i'm in love with once upon a time on sunday nights. i don't know what exactly it is about this show, but i freaking A-D-O-R-E it! i think it is SO creative, clever and puts a twist on every single fairy tale we've ever known or heard of. it's brilliant. i love it. i have no idea how or where it's going to go, but i'm excited to follow!

so yeah! those are my shows!!! what are you watching and loving? i wanna know! :)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

holiday's are for grieving

it's that time of year again.

the start of the holiday season. where everyone i know can't stop thinking about the people they've lost. where the days become that much harder to get through. where our thoughts are consumed by the ones we don't have anymore.

and i totally get it.

i do.

it's fucking hard this time of year. it's hard because the entire focus of the holiday's is on family and love and being surrounded by those people you care the most about.

well what if the people you care the most about are no longer living?

then how are you supposed to find your happiness? how are you supposed to be thankful? how are the holiday's supposed to bring you joy, instead of sadness? sometimes it's really hard to see around our grief.... to see through the pain of loss.

for everyone who is struggling this time of year:

i send you peace.

and love.

and the hope that you will find it a little easier to spend your time seeing the people and things you do have in your life. the ones who love us, believe in us, support us, encourage us, lift us up, shape us, etc. instead of the ones you don't.

if we spend the whole day thinking only about what we've lost, then we lose sight on what's right in front of us. we stop seeing the people in front of our eyes when we focus solely on the ones we've lost sight of.

they wouldn't want that.

hell, they don't want that. cause you know they're watching. and when we're nothing but sad, it makes them sad. you know?

anyway, happy thanksgiving everyone.

i hope you have a day that's filled with love. and when you find yourself grieving for those who are gone and you get lost in old memories... don't forget about the ones who are still right there with you, waiting to make new ones.

(i know, i know... so much easier said than done)

Monday, November 21, 2011

12 days of christmas!

just a quick post to let you know that i'll be participating in the 12 days of christmas .99 cent e-book special!

there will be HUNDREDS of kindle books for sale!

HUNDREDS!

all for .99 cents! :)

i'll post more information as soon as i get it, but i'm excited to be included in this!
the end. :)

ps- i've written a complete version of my upcoming book, Chance Encounters! it's currently with my editor, so we'll see if I can get it out before the holiday's? :)

Friday, November 18, 2011

breaking dawn pt 1

yeah, yeah... you all KNOW i saw this movie. and you also know i can't resist writing about it. lol



um... i sort of feel about this one the way i felt about the first harry potter movie. i mean, the first half of the last hp movie.



i was sort of bored with this movie. don't get me wrong, the wedding scene was stunning! gorgeous! beautiful! and in all honesty, i LOVED how the characters laughed, smiled and genuinely had more fun in this movie than they have in all 3 other movies combined.



i think we've gone full past movies without a single smile from edward or bella. who wants to see frowny faces all the time? not me.



so yeah-i love that they are finally happy (for the most part). and i really love how all of them are together in this movie- the whole cullen clan plus the wolfies. it's nice to have everyone around all the time. it was romantic and sweet.



but yeah.


the wedding scene was a little long.


and the honeymoon scene was way too long.



i think they could have put the whole book into one movie. they definitely could have condensed this entire movie down into the necessary parts required to lead into the finale.



but they didn't.


of course.


cause if you were making the kind of money these movies were, would you? no, i didn't think so. i'd probably be like, LET'S MAKE EACH CHAPTER ITS OWN MOVIE! ha



thankfully, the actors have come a long way. their acting flows better and they're all clearly comfortable with one another. it shows. i did miss the humor that emmitt normally has. but the edward and jacob scenes were nice. and little wolfie seth was awesome. they did the bella starving scenes grotesquely well. her body was horrifying. *shudder*



so yeah. now i can't wait for the 2nd movie because it's going to be all the action and all the good stuff (just like the 2nd harry potter).



and the fact that we all have to wait an entire year for it, when it's already done- it just annoying. lol

Monday, November 14, 2011

i want all his days to be happy

i know it's not realistic.

and it's probably stupid to even think that i want this (because then how will he ever learn anything in life? grow? become determined? learn that life isn't fair and you have to work really hard for the things that you want? get focus? find strength? etc)... but the mom part of me really wants to protect my son from anything that could ever hurt or disappoint him in life.

i know it's dumb.

but really, am i the ONLY parent who's ever wanted to wrap their kid up in emotional bubble wrap that's coated with golden retriever puppies who never poo or pee in the house and always stay little? fine. i might be the only mom who's wanted to do that, exactly. but i'm sure i'm not the only parent who wishes she could spare her kid some pain.

i wonder if part of my want is based on the fact that it really.fucking.hurts when shitty things happen to your kid.

when they get let down, stepped on, treated unfairly or poorly, or when they have to sit by and watch part of a dream walk away- i feel like it hurts me a thousand times worse when it's something that's happening to him, as opposed to when it's something that's happening to me.

does that even make sense?

i guess the bottom line is, i hate to see my son not get the things he works hard to get. it hurts like hell. and i know it's a part of life, but it's a part that never seems to get any easier. matter of fact, it feels like it's only getting harder.

the let down's seem bigger.

the pain feels stronger.

this part was definitely left out of the mommy handbook. people never tell you the good stuff.

you're welcome.




ps- how are all of you parents with MORE than 1 kid, not complete and utter emotional wrecks all the time? you deserve medals. or cupcakes.




Tuesday, November 08, 2011

gray hair? REALLY???

shut.
the.
front.
door.

y'all?

is this thing on? *tap tap*

cause um... not only did i find a gray hair last night in my beautiful luscious golden locks... that mother fucker had friends.

LOTS.
OF.
FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

i am WAY too young, and FAR TOO immature to have gray hair.

so imagine how much i freaked out last night when i saw the first unruly little fucker sprouting out of my head. it literally became GRAY HAIR WATCH TWENTY ELEVEN up in my bathroom.

i think i seriously spent about an hour searching for all those stupid things and then yanking them out.

they were easy to find though. wanna know why?

CAUSE THEY ARE UNRULY!!!!!

they are all weird, and curly and don't lay right! not to mention the fact that they reflect the light ALL WRONG! they don't glow with golden prettiness- they are dull and brassy.

why can't they grow out in colors like dark blue, purple or pink or something? i would love that! random little bright hairs scattered throughout! FUN!

but nooooooo. they're gray.

GRAY!

i have gray hairs! that grow! out of my head!

why is this happening to me?!?!? can i make it stop? can i will it away? act more immature? start wearing diapers? WHAT CAN I DO???

i am too cute for gray. i am too happy for gray. i am too fun for gray. i refuse!! help me.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

starbucks & creating jobs

i was on the call this morning with starbucks CEO howard shultz. it was quick (too quick), but still pretty awesome.

i love what they are trying to do- help small business get the funding they need to succeed. i think it's great to see that we as a society are trying to move back into the place where we actually LOVE and SUPPORT our small businesses again. i think it's important to give people a chance to realize their dreams of owning and operating their own business. being their own boss. but we, as consumers have to support that. if we don't shop there, they can't stay open.

i asked about not having a storefront, and if someone was an individual looking for funding, could they get it? howard said yes, they could.
that's pretty cool and exciting i think!

but then i realized that the reality is-
i don't want a loan.
i don't need a loan.
what i need is help getting my books out to the public. places to sell. places to put them in the public eye. because i'm a self published author who doesn't have a big publishing company behind me, marketing for me, putting my books in book stores (that are quickly closing their doors), booking me on tv shows, sending my books to hundreds of book bloggers, pr reps, etc.
i need all the help i can get.

and this is where i think starbucks has lost it on some level. they say constantly that they strive to be a local store, in the local community where they are located.

so on that note- why don't they feature artwork and photographs on the walls from local artists and photographers? why don't they have a small section of the store where they could sell books and cd's from local authors and musicians?

i realize that it's probably a hell of a lot easier to say than to actually do- i mean, how do you choose WHAT merchandise you sell? do you sell everything that people want too? there would have to be rules and parameters. i know.

but you see, that's how you could help me. by selling the books i write in local stores where i live- you're featuring a local author. you're helping my book be seen by people who might not otherwise see it.

that's how you help get me back to work.
that's how you help support and sustain my economy.

think about it.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

the beach!!!!

those of you who aren't familiar with northern california.... well.... let's just say that the beaches are often, F-R-E-E-Z-I-N-G!

they are usually windy.
foggy.
and cold.

but i spent the day at the beach yesterday and it was GORGEOUS!!!!! not a cloud in sight! and no wind!

i miss the beaches of southern california SO much, that i was over-freaking-joyed when i got the beach and it didn't suck! :)

i took pics (of course)!

the rocky weirdness that is nor cal beaches

dillon beach in the day

sunset

dillon beach sunset

dillon beach

wasn't it perfect?!?! :)

and this is my favorite pic i took all weekend. it makes me smile.
jumping girls

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

remember our house situation?

you guys, i'm so sorry that i haven't talked about our house, or the situation at all lately. i seriously forgot that a lot of people have been finding my blog when they search about losing their home, short sale, foreclosing, how bank of america sucks hairy balls, etc. and i forget that y'all want to know just WHAT THE HELL is going on.

we DID stop paying, like i mentioned in this post here. (all the posts about our house, and deciding what to do, etc are here)

so we stopped paying. it's been, what, 5 months i think? yeah, i think that's right. we are still paying our home owners insurance (someone asked about that), but property taxes are another story.

ideally, we'd still like to work with the bank. we don't have a lot of faith that that will happen, but we don't really know for sure.

we have looked into a short sale. we will definitely pursue that option if we have to, but right now, we're waiting. there are a lot of things to think about- if you sell your house for less money than you owe, can the banks come after you for the difference? or are you liable for the difference on your taxes (filing the difference as income). there are all scary questions that you have to find out. each state is different.

and really, i don't know how all you people who have put your homes on the market do it! it freaks me out to think about strangers traipsing around in here when we aren't home. what do you do with your things? it just feels so violating. eeeek.

anyway, it's still stressful. i wait everyday for that letter to come giving us a time limit to get the hell out of the house. when it comes, i'll make sure to post about it.

right now- we're just waiting. unsure of what is coming, or when exactly. i wish i had more to tell you. i mean other than the almost daily phone calls (that AREN'T even from the bank mind you, but a collection agency who has no power to make any deals because they AREN'T the bank), there isn't much going on. which is both a blessing and a curse. i try not to think about it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

the Fear

you know what's funny? ever since i've written and published my book, SO MANY PEOPLE have come out of the woodwork to tell me that they've always wanted to write a book. they have a story to tell. whether it's non-fiction based, or fiction- they can't let the story go.

so then i ask every one of them the same question... "well why haven't you?"

and you know what's the most interesting part? every.single.one of them has the same type of response, "i'm afraid of rejection." "what if people hate it?" "i'm terrified to put my thoughts out there." "it's scary to be judged."

and they are totally right.

i mean, it IS terrifying.

but the best part for me (or maybe worst part depending on how you look at it), was that those thoughts never even crossed my happy little mind until AFTER i'd already released the book and put it into the universe.

only once i realized that other people were actually reading it, did i want to throw up constantly. that fear of rejection crept in and with each rating, email, text message, review i got- i was terrified that people were going to hate the story i created.

i guess i never realized how truly personal writing a story can be. even when it's completely fictional. it still comes from somewhere inside of you. and this story came from somewhere deeply buried within my subconscience. not to mention my heart and soul.

so i'll be honest- when people don't like it, it fucking hurts. and while my mind constantly reminds me that i can't please everyone and that of course people are going to hate it and think it sucks- my emotions go through the ringer each time it happens. i'm sure i'll get better at letting that type of criticism go- but it's still hard. and it makes me question what the hell i'm doing sometimes. like what i'm thinking.... writing books- you're an idiot jenn, look, these people hate what you wrote, why would you keep writing?

so i get why people who want to write books are scared to. i understand where the fear comes from. but you have to think- who are you writing for? i mean, i didn't honestly write this book pandering towards one group of readers or another. i didn't really write this book FOR other people. i wrote it for myself. because i wanted to write it. i had a story i had always wanted to tell and i finally had the time to tell it. so if you have a book that has been inside of you for years (like this book has been for me) and it hasn't gone away, you should give it life. even if it's just for you. write it, put it out there, and you never know what might happen. other people might actually L O V E it. and how fantastic would that be? :)

listen, i know i haven't written some amazingly beautiful piece of prose. i've never taken a writing class, i don't know shit about how to realistically write a book the way a professional writer would tell you how. i probably break all the "rules" when it comes to book writing. but if you want to know the truth- i don't want to write exactly like everyone else. i don't want to follow some formula.

all i know is that i write with my heart. i try to tell stories that make people feel something. i write the way i talk. i write stories i'd want to read. i try to create main characters that i'd fall in love with, want to be friends with, or at least not want to throw off a cliff.

i'm over the freaking moon when people enjoy the story i've written. that fills my heart with happiness. sincerely. the same way that my heart breaks a little when people don't like it, or think it's complete crap.

but i'm happy that i didn't really think about those parts before i published the book- because i might not have.

the same way some of you aren't writing or putting your book out there.

but we all have to remember, that no one else can love what we've written if we don't share it with them. no one else can learn from our lessons, meet our characters, or fall in love with the perfect guys we create, if we don't put our books out there. what if every musician, singer, movie maker, writer, tv producer... what if they were all too scared to put their final product out there because of their fear of rejection?

we'd have nothing to watch or listen too.

bottom line of this post- YES, it hurts when people don't like your book. but i can't even tell you what it feels like when people DO like it.

so write. it's worth it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

win a signed copy of my book!

enter to win a signed copy of my book on goodreads! :)






Goodreads Book Giveaway







In Dreams by J. Sterling






In Dreams




by J. Sterling






Giveaway ends November 14, 2011.



See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.








Enter to win



Friday, October 07, 2011

stuff

hi y'all! i know it's been forever. this whole "unemployed" thing really just means that i'm not working for someone else. i don't think i have "not" worked a single day since i got fired.

i work my ass off.

or my eyeballs.

hands.

whatevs.

my eyes are killing me cause i just redesigned my ENTIRE freaking author website. do me a favor and check it out! tell me how pretty it is... or what you don't like, what i should tweak. i might listen, or i might pull all my hair out and curl in a ball and cry. most likely i'll listen. unless i think your opinion sucks, then i'll politely just ignore you. hahah anyway, go HERE and look!


speaking of my book and self publishing and everything else- i need YOUR help.

your opinion.

your advice.

because you see my internet friends... y'all are smart! creative! resourceful!!

i am wondering.. if you put out a book that you published- where would you try and put it at for sales? i have sent copies to bloggers (let me know if you want one for review), sent copies to facebook page people, have hard copies in the local bookstore, and whatnot.

but the word of mouth.

it's TOUGH! so i'd like to physically put my book in some more places locally. i was thinking about asking a local frozen yogurt shop. i know that sounds weird, but teenagers hang out in there- all the time. so do their parents. and well, my book is for teens! :)

do you have any ideas on how i can promote my book more to get it out there and talked about?! i am open to all ideas.

THANK YOU! :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

it's happened to one of us (again)

this blog thing. this big, beautiful, loving blog thing we each participate in... whether we only participate as reader, or we write... it doesn't matter.

because when a tragedy befalls one of us, this community pulls together to hold that family up.

and it's happened again.

one of our own, has lost her own.

and he was beautiful and vibrant and handsome... and only 12 years old with a faith in God deeper than mine's ever been.

i implore you to read her heartbreaking blog posts. and lift her up in the comments section. she needs your words of kindness, your prayers, your beliefs... so please take a moment to give her some love.

because that's what we bloggers do for one another.

we hold one another up when we can't stand on our own. she needs our arms.

http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/

Friday, September 23, 2011

kristabella came to cali

and all you got were these stupid pictures of us at wineries!

ha! you know you're jelly! :)

this is us at MUMM.. i drank some sparkling something or other. i liked it so much i bought a little, tiny bottle. HA
(just curious, but um.. why does my face look oompa loompa orange in this picture?!)
jennster & kristabella

and here we are at sutter home, where my new favorite wine (BUBBLY MOSCATO!!!!) was born (much thanks to sarah and geo for intro'ing me to the fab new flave)
sutter home, bubbly moscato, bitches!

i think we were at ruthorford here. have i mentioned how NOT FUN wineries are? everyone is sooooo stuffy and blahhhhhhhh.
WINE TASTING WITH @kristabella!

thank god we had each other!! (and baby 24 year olds who just moved away from their mommy from delaware to harrass!)
kristabella has the blurry pics of them! HAHAH!
chicago- in da hizzy

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

the 40 mile MS bike ride

it happened folks.
susan & jennster

oh yes, did it happen.
teri's got her game face on.  jennster's got her ster face on

i did 40 miles ON MY BEACH CRUISER for the second year in a row! (go me) it's not that riding a bike 40 miles is all that hard... cause let's face it, it really isn't. but you try going uphill on a freaking beach cruiser.
part of team Cruisin for Susan!

that.shit.sucks.

this year was WAY harder than last year. i have no idea why. other than maybe i was uber motivated last year? or maybe cause i KNEW where the hills were and when they were coming this year?! i have no clue, but i feel like i had to get off my bike a lot to walk it up those stupid hills. i'm a failure.

not really.

i totally rule.

like our team tent- WHICH HAS WON BEST TENT TWO YEARS IN A ROW MIND YOU! we (and by we, i mean robin the tent designer, decorator, purchaser of all things tent) TOTALLY ROCK!!!!!!!
the winning party tent- SECOND YEAR RUNNING!  CHAMPS!

speaking of our tent, did i mention that we had an arts & crafts section for the kids to make beachy picture frames? ahem. i'm a kid. so i made one. BUT LOOK HOW PRETTY IT IS!!!! :)
i named my frame MALIBU. like the beach, not the rum, alchies.
um, we had an arts & crafts table for the kids.  i'm a kid too so i made this frame!

until the REAL pictures come back, all i have are blurry camera phone pics. cause i'm awesome like that!
team cruisin for susan- aka, team drink

to everyone who sponsored me... THANK YOU SO MUCH! i had fun (even though it may not sound like it)... i will be doing it again next year. i'll complain more then! ha
weber sisters

and YES, i did cut the sleeves off of my shirt. i don't believe in sleeves people. i'm not sure HOW MANY TIMES i have to tell y'all this! :)

Monday, September 12, 2011

today is my birthday

(and leah oliver's too)

in a day and age where we don't hand write letters anymore...
and 99% of my birthday wishes come in the form of a text message or a facebook post...

i wanted to post a couple of the ACTUAL! BIRTHDAY! CARDS! i got in the mail.. cause they are funny! and they made me happy!

you know what is the most hypocritical part??? i am just realizing how much i love getting cards in the mail- the little notes, the funny sayings... but i NEVER freaking send any!!! to anyone!!!

but you know what? i never have. it's not like i just stopped one day because the internet got popular or something. i've never sent cards- not at christmas- not ever.

i really need to start. cause if these cards bring me this! much! happiness! then other people might love it just the same!! :)

this freaking card made me LOL so hard!!!! thank you ali! :)
bwahahaha- birthday card!

birthday card, inside


and this card just made me happy! apparently, the word FOR jennster is AWESOME!!!! i'll totally fucking take it! (thank you catjacks)
birthday card!


i think i may change my name to jennster, the gold star of awesomeness! you know, just for today!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Leah E. Oliver- repost

I AM REPOSTING THIS FOR THE 10 YEAR "ANNIVERSARY" OF THE TERRORIST ATTACKS ON OUR GREAT COUNTRY. THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON 9/11/2009...


when i first participated in dc roe's 2996 challenge, i got to learn about a brave firefighter named sal calabro. it was truly my pleasure to honor him, get to know him, and write about him. i was grateful for the project because it introduced me to someone i wouldn't have known otherwise. on that day when so many of our lives were changed forever, he was a hero. and he paid the ultimate price. i can't believe his family has had to live these past 8 years without him. it breaks my heart.

when dc sent out the email that he was doing the project again, i signed up without hesitation. and this time, i got Leah E. Oliver.

the first thing i noticed about leah was that we shared the same birthday. september 12th... the day after "the day." i stopped for a moment before i read any further about her to just kind of appreciate the randomness (and not so randomness) of it all. what was the likelihood that the person i would get to write about would share the same birthday as me?

the more i read about leah, the more i found myself smiling and thinking that we would have totally been friends. everyone said the same things about her. how warm she was... her amazing smile.. she made everyone feel welcome.. she was always positive and smiling and happy. everyone who knew her talked about how much they loved her and her laugh. what a great way to be remembered.... always happy. i can only hope to be so lucky.

Leah Oliver


i don't think you'd guess by this gorgeous picture of her, but she loved to go on motorcycle rides with her dad. a passion that they shared with one another. there is a memorial page up for leah where her father has written the sweetest most heartbreaking letter to his only daughter. the following is part of what he wrote:


"Life is about not knowing. Surely the last few weeks have proved that to all of us. But bringing Leah into this world is one thing I know for certain I’ve done absolutely right in my life. I love all my children equally, and I’m equally proud of each of them. Leah was just that little bit special because she was my first. As oldest children often do, Leah marched through life with a sense of purpose, determined to be successful. And she exceeded my expectations all along the way."


leah grew up in dartmouth, massachusetts and went to college at columbia university. it seems like leah's life was just getting started. she had a new boyfriend (in an old friend) and had recently started working at marsh & mclennan in the world trade center. she couldn't wait to show her mom the view from the 96th floor. the 96th floor. i guess you can only imagine how and why she didn't make it out that day. she loved her co-workers and felt like she had the job of her dreams. things were falling into place for this 24 year old.

24.

never to turn 25 because the following day would not come for her.

she left behind so many family members who miss her. a boyfriend who has had to move on without her when he thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. it's hard for me to write about someone who was so young and whose life was just getting started. because you read about the person they were and you want so much more for them. you know how much they could have had and then you get angry that all of that was taken away. imagine how i'd feel if i had the pleasure to actually know leah in real life??

september 11th still hurts. sometimes i think i'm ready to deal with certain aspects of it. like a tv special about 9/11 will be on and i'll record it so that i can watch it later at my own pace. but then i'll go to turn it on, and within the first 30 seconds, i'm already in tears and i can't take it. i'm not ready. it's still too raw. and it's been 8 years. and i didn't even know anyone who lost their life that day personally. (i know people who knew people) it wasn't right. it wasn't fair. and it breaks my heart to know how much my life has changed since that day, and i wasn't even directly affected. so many other people have had to live each day since without their loved ones in their life. and all i can say is that i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that sal's boys have had to grow up with only a memory for a father. i'm so sorry that leah's family has to go on without her. i'm sorry she never got to have her 25th birthday. but i can promise you that i will forever think of her on our day from here on out.

there is a scholarship set up in her name.. there are tributes to her where you can read more about her. i wish i could have known her.. but i'm glad this project introduced me to her. and now to you.

Friday, September 09, 2011

No Sal, You're The Best- Repost

I AM REPOSTING THIS FOR THE 10 YEAR "ANNIVERSARY" OF THE TERRORIST ATTACKS ON OUR GREAT COUNTRY. THIS WAS ORIGINALLY POSTED ON 9/11/2006...


it's been 5 years since the attacks on the World Trade Center. 5 years. September 11th has affected me in too many ways to count. too many ways to truly even begin expressing in writing, words, or otherwise. i'll try to sum it up by saying it's something that is never very far from my mind. i will never forget how i felt that morning. my drive to work.. blinding myself with tears that wouldn't stop falling. i specifically remember looking to my right at the car passing me and him just looking at me, with total concern in his eyes. and then sitting at work glued to the television, wondering what the fuck i was doing there. the pain. the horror. the emotions. everything about that day comes screaming back to me in an instant if i let it.

i know people are tired of reliving this day. they want to move on. but what about those who lives were forever changed, more than yours or mine was? how do you balance moving on, with remembering? and when do you get to the point that watching a special about 9/11, or seeing pictures, or hearing voices of the now dead- doesn't bring you to tears? when does it become something you can talk about without having an emotional breakdown? does it ever? they say that time heals, and in my life i've always found that to be true... until now. because to me, 9/11/2001 is just as real today, as it was then. i'm having trouble putting it into the past. it's like there's this hole inside of me that just stays raw and full of so much intense emotion. and that's where everything about this day resides and lives. just as alive now, as it was then. i have no idea when or if that will ever change.

when i chose to participate in dc's 2996 project- i had no idea what i was truly getting into. sure, i would be given a name of a "victim" from that day to write about. but i had no idea how much i'd come to learn about one person i'd never heard of before. and now, i just wish i'd gotten the chance to know him in life, instead of the opposite. i am leaving this up for a few days because i really want it to sink in. sal was a person you could have known. he could have been your neighbor, your friend, your coach, your local fireman, etc. he was all of those things to many people. and now he's gone. the least i can do is allow everyone the time to actually read about him and get to know him while you deal with your own emotions about 9/11.

so this is for sal- and everyone who knew him.. and those of us who didn't get the chance.
















Sal was 38 years old and just finishing his shift when the attack began on the WTC in new york city. he cancelled plans he had just made with a friend to work out, turned his car around and headed back to the firehouse. Once there, he jumped on his firetruck heading towards the destruction. That's just the kind of man he was. He didn't run from chaos.. he ran to it... to help ease it. Sal had been part of Ladder 101 for 14 years, since he first started working as a fireman. That firehouse was a second home to him. All of his co-workers, brothers. The entire Ladder Company was lost that day. 7 guys just vanished into the rubble; to never be heard from or seen again. The group of guys from that ladder company are now referred to as the "Seven in Heaven." Sal was one of them.

A proud American, you could often find Sal watching specials about World War II and the Vietnam War on the History Channel. Growing up with his older brother, they would often fight about who would get to go to war (if there was one) and who would stay home with their single mother. It seemed that the only time Sal questioned defending the nation, was when his mom was involved. When she passed away, he got his only tattoo on his left shoulder, in her memory.

Like most firefighters, Sal loved his job. But he loved his family more. His greatest joy in life was watching his 2 young sons grow up. He coached the T-Ball team, and when he couldn't be there, he would call his wife multiple times daily to see how they were doing and what they were up to.
"He was an unbelievable dad," Mrs. Calabro said. "I can't explain it. My kids would always look for him before they would look for me. When they got hurt, they wanted their daddy."
Sal and his wife met as teenagers in a grocery store where they both worked. They'd been together ever since and were married on September 16, 1989.

Sal was a beloved firefighter. His catch phrase was "You're the best!" Whenever he would say it, people would respond back with, "No Sal, you're the best!"
"The guys on the job loved him," Mrs. Calabro said. "Since he was there for 14 years, they called the firehouse 'Sal's House.' They said he was the heart and soul of Ladder 101."

Now the "heart and soul" of Ladder 101 only exists in memories, on memorial walls, in framed photographs, and in the hearts and soul of those he touched and loved. The man who once described heroes as "people who knowingly and willingly enter a peril situation and lay down their lives for other people" has become just that. A hero by his own definition. And mine as well.

Rest In Peace Salvatore Calabro. And thank you for letting me get to know a true hero.

this website has a lot of information about the Seven in Heaven and is where i found the majority of my information and pictures about Sal.







i am adding in this poem that salvatore's wife wrote to him.. i just found it, so forgive me for adding it so late.




i found this poem here... please click the link, because maybe the person you're blogging about has a love letter as well.




Salvatore CalabroTuesday, 1/7/2003
A Conversation With Sal
Often I dream of a conversation with you.
I tell you I love you, and wish 9/11 wasn't true.
What the hell did happen?
Do you believe it yourself?
I'm still in shock, and don't know what to do with myself.
You needed to know about history and war,
Did you know you'd be part of such violence and gore?
What would you say? Are you OK where you are?
You remain in my heart, and are never too far.
I hope you have everything you didn't have in this life.
I hope you forgive me for my shortcomings as a wife?
The world has gone crazy. Nothing is the same.
I want to keep you alive -- let everyone know your name!
Sal Calabro -- my husband, a father, a hero he is.
The flag now in vogue was a fashion statement of his.
In my sleep we do visit. No words do I hear.
I understand you are with me -- your smile says don't fear.
People think I am crazy, your signs I do see.
Moths, numbers and birds are messages for me.
Help me and guide me in raising our boys.
They need to remember you and all of the joys.
Their lives are filled with sadness. You were their best friend.
Please protect and guide them 'til the very end.
We have all changed. Life isn't the same any more.
I hope you will meet me when I come through that door.
Until then I'll always love you!
Keep letting me know that you are here.
And I will let you be remembered --my love and my dear.

The father of two is remembered in this letter written by his wife, Francine.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

wtc skyline comparison

if you remember, we took blake there for his "double digit" birthday, and so he could see yankee stadium before they tore it down.

you know, the ORIGINAL yankee stadium.

it was also the second time i visited the empire state building. i knew i took pics from each angle just like i had done the first time. i wanted to find the pic of where the towers would have been for a comparison... i remember the weather that day was awful- super humid, cloudy, smoggy, whatever... visibility sucked. but i snapped a billion pictures anyway. humidity be dammed.

i found the pic.

here they are side by side.
the first one taken in december of 2000.
the second one taken in may of 2008.

skyline comparison-  pre and post 9/11

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

fdny, engine 8

i just wanted to share some pictures i took of some firemen back in 2000. i honestly don't know if they're okay, or not- but i'm really hoping that they lived through that september day.

engine 8 guys- december 2000

fdny- engine 8

fdny  12/00

Sunday, September 04, 2011

the first time i went to new york

it was december of 2000.

i celebrated new years, 2001 there.

i traveled with friends who had far too much money (and myself at the time a single mom with none) so to say the experience was different is an understatement. i saw things i've never seen since. million dollar lofts in soho... apartments with secret passages and rooms. i seriously felt like i was on an episode of gossip girl- before gossip girl was even created!

it was crazy.

this first trip of mine to new york was also the first time i'd ever seen the twin towers. i remember getting off the subway at the last stop and walking through the mall. i stopped in a small store and bought a light blue candle that had yellow stars and moons carved into it. i remember thinking how weird it was to have a mall underground, but that i wanted something from one of the stores in it.

i swear i remember walking past an express clothing store before taking the escalators up.

my girlfriend took me into the towers. i believe it was tower one that had the observation deck? or maybe that was where you bought the tickets? i think i'm wrong.

one world trade center directory

i didn't know the difference between them. hell, in all honesty- being from southern california, i had never even HEARD of the twin towers before seeing them. when an LA'er thought of new york, they thought of the empire state building, times square, the statue of liberty, central park... i remember asking my girlfriend what the big deal was about those buildings and she was shocked i didn't know what they were, let alone had never even heard of them before (she was from canada where they know everything! :) ). she gave me a little historical background on them, and while i was impressed with their height, i remember thinking.. eh, they're just buildings. and they're nowhere near as pretty as the empire state building, or the chrysler building (you know, when i wasn't thinking the chrysler building WAS the empire state building).

now of course i miss their beauty desperately.

there had just been a HUGE snowstorm and even if the deck was open, we weren't going to be able to see anything. i remember that the outdoor one was closed and that even though it was after christmas and right before new years, there were plenty of people working in the buildings. i remember meeting one security guard at his desk and taking a picture with him. although i can't find that picture anywhere!!! the inside of one of the towers had huge silver snowflakes hanging all around and i remember thinking how cute it was that this huge building got all decorated for the holidays. we walked through both towers. we saw all the stores in one of the buildings and i remember thinking, there's a tailor here? who buys suits when they're already at work? my girlfriend laughed, and tried to explain to me just how many people worked on wall street, let alone the sheer number in the 2 towers.

i think for some reason i simply just didn't.get.it. like i had no comprehension. maybe because it was the holidays and the buildings were virtually empty. the normal hustle and bustle was something i never got to witness. maybe without seeing it, i couldn't even imagine what it was like on a normal workday there.

i remember we left the buildings, walking through tunnels that connected them, or walkways... i can see everything in my mind, but i just have no idea what everything i'm seeing is.

this is my first time seeing the towers

after this huge snowstorm at the end of december 2000

i went to the empire state building by myself on that trip to new york. i think i waited something ridiculous like 4 hours to go up. but it was worth it for this picture alone...

view of the twin towers from the empire state building

i came back to the city 4 months later and took this picture from a ferry i was on in May 2001

this pic was taken in may of 2001

i had no idea that i'd be seeing those cloud souring towers for the last time...

Friday, September 02, 2011

9/11- 10 years later

no one wants to talk about it.

or they pretend they've forgotten.

the latter makes me mad. how can you forget that day? if you lived through it, witnessed it, watched it unfold on tv, heard cries from your friends on the phone and then watched the news after it all happened... how can you EVER forget that day?

every year, i say the same damn thing- "it feels like it just happened yesterday..."

but the thing is- to me... it does.

i still remember everything i ever felt from that day. hell, i still FEEL the same feelings right now- ten ridiculous years later.

and no, i can't believe it's been 10 years. i can't believe that much time has passed. it should be enough time to at least watch tv shows on the subject and not burst into tears, right? 10 years should be enough time to talk about the day without your eyes welling up, right?

well apparently it's not enough time for me.

because i still can't do any of those things.

i taped a special that i hadn't seen before, called "9/11- where were you" and i asked blake to watch it with me.

i completely forget that he has no real memory of that day. i mean, how could he- he was only 3... and for as obsessed as i was with watching every.single.thing about it on the news, i distinctly remember shielding him from it. he didn't need to see those images frame after frame repeating themselves. he didn't need to be tortured that way i was torturing myself.

so we watched the show and he asked a lot of questions. and he was shocked as certain images and scenes were shown from that day. he constantly said things like, "was that real? was that real footage? oh my gosh, was THAT real? was that plane flying into the building the real plane doing that? did anyone survive? what about the people on the plane... did any of them survive?"

he was shocked. he was horrified. it was as though he was seeing it all for the very first time.

and i cried.

i think this year... i'm going to dig up my new york pictures that i took when i first visited the city in 2001 (before the attacks). they were on real film, so most of you haven't ever seen them before, and i can't remember the last time i looked at them.

i'm going to post some each day- along with my tributes to sal calabra and my birthday twin, leah e. oliver. i know i have some fireman photos in there that i harrassed during my visit. i hope they're all currently living, loving and being loved in return.

until then... never forget. live your life. don't dwell in sadness and horror- but never forget what happened that day and what we lost... as a country, as a people, as a human being.

xoxo

Saturday, August 27, 2011

so i crashed a funeral today

don't judge.

and i mean, i didn't really crash some random strangers funeral... i went with my girlfriend who didn't want to go alone (totally don't blame her at all. funerals alone SUCK!!!)

what i found the most interesting though, since i obviously didn't know the person who had passed... was that it doesn't really matter if i knew her or not.

human emotion is human emotion, no matter what.

people expressing how wonderful and amazing an individual was- is so touching regardless of who it's coming from, and who it's about. i found myself in awe of how many lives one life can affect. and how deeply one person can affect another.

human life is human life. people touch each other every single day. and we are so blessed when we have others in our lives who give us so much positivity, encouragement and love.

i found myself bawling at one point during the service because an ex-student got up to speak about his old teacher. he talked about how he had never expected a caucasian teacher to take such an interest in an african american child, during a time when racial tensions and issues divided a nation. he was moved by her. he was inspired by her. he said she made him feel less like a student and more like family. he didn't know why she chose him, all he knew was that he was so incredibly grateful she had. he credited her with giving him the courage to be who he is today... for inspiring his fearlessness... for taking chances...

i was beyond moved.

i was inspired by his words. his emotions. his being.

and i found myself hoping that someone would be able to say something half as nice as that about me when i leave this earth.

we never know what kind of profound impact someone may have on us.

we never know what kind of impact we can have on another.

i say we go out and impact each other with magic! :)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

holy shit

the post below is a clear example of how much of a complete psycho i am.

i mean, first i make this huge, exhausting case for the end of all voice mail as we know it... and then i end the fucking post telling people that i love their voice mails... that drunk ones make me laugh... and the ones from people i rarely hear from are the bestest and i keep them forever... MAKING MY WHOLE ENTIRE POST NULL AND VOID!!!!!

wtf?!?!?

oh look! pictures! of new york! and random shit! you know, like my brain.

wait.

these aren't pictures of my brain.

they're just random stuff... like how my brain is all random and crazy and insane. argh, just go look!

west point

west point dance invite

ranch

barn in cooperstown

read the sign

the otsego hotel


hi, i'm the one who can't stand voice mail

i hate voice mail.

i mean, not your voice mail. yours is lovely. i should clarify that i mean, i can't stand CHECKING voice mail on my cell phone.

it irritates the living crap out of me. clearly, i've seen that you called. do you realllllly have to leave me a message that says you called? no shit.

it's right there.

on my missed call notification.

unless you have some super hot sighting of ryan gosling in the street in front of my house, there is really no reason to leave me a voice mail (and in all honesty, by the time i check the freaking thing, he'll be long gone anyway). can't you text me the information you need to convey?

it's just SO.MUCH.EASIER.

i don't say this because i'm lazy.

i say this because i enjoy being efficient. and checking my voice mail is ridiculously time consuming.

it takes forever.

i have to call it. then the stupid annoying lady bosses me around with all these directions i've heard 100 times before. the worst part is when i'm just trying to get the message you just HAD to leave for me, and i hear her say, "you have 2 messages that will be erased... first message from..." and then i have to deal with all of that crap just to get to your stupid message that says, "HEY. CALL ME."

i think to punish you...

i won't call you back.

for like a week.

you hear me voice mail leavers?

you're all on time out.

and i know you, friends of mine... you're all tempted to call me and leave me voice mails now just cause i told you not too. well don't get pissed at me when you tell me something "important" and i don't check it for a week.

that is seriously how much i hate checking my voice mail. and why i don't leave voice mails for other people. i assume y'all can't stand the amount of time it takes to check your voice mail either. if i call you and you don't answer, i trust that you saw i called. and if i just HAVE to tell you something, i'll text it to you. or if i NEED to talk to you, i'll text you to tell you to freaking call me cause i need to talk to you.

so i guess i don't really dislike my voice mail... i just dislike the amount of time it takes to check. i like things quick and easy.. you know, like my men.

you?

10:01pm... um- edited to add.. this isn't entirely true cause um, i like hearing some of your voices. and i'd be sad if i didn't have voicemails from my drunk friends, my hot friends, etc... there is a reason i have three voicemails saved. it's cause they rule.

10:15pm pss- i think i just had a bad night. i had like 4 voice mails to check and 3 ones to get through to hear them. and then each voice mail was REALLLLLLY long.

10:21pm ppss- carry on people. call me. leave voice mail. do whatever. i just may not listen to it for a few days... but if it's good, i might just keep it forever!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

my book & pretty pictures

i know, i know.. all i talk about is my book right? well it's REDUCED! it's only $2.99 right now for a limited time on amazon and smashwords! so if you were on the fence about getting it- get off the fence and buy the thing! :)

and thanks!! i have a blog post that talks about self publishing and what an idiot i am over on my author site. how can you resist reading something where i'm a complete jackass?! you can't. which is why you're going to click on that link and read my ramblings some more. right? thanks! lol

now here are some pretty pictures of a horsie to keep you happy while i head to the post office to mail off signed paperbacks!

11-web

12-web

35-web

36-web

37-web

50-web

49-web

you're welcome.