i kind of don't know how all you stay at home mom's do it. like how you actually clean the house, make all the meals, and do everything else you have to do at home.. all while waiting for the older kids to get out of school.
basically, i feel like i can't do anything during the day. i sit and stare at the clock counting down how many hours i have until blake gets out of school. and it just never seems like enough time to do anything, or go anywhere. before you know it, it's time to go pick him up and i'm sitting here like "where the fuck did the day go?!?!" and even if i do get the time to run a couple of errands or make a couple of phone calls, or heaven forbid actually look for jobs online, it's like it's already past noon and closing in on 1pm... and that phone will ring in an hour or two.. and it's not enough time to start another project, or do anything else!!!!!!! i feel like i am constantly battling against the clock all day long. no wonder people don't get shit done during the day. you're too busy staring at the clock the whole time thinking about how little time you have to do anything... so you don't do much of anything, because how can you?!?!?
clearly i have time issues.
it's freaking annoying.
to contradict myself from the above thoughts, i will tell you that i have a super hard time just relaxing and doing nothing. i already cleaned and reorganized the cabinets in the kitchen. we all know i counted how many stupid plug sockets need to be swapped out downstairs. i look around at what i could organize and go through and throw away next. it's like i have to be doing SOMETHING, so that it's okay that i'm not working. at least i'm attempting to be productive right (all while staring at the clock)?
i so am not a relaxer. i can't chill. the guiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilt.
even though i know i have completely earned the right to do nothing for a month if i want too. i know that i need to decompress and destress from the hell that was my life for over the last year. i know i deserve it. i just don't know how to do it. and my mom? she called me on monday and sort of yelled at me for sleeping. (in all honesty i'm surprised i'm not in a freaking sleep coma. i seriously thought that the destressing would come in the form of me not being able to wake up for a week or something) she told me that i could relax next week when i was in LA and this week i should be doing shit around the house. i almost lost it. see, cause boyfriend had to give me a lecture on sunday night about how i could sleep all day if i wanted to on monday. that i didn't have to do a damn thing. that it was OK if i sat on the couch and turned into a lush. he had to CONVINCE me that it was alright to be lazy.
then my mom calls and fucks it all up. talking about lists. accomplish one thing a day. what the hell man?!?! i don't need to be motivated. i was a single mom for 7 years, i think i have the motivation thing covered. i'm not a lazy sack who doesn't work for a living. i enjoy working! i love getting out of the house and having a job and making money and kicking ass!! but clearly she didn't have to live with me the last 14 months, or she would have never said that stuff to me. (i know she didn't mean anything cruel or mean by it.. it's just that timing couldn't have been worse and i truly don't need to hear about what i should or shouldn't be doing with my days and time while i am currently unemployed. ya know? i'm sure she was trying to motivate me in her own way, but i don't need help in that department. i'm pretty self motivating and i'm trying to take a break. i think she's just scared i'll turn into this lazy sack who never works again or something.. ) there are days i don't know how i made it through without having an emotional or physical breakdown. it was, by far, the most challenging work experience i've ever had to deal with. i'm just glad it's over.
so here i sit.. at the computer.. typing this message and being fully aware that it's already 10:20 and i haven't done anything today.. and i'm still in my pajama's with no makeup on. and of course, all of those things are driving me crazy and i feel like a sack.
remind me i'm not please. thanks. :)