if i had to give my life and the way i feel one word.. it would be this:
or probably any variation of that word.
i feel like this whole year for me has been about finding what truly inspires me. and that was definitely amplified once i was let go from my job. i didn't have anything dragging me down anymore, so i was free to focus a lot on what exactly it was i wanted from my life and in what ways. i keep coming back to the same word. i keep feeling like i'm looking for inspiration in everything i do... in the places i go.. the people i meet.. the movies i watch.. the songs i hear.. the books i read.. the things i see.. the things i dream. i'm not sure why entirely. maybe i am searching for something (obviously)? maybe i'm just bored? maybe i'm looking for something that makes me FEEL. i'm sure not working has something to do with this, but in all honesty, i think that working would just mask these feelings. they'd still exist inside me, but i'd bury them under my responsibilities. probably until they exploded to the surface and made some huge ridiculous mess. gross.
i kind of find myself interesting. and extremely frustrating. i wonder if i make things more difficult than they need to be. or if i'm so focused on trying to figure it all out, i make the obvious answers unclear. i feel like the older i get, the less i want to be tied down to anything that makes me feel stuck. maybe that's a lot of it? maybe i feel like there is so little movement for me right now, that i'm coming apart at the seams. i honestly don't know. i'm trying to figure it all out, but it's hard. because it requires searching into those deep parts of your soul where things get uncomfortable... and where nothing is absolutely clear. the answers are never easy, but i'm trying to find them. and i think that's where inspiration comes into play. because if something inspires me.. then i feel like it's telling me something.. speaking to me in a way. that there is a reason this certain thing has made me FEEL a certain way. and it's up to me to figure out why and how and put it all together.
this is the journey i'm on right now. i'm trying to learn more about myself. i'm trying to figure out what i need to be sincerely happy each and every day. what job can i do (if heaven forbid i'm not in the entertainment industry anymore) that would make me feel inspired. what can i do that would make me happy to be doing it everyday? i don't really know who i am workwise if you take me out of the entertainment industry. i've pretty much been involved in it since high school. so i guess trying to find me outside of that wouldn't necessarily be an easy task. so i understand why it's a difficult search for me. but that doesn't stop me from wishing it was easier.
maybe i'm just slowly going crazy?
or maybe i really need a job. any job.