i used to always think that i was a really good judge of character. i've always been the type to trust my instincts and my gut when it comes to people... especially people i just meet. i'll get impressions or feelings about people right off the bat and i tend to follow my instincts when it comes to them.
but i think that's different than judging a person's character. i feel like you have to actually know someone to some extent to judge their character, or who they are.
lately i am feeling like i couldn't judge someone's true intentions or character if my fucking life depending on it. but then i started thinking and wondering if that wasn't entirely my fault. maybe i am having problems with certain people because they are fake... and they're good actors? or maybe they aren't sure WHAT kind of person they want to be- so that wavering of their intentions, causes confliction in who their true self is. and that makes it harder for me to truly grasp who they are. how can i figure out who someone is, if they don't even know themselves? how am i supposed to know if they are on the side of good or evil, if they haven't figured out which side they want to be on yet?
and is it all up to interpretation?
all i know is that certain people around me lately really have me baffled. i can't figure them out. i want to trust them. i want to believe the things that they say to me. i want to think that they have my best interests at heart..... but the reality of the situation is... i don't think that's true. i think they are lying to my face. i think they are lying to themselves. i think they have their own agenda's at heart.
and there's a part of me that will never understand that.
because how is it okay to be so blatantly dishonest to people who are supposed to trust and look to you for guidance? how can you be so blinded by what you want, that it comes at an extreme cost? and how can they not care?
i just don't operate that way. i always try to be as honest as possible and as true to myself as i can. of course it's a constant work in progress, but at least i don't fucking lie about it. at least i don't look people in the eye and say one thing, then run behind their back and say something else- with the intention of causing problems for them.
at least i can sleep at night knowing that i always try to be a good, decent and honest human being who treats people the way she'd want to be treated...... honestly, decent and with respect.
that's far more than i can say for some people.