Wednesday, March 31, 2010

why it's annoying being me and NOT having a job

i kind of don't know how all you stay at home mom's do it. like how you actually clean the house, make all the meals, and do everything else you have to do at home.. all while waiting for the older kids to get out of school.

basically, i feel like i can't do anything during the day. i sit and stare at the clock counting down how many hours i have until blake gets out of school. and it just never seems like enough time to do anything, or go anywhere. before you know it, it's time to go pick him up and i'm sitting here like "where the fuck did the day go?!?!" and even if i do get the time to run a couple of errands or make a couple of phone calls, or heaven forbid actually look for jobs online, it's like it's already past noon and closing in on 1pm... and that phone will ring in an hour or two.. and it's not enough time to start another project, or do anything else!!!!!!! i feel like i am constantly battling against the clock all day long. no wonder people don't get shit done during the day. you're too busy staring at the clock the whole time thinking about how little time you have to do anything... so you don't do much of anything, because how can you?!?!?

clearly i have time issues.

it's freaking annoying.

*deep breath*

to contradict myself from the above thoughts, i will tell you that i have a super hard time just relaxing and doing nothing. i already cleaned and reorganized the cabinets in the kitchen. we all know i counted how many stupid plug sockets need to be swapped out downstairs. i look around at what i could organize and go through and throw away next. it's like i have to be doing SOMETHING, so that it's okay that i'm not working. at least i'm attempting to be productive right (all while staring at the clock)?

i so am not a relaxer. i can't chill. the guiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilt.

even though i know i have completely earned the right to do nothing for a month if i want too. i know that i need to decompress and destress from the hell that was my life for over the last year. i know i deserve it. i just don't know how to do it. and my mom? she called me on monday and sort of yelled at me for sleeping. (in all honesty i'm surprised i'm not in a freaking sleep coma. i seriously thought that the destressing would come in the form of me not being able to wake up for a week or something) she told me that i could relax next week when i was in LA and this week i should be doing shit around the house. i almost lost it. see, cause boyfriend had to give me a lecture on sunday night about how i could sleep all day if i wanted to on monday. that i didn't have to do a damn thing. that it was OK if i sat on the couch and turned into a lush. he had to CONVINCE me that it was alright to be lazy.

then my mom calls and fucks it all up. talking about lists. accomplish one thing a day. what the hell man?!?! i don't need to be motivated. i was a single mom for 7 years, i think i have the motivation thing covered. i'm not a lazy sack who doesn't work for a living. i enjoy working! i love getting out of the house and having a job and making money and kicking ass!! but clearly she didn't have to live with me the last 14 months, or she would have never said that stuff to me. (i know she didn't mean anything cruel or mean by it.. it's just that timing couldn't have been worse and i truly don't need to hear about what i should or shouldn't be doing with my days and time while i am currently unemployed. ya know? i'm sure she was trying to motivate me in her own way, but i don't need help in that department. i'm pretty self motivating and i'm trying to take a break. i think she's just scared i'll turn into this lazy sack who never works again or something.. ) there are days i don't know how i made it through without having an emotional or physical breakdown. it was, by far, the most challenging work experience i've ever had to deal with. i'm just glad it's over.

so here i sit.. at the computer.. typing this message and being fully aware that it's already 10:20 and i haven't done anything today.. and i'm still in my pajama's with no makeup on. and of course, all of those things are driving me crazy and i feel like a sack.

remind me i'm not please. thanks. :)


Audrey at Barking Mad said...

My husband went through something similar when he was laid off back in October. Granted, he was only out of work for a month, I wasn't sure he or I would survive that month.

He always felt like there was something he SHOULD be doing with all that time, but at the end of the day he kept asking where the time went and it drove ALL OF US, insane! Then when he did finally get a great offer, he was off to NY to accept the offer, virtually overnight, and guess who was the one left at home, actually doing EVERYTHING to move us from Maine to NY at a moments notice?!?!?! *lol*

This whole thing kinda makes me dread retirement. He's going to be impossible to live with when he retires!

I hope something, perfect, pops up for you soon, job wise! Too bad you're not in upstate NY...we seem to have a lot going on here.

Anne said...

You're not a sack, and I spent the entire last year in an equally train wrecky situation. But then, it ended (And I absolutely cannot be happier because I came home every day acting insane ranting that my job was "a disease").

If you sleep late, it's fine. If you count plugs, it's fine. It's definitely an emotional process you're going through, but know the people who love you and live with you only want you to be happy. So you do whatever you need to do that, even if it includes no makeup and PJs until 11:45.

JayMonster said...

Start with the basics. You are not a sack. You are out of your rhythm. When routines are made, they are hard to change, and your changed... you will adjust (and readjust) as necessary, just give yourself (and brain) a break.

As for mom... sometimes... how do I put this nicely... the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Yeah, that about says it. I obviously can't speak for your mom, but it is possible that she is concerned with you being depressed, and that trying to "give you a jump" with things you need to do will prevent you from "sitting around feeling sorry for yourself." A noble idea, but like I said, sometimes the best intentions are not necessarily the right thing.

I like to remember what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich, "In every adversity, is the seed of an equal or better success." Your "better" is out there, and you will find it soon.

NGS said...

I'm on Spring Break this week and I counted it as a moral victory that I got showered and dressed before noon today. Go easy on yourself. If your mom's so all fired up about a list, put sleeping in until double digits on the list and cross it off when you wake up at 10:20. (Seriously, getting up this morning at 9:00 was such a luxury...I hope to repeat it tomorrow!)

Jill said...

What you can do is stop feeling guilty. You have managed to live now for many years with your mother or anyone else telling you what you should do. What she does is fine but she is NOT you. Give yourself some time and stroke your ego a bit.

Look at it not as I am unemployed but I am on a well deserved break from work and wind down slowly.

Doesn't mean your a sack. It means you had a high stress job and your body needs time to calm down and adjust.

jennster said...

audrey.. so funny you mention that blake asked if we could move to new york.. i laughed!

Grand Pooba said...

Sack? What Sack? I don't see any Sack!

For real, just pretend that phone call from your mom never happened.

There, all better!

Alison said...

Yes, I can see Mom saying just those things. Just tell her that you have a list with only one thing on it: Do nothing. :)

Jax said...

you are definitely NOT a sack, girlie... And uh.. when I got laid off a few years ago, I totally felt your pain. I am NOT good at doing nothing. I tried to integrate the gym into my routine, but then I'd get bummed b/c I was working out while I should be WORKING. And one day I was like "Im entitled to sleep in" and the next, I was like "why am I so lazy?!" haha... It's such a push and pull.. like you should be looking for jobs 24/7 of something.. whcih is impossible. Good luck in the meantime, but you're going to find something perfecto. I just know it. And you'll regret not enjoying SOME chill time when you do. So you sit in your pjs til 10am sometimes! And even have a mimosa! Just.sayin.

norcalgirl28 said...

One day of my unemployment a year and a half ago....Frank kisses me good bye as he leaves for work. i am sitting in the recliner in my jammies watching DVR'd "House Hunters" and "House Hunters International". I told him my goal that day was to watch all the House Hunters I has recorded and I told him it was good to have goals. It took a few weeks, but I finally realized I deserved days like that in between interviews and job hunting and everything else. I hope you have some of those days too. You truly deserve them.

norcalgirl28 said...

House Hunters I HAD recorded. Sorry, the cat doesn't seem to think I should by typing and has his paws on the keyboard and my fingers.

judy in ky said...

Turn your phone off! You don't need motherly advice right now. You obviously are not a sack and you will find your rhythm.