all i know is that boyfriend reminds me almost daily how happy he is to have the old ster back (and by "old" i mean the ster that used to be.. not old like i'm 6 years older than him or anything.. which i might be, but that still totally does not make me old. it just makes me oldER..) that i'm so much happier and fun again- and that i was literally having the life sucked out of me.
i knew i was unhappy. i know how i felt emotionally, mentally and physically in regards to everything about my situation. but i definitely didn't realize the extent to which i was bringing my misery home with me. i guess you don't realize how much one aspect of your life can affect every other. i mean, i know how hard it was for me every single day. but not at home. i liked being home. i like my boys. i like hanging out with them and spending time with them. i didn't even realize that i wasn't as fun anymore. or as happy. cause when i was with them, i felt happy. i felt fun... although i definitely had a shorter fuse and far less patience than normal.
it just makes me sad.
because they were affected directly by something that had absolutely nothing to do with them, or how i felt about them. you know?
not having that particular work environment anymore has given me my life back. and my sanity.
and my happiness.
and my heart.
also, i've learned that just because i'm not being society's idea of "productive" does not mean that i'm not being productive. just because i'm not working for someone else and bringing home a paycheck doesn't mean i'm not working. at this particular moment in time, i feel like working on myself.. my insides.. my mind.. my heart.. my soul.. is more productive than anything i could hope to find in any office.
so i'm giving myself permission.... to work on me. to try to relax and find that inner balance that i had so desperately lost and didn't even realize how off course i'd let myself become. permission to breathe again. permission to do society's version of "nothing" all day and feel okay about it. because i need this time. i need this break. i need these days right now to find ME again. and i need to be okay with that. i need to allow it. i really think it's the most important and healthy thing i could give myself... and in turn, my boys.
and i also have one hell of a supportive husband. who has been nothing short of amazing throughout this entire ordeal. he believes in me. and encourages me. and allows me to take breathers, take a break, and just enjoy things right now. without any pressure.
and i could not ask for more than that.