and that's where this post comes from. she just needed to get it all out. obviously, since her original draft was written over 2 years ago... she is truly wanting everyone's opinions. she will be reading the comments... so thank you in advance for talking to her.
I need to get something off my chest.
I drafted a post a long time ago. I was scared to hit the publish button. Worried about how I might make someone feel. These feelings are still here, and I just need to put them out there in hopes that it will help me with the situation and the anxiety that it is causing me over a friendship that is no more.
In May of 2007, I wrote this:
“Her and I had a falling out once I became pregnant with my first child. And once my first child was born, I became nonexistent to her. But, of course, there was always the odd chance we would see each other, maybe 5 times over the last 2 1/2 years.
At those times, she showered my daughter(s) with gifts. She would tell me how great her career was going (how much money she was making, constantly getting promoted, etc.). She would constantly play up how great her career was going and her life was going. Why did this make me feel so incredibly small? Like being a mother (even though I also work outside of the home) meant so much less than making a ton of money. She made me feel like I wasn’t as smart.
I was told by others that this wasn't about me. It was about her. I was then reminded that she decided the day she was going to get married was the same exact day of the year I was married (my wedding was four years earlier), and that she used the same flowers I did, that her bachelorette party was in the same location as mine, and the copying goes on and on. The mere fact that I mentioned that we were going to start looking at buying a house led her to make an offer on a house the next week - when they hadn't even thought about doing it before. I have been told many times that she is a follower, not a leader, but why must someone copy me like this or treat our friendship so competitively.
She would never call me. Never email me. I had to make all the effort. And I was told by others that it isn't about me. Everything always has to be about her all the time.
I tried to let her know how I felt and that I didn’t like the competition it seemed we had between us. The response I got was nothing like the one I wanted. She mentioned how mad at me she was for missing her birthday party (granted there were many other people there). I told her I could not find a sitter. She didn't understand. How could she? She was the important one.
I don't even know where I am going with this anymore. It's just one thing after another. I mean, I really do truly believe that you don't know what it is like after having kids until you have them yourself. This friend is planning to get pregnant soon, and have her first child at 31, because she once told me when I was pregnant with my first that "31 is a good year to have your first child." And you probably already guessed it. I was having my first child at 31.
I'm stumped. I'm tired of thinking about this and getting mad every time I think about her. I just want it to end. Be over. Good riddance.”
That’s the end of what I wrote and I never really finished it, but it really and truly wasn’t the end until now, two and a half years later. We hadn’t written or spoken to each other since this last June, when she had very not discreetly placed my husband and I on her 2nd tier list of friends. When you are invited somewhere to be with a group, you kind of expect to be around that group and hang out with them. Instead, it was like we were a joke, and we were told there wasn’t enough accommodations, and you’ll have to stay away from the group somewhere else. I think that was the last straw. We stopped talking after this, but our husbands still remain the best of friends and do things together.
About a month ago, she was planning her baby’s first birthday party. She invited us, and I didn’t want to go and hadn’t responded to the invitation. I received an email on my birthday (of all days) from her after not speaking with her since June, asking if we would be attending and oh, she missed me, and happy birthday. She also mentioned that it had been weird that we hadn’t spoken in so long and if there was something that she did that upset me that she was sorry (did she already know what she did?). I was mad she sent this to me on my birthday because it ate at me all day, so I responded to her the next day. I thought that was a selfish thing to do, but what do I know? I reiterated the situation that hurt me, and that it wasn’t the first time (because there has been a lot of these situations over the years), and how it really upset me. I also told her that I hoped we could get past it and start over. So, what happened? I received no response. The fact that I actually held out hope that we could work it out makes me feel even worse, so now I am left wondering why I cared so much? Because I look back at some of this older stuff, and I had almost forgotten how long I’ve been going through this. Now it’s all very clear to me. What makes things even harder is that I can pretty much get along with anyone, so was that friendship just not meant to be? And because my husband and her husband are close friends, how can I make it easier for them? Because of their friendship, this makes for a sticky situation that I will always be attached to, and I think that is why I am having a hard time letting it go.
I don’t plan to ever see her again and will not do anything with them as a couple and that is the way I want it.
Writing about this makes me feel a lot better. Thanks for listening. If anyone else has been through this situation, it would be so helpful to me to find out how you’ve handled it and hear some advice.