i know i've been m.i.a. lately. i'm in a crappy kind of place. i know i keep saying that, but it's affecting every single aspect of my life.
i feel weighed down so heavily that i can physically feel it in the pit of my stomach.. with every breathe i take in my ribs.. on my shoulders and in my head.
it's been rough.
but it will get better! this i know. i'm determined to make some positive changes because i'm the only one who can do it. no one lives my life for me. and if i sit around waiting for someone else to "save" me, or someone else to "fix" my situation for me.... well fuck, i could be sitting around for years. and why would i put my life in someone else's hands like that, when it's not necessary? why would i live on someone else's timeline for my personal change, when i should be living on my own?
i need to take the steps to make certain changes in my life. because the way i'm currently living is not healthy. and it's not okay with me on any level of my being.
i know things happen for a reason. and i'm 100 percent crystal fucking clear on why these things are happening now. i totally get the bigger picture. i just wish it wasn't so difficult. but i understand why it is.
big change sometimes requires a lot of force. not effort. not work.
and that hurts. and is hard. because when things are forced upon you, you usually want to fight back. you want to resist. because you're not ready yet. or willing. or you just need a little bit more time.
but sometimes things are out of your control. and it's not on your timeline. and it doesn't work the way you want it too. cause you want it to work out easy and pretty and with a little bow on top. but that's not life.
at least it's not mine. (this time around anyway)
my path is changing course.. whether i'm on board or not. i'd better get on board.