during my work hiatus (i totally think that's what i'm going to start calling it)... we all know that i've been work on my spiritual insides. i've been reading books and trying to meditate more. i'm really trying to take significant and meaningful time for myself, my soul, connecting with the world around me... just trying to regain balance and inner peace. (i sound like a total nutjob don't i? why do i share this shit with you guys?!?!)
i know that i need to work on forgiveness. true forgiveness. i realize that the anger and hurt that i hold onto, only ends up hurting myself. i'm the one who has to suffer with those emotions and live with them on a daily basis. they don't just go away in an instant.
i have to learn how to forgive those whom i have felt hurt by. betrayed. stabbed in the back. abandoned. the one that is the hardest and the toughest is my dad. i don't post much about the fact that i don't have a relationship with my dad anymore, but it is something that crosses my mind almost daily. especially when i go to weddings and see the father of the bride so happy for his daughter.... i instantly remember that my dad chose not to go to my wedding. and it's not that i'm angry about that. it's just sad.
i'm not sure how to forgive him. maybe forgiveness comes with the realization that all of his choices and actions are his to deal with and not mine? even though they affect me, maybe they only affect me because i allow them too? fuck, i'm not a robot with no emotions or feelings. so i'm trying to sort out how to truly forgive. and move on. and then what? if you still don't want to have a relationship with your own father, does that mean you haven't truly forgiven him?
i don't know.
and what if i don't have to forgive? i mean, i'm not angry anymore. i don't have feelings of hatred or anything like that. i don't wish bad things for him and his new life. i'm not cursing his name everyday or anything. my feelings are definitely more sad and hurt than any other emotion.
maybe i'm going about this all wrong. does forgiveness only come when you are angry at someone? what if you're not angry... then what do you have to do? accept? move on? let it all go?
i guess i feel unresolved. like it's this issue that hangs over my head and heart like a tiny black raincloud that until it's fixed, it won't go away. but i'm not sure how to go about fixing.. or if that's what i want.
this is all purely selfish in a way i guess. i mean, i want to feel better. i want to accept and move on and move past so that I can feel okay. i want to do what needs to be done so that i can heal. i need to mend.
i'm just not sure how.