for me to find a job. i know everyone who knows me, thought the same thing. oh no worries, you'll only be unemployed for a little bit.
i think part of me thought the same thing. most likely because i've NEVER been without a job before. and i've always been able to get one when i wanted/needed one.
this time is very, very different. now i'm "over-qualified"... or they're concerned that the job i'm applying for is so far out of the norm for me, that i'll "be extremely bored and unchallenged." but those things- they're if i get a call at all. from every job that has reached out to me in response to my resume, they've told me that they have been completely overwhelmed at the number of responses they are getting for their job ad. they tell me that people with all sorts of backgrounds and degrees are applying for positions they would never normally apply for.
the thing is, i feel like a fucking loser not working.
it doesn't matter how many things i do throughout the day... or what i accomplish... since i'm not out of the house, bringing home a paycheck, i feel like a complete waste of space. i could save every homeless puppy in my city, but if i didn't get paid for it, i'd still feel like i totally suck.
i probably wouldn't feel so damn terrible about it all, if money wasn't an issue. right? right. but since we need my paycheck... i feel fucking ridiculous not working. i feel guilty for everything i do. sleeping? why the hell should i be tired? i don't fucking work. get out of bed. but then, get out of bed and DO WHAT???? feel guilty for sitting around the house and NOT WORKING???!?
i think maybe i'm finally starting to crack. ha
i just hate the way not having a job makes me feel. because it wasn't my choice to leave (but i am so fucking thankful to be gone) and it's not my choice right now to not have a job. i keep trying.... and nothing is working out.
i know that there's a lesson, or a message in here somewhere. i know i should see it. it's just hard. i mean, i am thankful that we still have a home and i am so thankful that i get to spend time with blake and take him to/from school everyday. i love that. but it's hard to enjoy it when you're stressed about everything else. it's hard to really just be thankful, when nothing about the situation makes you feel that way.
i know i'm not the only one in this position. it's just all new to me. and it doesn't feel good.