and we did. at least the buying the book part. saving the world is still in progress.
the cliff notes version is that the book is teaching you how you ACCEPT love. and how your partner ACCEPTS love. and basically, we tend to give the type of love that we want. for example, i like to get boyfriend little gifts all the time, or if i'm out and i see something he would want, i'll buy it for him. because i totally want gifts. but that isn't how he feels loved. he doesn't "need" the gifts to feel like i love him... but i do. get it?
so it's split into 5 categories.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
i knew right away what 2 i was, and what 2 i thought boyfriend was. there is a quiz in the back for your partner to take and for you to take so you can figure out what love languages you are. but once i brought the book home and took the quiz with boyfriend..... i started to think about something.
see, my results were clearly
receiving gifts &
acts of service.
and while i don't think the acts of service part would change (because no matter what, i really appreciate any burdon that is taken off of my shoulders and any help i get so i don't feel like i'm constantly responsible for doing everything)... i started to wonder about the receiving gifts part of it.
i started to think that maybe i want the gifts and stuff because i don't get them. and is that how this works? i mean, do we want the things in our relationships that we are lacking? did i only score so high on the gifts part because i don't get them?
and what if i did get them. and what if they came at a cost?
what if boyfriend was great at giving me gifts and trips and all sorts of awesome things... but never told me he loved me? or wasn't affectionate? or a good listener? would my love language change because now i was lacking in other areas? basically, i'm wondering if your languages evolve depending on your relationship. would i want the gifts at the cost of something else? maybe. i don't know.
what i do know is that this book made me realize that i completely give boyfriend love the way i want to be loved. and that isn't what he needs. and what he does need to feel loved requires some work and effort on my part. i know that might sound shitty, but it's true. but i want him to know that i love and appreciate him, so i have to learn to show him in the ways that matter most to him.... instead of projecting the ways that i want for myself.
and he has to do the same.because our love languages? completely different and opposite.
what do you think you are? what do you think your partner is?