Thursday, April 29, 2010

i'm fortunate

while i'm not working i'm taking so much time and thinking about a lot of things. i know i keep talking about this, but it's what i'm doing. this is what my life is about right now.

i'm fucking soul searching.

and i'm really trying to figure out what exactly it is that i want to do with myself. what direction i want to head. what path am i heading down...

i honestly don't know at this point. and that's okay, but it's also a little frustrating. i look for jobs everyday on numerous job boards. and i won't be the person who says that there are "no jobs" out there cause that is complete and total bullshit. there are LOTS of jobs out there, there just aren't many jobs i WANT out there. and there is a difference. it does worry me a little when boyfriend and i get to the point where i have to get a job- i don't know what i'll do.

see, i don't want to get myself into a situation where i'm freaking miserable again. i don't want to work in an environment that doesn't make me happy. i don't want to be surrounded by ego's and people grasping for every piece of "power" and control they think is available to them. i don't want to work for someone who makes me feel like money is more important than i am. hell, that can be true for all i care, just don't make me FEEL like it's true. make me feel valuable and valued. i realize that's difficult in today's society, but really people.. why can't we get back to that? i feel like everyone is so wrapped up in their own "success" that they don't care about anything or anyone else. i don't want to be around people like that.

so i'm trying to figure out what it is that i want to do.. what type of environment DO i want to be in? what kind of people do i want to surround myself with? what kind of work?

i thought about opening my own small business. and while that idea still lives in my head.. i've realized that the thought of doing it by myself is probably a large part of what is holding me back. i feel like everything is on my shoulders and it's a lot to try to open something alone. i think it might be nice to shoulder the responsibility with someone else whom i can really trust and laugh with. but that can't be just anyone, you know? this store is something i've been kicking around for quite some time.. i've been working on it and taking classes and researching and doing a lot of stuff for it, so there is a part of me that wants sole control of the business because i feel like i've done so much work and put so much effort and heart into it. i have a hard time sharing. but i think i need to learn how to do that. i need to learn how to share- to ask for help- to have a partner. there's nothing wrong with doing things that help make your life easier. i have to learn that it's not about doing everything on your own all the time. i think that might be one of my life lessons for sure.

who knows?!?! i'm still trying to figure it all out. and lucky for you, you'll know when i do! :)

7 comments:

Scott said...

So concentrate on your life outside of work. Work does not need to be the central part of your life, once you take the pressure off things will become clearer.

Grand Pooba said...

I think it's great that you're using your time off to do soul searching, there's nothing more productive than that.

Alison said...

I think your sister would make a wonderful partner in the small business venture. Totally trustworthy and she's fun too! And that means you'd have to move back down here! YAY!

CAT said...

opening a small business would only be completely freaking awesome if I was by your side. that is why you are hesitant. learn it.

Katie said...

if you open a store, I will be the first to sign up with your rewards program! haha

norcalgirl28 said...

Okay, I will agree with you that there are a lot of jobs out there in our area, but I will have to point out, at least in my field, the jobs are paying about HALF of what they did four years ago. It is sad and pathetic. If you open your own business I wish you only luck. You have determination and certainly the personality to interact with customers.

Megaland said...

Girl, you are a strong woman with a lot of awesome qualities. So I am sure there are a lot of great jobs out there waiting for you. BUT I know what you mean, about wanting a job that you will love, and that's honestly hard to find. All because you have to actually work it first and find out for yourself, if it's something you truly love. I haven't worked a "real" job in 6 years so I'm right there with you about the whole soul searching thing. I go through it at least once a year when there's that little spark in me, wanting to find a job that's worth leaving my SAHM status for. Anyway, I think that you should open your own business. Honestly, it's a great time to do it. There's a lot of small business loans and grants out there and awesome programs to help get you started. I have been thinking about it for awhile too and I think I've lagged on the idea because the same store ideas I've had for years are now popping up all over the place (ie, consignment shops). I know that you will do well with whatever you choose and hopefully it won't come to a desperate moment that you HAVE to choose (because of financial reasons). You can always be a "floater", do many things at one time as long as it allows you family time. :) Good luck sweetie!