Thursday, April 29, 2010
i'm fucking soul searching.
and i'm really trying to figure out what exactly it is that i want to do with myself. what direction i want to head. what path am i heading down...
i honestly don't know at this point. and that's okay, but it's also a little frustrating. i look for jobs everyday on numerous job boards. and i won't be the person who says that there are "no jobs" out there cause that is complete and total bullshit. there are LOTS of jobs out there, there just aren't many jobs i WANT out there. and there is a difference. it does worry me a little when boyfriend and i get to the point where i have to get a job- i don't know what i'll do.
see, i don't want to get myself into a situation where i'm freaking miserable again. i don't want to work in an environment that doesn't make me happy. i don't want to be surrounded by ego's and people grasping for every piece of "power" and control they think is available to them. i don't want to work for someone who makes me feel like money is more important than i am. hell, that can be true for all i care, just don't make me FEEL like it's true. make me feel valuable and valued. i realize that's difficult in today's society, but really people.. why can't we get back to that? i feel like everyone is so wrapped up in their own "success" that they don't care about anything or anyone else. i don't want to be around people like that.
so i'm trying to figure out what it is that i want to do.. what type of environment DO i want to be in? what kind of people do i want to surround myself with? what kind of work?
i thought about opening my own small business. and while that idea still lives in my head.. i've realized that the thought of doing it by myself is probably a large part of what is holding me back. i feel like everything is on my shoulders and it's a lot to try to open something alone. i think it might be nice to shoulder the responsibility with someone else whom i can really trust and laugh with. but that can't be just anyone, you know? this store is something i've been kicking around for quite some time.. i've been working on it and taking classes and researching and doing a lot of stuff for it, so there is a part of me that wants sole control of the business because i feel like i've done so much work and put so much effort and heart into it. i have a hard time sharing. but i think i need to learn how to do that. i need to learn how to share- to ask for help- to have a partner. there's nothing wrong with doing things that help make your life easier. i have to learn that it's not about doing everything on your own all the time. i think that might be one of my life lessons for sure.
who knows?!?! i'm still trying to figure it all out. and lucky for you, you'll know when i do! :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
yeah, i'm an idiot. i meant to tell y'all so you could watch it.
but i forgot.
here are some pics though! duff is awesome and hyper and fun and funny! i loved him! he was TERRIFIED of boyfriend. he didn't want to take pics with me cause he thought boyfriend was going to hunt him down and kill him.
i love that. it cracks me up cause bf is so not a killer (unless you're bambi).
anyway, enjoy some pics from the event! :)
me and the duffster!
blake and duff! blake thought duff was making a tough guy face, so he did too.. but clearly, duff wasn't! hahaha
do you see the R2D2 cake in the back?!?! we ate him.
the ster-fam - i love my boys!
Monday, April 26, 2010
it never ends.
yesterday we were at a bbq at a friends house. apparently while blake and some other boys were in the hot tub, swearing ensued. i got 2 versions of what happened (naturally). there was blake's version of what he did and did not say. and then there was another kids version of the same events. and in all honesty, i believed the other kid.
i believed the other kid over my own child, who has proven to me many times over that he lies VERY seldomly.. i believed what the other kid told me because i assumed that blake was trying to stay out of trouble. i didn't believe blake because i thought he was lying. i just figured he didn't want to get in trouble, so he wasn't telling me the whole truth. i mean, we're talking blake looking me in the eye saying he said one thing, and the other kid looking me in the eye saying blake said something else. then blake saying, "i know what i said!" and the other kid saying, "well i know what i heard!"
and i sided with the other kid.
but you know what?
blake was telling me the truth. and i only found out after i talked to a freaking adult who heard everything. (i should have done that in the first place) and what i found out was that the other kid wasn't telling the whole truth. that kid lied to my face... for whatever reason?!?
so then i apologized to blake. and i told him that i was sorry for not believing him. and that i thought he wasn't being completely honest so that he would stay out of trouble. and you know what? blake was hurt. because he wasn't lying. because he was being honest with me... and i chose not to believe him.
and he should have been hurt. i totally understand it. and i feel terrible about it. and i wonder why we can't be perfect parents all the time? why did i choose to believe some other kid over my own? what does that say about me? why didn't i think that blake was telling me the truth? why did i assume he was lying to stay out of trouble? maybe it's because i thought the other kid had no reason to lie to me....
all i know is that today? i feel terrible about it still. my heart weighs heavy and i just feel badly. ah, being a mom...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
all i know is that boyfriend reminds me almost daily how happy he is to have the old ster back (and by "old" i mean the ster that used to be.. not old like i'm 6 years older than him or anything.. which i might be, but that still totally does not make me old. it just makes me oldER..) that i'm so much happier and fun again- and that i was literally having the life sucked out of me.
i knew i was unhappy. i know how i felt emotionally, mentally and physically in regards to everything about my situation. but i definitely didn't realize the extent to which i was bringing my misery home with me. i guess you don't realize how much one aspect of your life can affect every other. i mean, i know how hard it was for me every single day. but not at home. i liked being home. i like my boys. i like hanging out with them and spending time with them. i didn't even realize that i wasn't as fun anymore. or as happy. cause when i was with them, i felt happy. i felt fun... although i definitely had a shorter fuse and far less patience than normal.
it just makes me sad.
because they were affected directly by something that had absolutely nothing to do with them, or how i felt about them. you know?
not having that particular work environment anymore has given me my life back. and my sanity.
and my happiness.
and my heart.
also, i've learned that just because i'm not being society's idea of "productive" does not mean that i'm not being productive. just because i'm not working for someone else and bringing home a paycheck doesn't mean i'm not working. at this particular moment in time, i feel like working on myself.. my insides.. my mind.. my heart.. my soul.. is more productive than anything i could hope to find in any office.
so i'm giving myself permission.... to work on me. to try to relax and find that inner balance that i had so desperately lost and didn't even realize how off course i'd let myself become. permission to breathe again. permission to do society's version of "nothing" all day and feel okay about it. because i need this time. i need this break. i need these days right now to find ME again. and i need to be okay with that. i need to allow it. i really think it's the most important and healthy thing i could give myself... and in turn, my boys.
and i also have one hell of a supportive husband. who has been nothing short of amazing throughout this entire ordeal. he believes in me. and encourages me. and allows me to take breathers, take a break, and just enjoy things right now. without any pressure.
and i could not ask for more than that.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
i know that i need to work on forgiveness. true forgiveness. i realize that the anger and hurt that i hold onto, only ends up hurting myself. i'm the one who has to suffer with those emotions and live with them on a daily basis. they don't just go away in an instant.
i have to learn how to forgive those whom i have felt hurt by. betrayed. stabbed in the back. abandoned. the one that is the hardest and the toughest is my dad. i don't post much about the fact that i don't have a relationship with my dad anymore, but it is something that crosses my mind almost daily. especially when i go to weddings and see the father of the bride so happy for his daughter.... i instantly remember that my dad chose not to go to my wedding. and it's not that i'm angry about that. it's just sad.
i'm not sure how to forgive him. maybe forgiveness comes with the realization that all of his choices and actions are his to deal with and not mine? even though they affect me, maybe they only affect me because i allow them too? fuck, i'm not a robot with no emotions or feelings. so i'm trying to sort out how to truly forgive. and move on. and then what? if you still don't want to have a relationship with your own father, does that mean you haven't truly forgiven him?
i don't know.
and what if i don't have to forgive? i mean, i'm not angry anymore. i don't have feelings of hatred or anything like that. i don't wish bad things for him and his new life. i'm not cursing his name everyday or anything. my feelings are definitely more sad and hurt than any other emotion.
maybe i'm going about this all wrong. does forgiveness only come when you are angry at someone? what if you're not angry... then what do you have to do? accept? move on? let it all go?
i guess i feel unresolved. like it's this issue that hangs over my head and heart like a tiny black raincloud that until it's fixed, it won't go away. but i'm not sure how to go about fixing.. or if that's what i want.
this is all purely selfish in a way i guess. i mean, i want to feel better. i want to accept and move on and move past so that I can feel okay. i want to do what needs to be done so that i can heal. i need to mend.
i'm just not sure how.
Monday, April 19, 2010
it was just a really nice time with some really great people. the wedding day was a long one, but it was really nice to meet loree's other bridesmaids. we all tried to figure out where the hell i was when loree met these girls because i had never met them before. we decided i was away at college and then they were away and our paths just never seemed to cross. but they were so awesome and it was such a great day!! as i sit here and type this, all i can think about are the PICTURES and how badly i want to see them!!!!!!
can i just thank the goddess right freaking now that the photographer took some really nice shots of boyfriend and myself? it didn't even occur to me.. at all.. to ask anyone to take some pictures of us together. and he was in a tux!!! what the hell man. i always think about pictures and having ours taken, but it never even crossed my mind. i'm so unselfish. ha. anyway, i can't wait to see those pictures because the photog let me preview them on his camera and they looked SOOOOO nice!!!!!
i hate waiting for pictures.
i have no patience.
which is why i like to take all the pictures myself.
anyway, the wedding was really nice. the couple is so close to mine and boyfriend's heart that it was a personal day for us as well. i would glance up at him during the vows.. i locked eyes with him as i walked down the aisle. i'm just so in love with him. he's so freaking funny and dorky and a total goof. but i love all that stuff about him. we're both so foul mouthed and i forget how shocking our personalities can be to people who don't know us at first. but that just adds to the fun, ya know?
i'm in such a good place these days. SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY!!!!!! and i wake up every morning feeling so awesome and thankful for everything. but that's a post for another day.. you know. like tomorrow.
i can't wait for pictures!!!!!!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
i had my first ever body wrap today from simply beautiful in northern california!!! i honestly had no idea what to expect or what the hell was going to happen to me... so let me just fill you in eh?
first of all, i wore my bikini to get wrapped in. which is kind of what they recommend (i think). the first thing they do is weigh you and give you the options of having before and after measurements. i totally did that!!! after you're all marked up with pen marks (so they can measure you in the same places after the hour is over), they start the wrap. it's basically ace bandages soaked in some sort of minerals and whatnot. they start at your feet and wrap you super tightly all the way up the entire length of your body. if i counted correctly (cause who knows, the oxygen could have been cut off from my brain at this point) they wrap your body with 12 seperate bandages. then there is 1 additional one for your head and chin. you are wrapped up so tight and the only thing not wrapped is the front of your face.. think eyes, nose and mouth. i looked HILARIOUS and wished so badly that i could take a picture of the madness.
it was honestly a little hard to breathe at first because of how tight it was wrapped in the ribcage area. but that doesn't last long. after you're all wrapped, they put a poncho on you. i asked her why in god's name was she putting me in a poncho and why she would hide the gorgeousness that was my ridiculously large ass in ace bandages? she said that it gets cold... and i would want the poncho.
i thought she was weird.
but she was right.
so i'm all wrapped up. and we're talking tight as hell.... that you can barely walk because you can't really bend. i walked over to this area where she sprayed warm solution through the bandages and then directed me to a gizelle glder thing. you have to move on that for an entire hour. they said the movement helps with the circulation and getting the minerals absorbed in the body better.
before i knew it.. i was freezing. no joke.
so every 20 minutes my girl would check on me.. make me stop gliding and she would respray me with the stuff on my bandages. oh yeah, you have plastic bags tied to your feet and hands and they um... fill up with water, or juice, or shit coming out of your body and skin. it totally sloshes around while you're gliding on the glider thing. which is all sorts of wrong, but whatever. did i mention that at one point i felt like i was going to pass out because i was suddenly STARVING! and i mean, so dang hungry. it was odd. but it passed, i didn't die and i kept on gliding and sloshing around.
okay, after the hour is done- you get unwrapped and remeasured. and that part is kind of exciting because you get to find out if you lost anything! i lost over 10 and 1/2 inches total in this one visit! but let's be clear.. those inches are from ALL over my body. i'm talking the CHIN area (who the hell loses inches in their chin?!?! apparently me).. arms... various parts of my legs and hips.. my waist... my stomach.. they all combine to make the total inch loss.
i think the most interesting part is how i feel now... tonight. i feel worked. tired. like something happened, or is happening in my body. i don't know what it is, but it's hard to explain.
i do think that if you continued to do these wraps on a consistant basis you would lose real significant inches. but it's not cheap. and i really don't understand how or why it works at all.
but it was fun to do this one time. not sure i'd ever do it again... but maybe that will change after the weekend. they said the inch loss should continue for 2 days. that would be awesome and i'll report back if it's true!!!!
but yeah. i think the wrap has gone to my brain, zapped all my funny and made me have to pee a lot.
any questions, just ask. i might be smart enough to answer them. lol
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
my mom responded the way moms usually do.. something to the affect of, "wouldn't that be nice dear?"
but you know what? it's completely and totally true.
ever since i got "let go" from work, i've looked through and read relevant passages from all my old spiritual books "many lives, many masters" ... "your soul's purpose" and more recently "spirited" are all a hand gesture away at all times. it's as if i'm searching for something. looking for the right information that will speak to me. i'm trying to learn more and more about myself. reawaken my true soul's desire. (i know i've lost half of you by now, per usual)
if you know me at all, you know by now that i believe in spirits, spirit guides, soulmates, past lives, that we all have the ability to be pyschic, destiny, our lives have a path and purpose, etc. my belief in all of those things- INSPIRE me.
that's why i'm looking for more. i am going to take that day and spend it in the bookstore. i'm going to find multiple books that speak to me and inspire me and make me feel good inside. i believe that my spiritual and mental health are a huge part of the rest of my happiness. finding inner peace and strength from letting go of the things you can't control...... i live for that awareness.
so here's where you come in. do you have any books that inspired you? anything you can recommend that you think would inspire me? and thank you!!!!
Monday, April 12, 2010
magic mountain has some amazing freaking roller coasters. they have one called the x2. the things that you are strapped into move. so while you're on a rollie doing flips and dropping to the ground, the device your body is in is also flipping and spinning and turning and doing crazy shit. which is ALL SORTS OF AWESOME, except that now that i'm like a grown up and stuff, my brain totally fights what is happening. it tells me things like "this isn't right.. or natural.. or normal. our bodies should not be flipping like this right now. this can't be safe. IS THIS SAFE?!!? oh my gosh, i'm going to die."
and then there is the new ride. well it's new to me cause i hadn't been on it yet (or even heard about it).. called tatsu. now this ride.. THIS RIDE.. you are freaking on your hands and knees. you heard me. you are strapped in and the way the cars move, before the ride starts you are in freaking doggy style position. and you stay that way for the whole 2 minutes of this rollie coaster. i thought i was going to die. everything about that roller coaster is wrong. i mean, it was awesome and super fun, but it's hard to enjoy it when all my brain could think was "holy fuck.. am i really in this position right now and do i have to stay like this for the whole ride?!?!! holy shit, the chest thing is going to break and open and i am going to plummet to my death. unless i can grab onto the feet holders. i'll at least try to do that before i die."
it's true though!!!! between thinking that the one harness holding me was going to malfunction and i was going to plummet to my death in front of my child... and thinking my child's harness was going to malfunction and he was going to plummet to his death before i could grab him and hold onto him and jesus crimony.. what the hell is wrong with me?!?!!
i can't freaking enjoy roller coasters anymore because i'm too freaked out the whole time!!!!!! am i the only one who imagines her kid flying out of the damn thing and not being able to save him? probably cause clearly, i'm not normal and i'm probably a little crazy. i want to go back to when i was stupid, and didn't care how they made the coasters, i just wanted to ride them. now my mind is seriously trying to reconcile how it's possible that our bodies are doing this and how we're not dying the entire time.
i think i'm getting old.
or i need to start drinking.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
so for the whole week, me and the boy are down in southern cali. we've already been worked out by my devil sister and her spawn of satan manchild. seriously, they are pushy. i almost puked while running yesterday. granted, i'm a total pussy when it comes to running, but we had just eaten breakfast less than 30 minutes before!! i can't do that. my stomach needs to be all digested and what not before engaging in physical activity. (not all physical activity mind you.. ba chicka bow bow) are you grossed out now? totally imagining me all full of food doing dirty things with my boyfriend? well you are NOW aren't you?
in all reality, i had hoped that i would have some interviews lined up since i would be down here a full work week. i figured it was perfect timing. i was here. why not interview? a lot. but um.. it hasn't worked out that way. i mean, that would have been super quick, but crazier things have happened. they're just not happening right now.
and that's okay, because then i really enjoy being down here without any other pressure other than to have a good time with blake. i love being here. i just feel like there's so much to do whenever we want to do it. we have friends to see... super roller coasters to ride... a beach that has been calling my name since the day i left it....
you know what was funny? yesterday while i was playing catch with blake i told him that i needed to bring flowers to michelle's grave. (i try to go "see" her everytime i come back home) i asked him if he wanted to come with me. he told me that he never knew her (she died before i had blake) and that he didn't want to go. but then he paused.. and i could sense his little 11 year old mind turning and he said to me, "what would you PREFER i do?" and i almost started cracking up. because ladies, boyfriend has started to teach blake that WOMEN DO NOT ALWAYS MEAN WHAT THEY SAY! haha.. he has told him that when they ask men to go somewhere with them or do something and they say they don't care if you go or not.... that usually means they care. good lord. so i informed blake that i didn't need him to go and in all honesty, it was up to him. i am not sure he believed me (thanks babe). I TRY TO SAY WHAT I MEAN DAMMIT.
alright. my psycho workout sister is starting to get antsy. today i have to ride a bike while she runs. as long as my ass isn't the one running, i don't care.
but i'll probably still die. wish me luck.
Friday, April 02, 2010
look, in my opinion.. here is the bottom line:
heather is not your typical person. she makes a living from blogging. and a pretty damn good one at that. that's not something the majority of bloggers will ever achieve. the way she makes her money, is not normal.. hence, she is not a typical working mom.
i understand why people are upset, or are questioning why she got invited to the white house to represent working moms.
the thing is, when people think of working moms, they don't think of her. i think people tend to think of people they can relate too. people who do the same types of things they have to do. people who take their kids to daycare, clock in and out, report to someone else, fight traffic to get home in time for ball games or dinner, miss dinner, etc. i think as human's, we think of people who are like us.
it's kind of like in the same way when people talk about the typical blogger, and bloggers get upset when heather gets chosen to represent them. because nothing about heather and the business she has created is typical in any way. therefore, the typical blogger can't and doesn't relate to her.
but my problem is.....
why can't heather accept or see that? why does she have to write a blog post complaining about how hard her life is? and defending how hard she works? and then say she would never treat people the way people treat her... (when i know first hand how UNTRUE that statement is)?
why can't she just say she understands why people think she shouldn't have been invited? why can't she just see the situation from outside her own viewpoint?
in my opinion, it would have been really cool if she had said something like... hey fellow bloggers, i totally see why you don't view me as the typical working mom, but here's why i think i am. or you're right, i'm not the typical working mom, but i totally have work issues too and here's what i plan on talking about from my perspective.
or maybe she's just out of her mind overjoyed at getting an invite at all and doesn't care what it's for or about (cause that would be crazy exciting no)?!
and if that's the case, just say so.
just be honest.
there is something wrong when you constantly feel like people are out to get you, people hate you, they are jealous of you, etc etc. it's not that those people don't exist, but every single person who expresses an opinion different than yours isn't a hater. i'm not writing this post because i'm jealous. i'm writing this post because i'd like people to see that there are other ways to handle these situations. everyone else isn't wrong at the expense of one person being right all the time.
and just because some people don't think heather was a good choice for the panel, that doesn't mean they hate her.. or are jealous of her.. or think she doesn't work hard... she just doesn't fit the mold of who they feel the typical working mom is. and there's nothing wrong with that. the sooner we all figure that out, the better we'll be.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
the other night boyfriend and i had to drive up to see my mom. we had to drive up a highway that has no street lights and it's a 2 lane road.. dark as hell.
i feel like i can't freaking drive at night anymore. when other cars come at me, i can't freaking see anything. their headlights are so g-damn bright, that i have to look down at the road to try and find the lines and follow them.
is it just me?!?!?!
or are the new headlights RIDICULOUS???
or is it just me?
omg, what if it is just me?!?! i'm totally going blind. or blind at night. shit.i started to get worried. and i was telling boyfriend that when the cars would be in the other lane, i seriously couldn't see the road anymore. their lights killed me. and if a car would come up behind me with those new headlights, they blinded the fuck out of me from the back.
WHAT THE HELL MAN?!?!?!
am i just getting ridiculously old and feeble, or does this happen to you too?