i wish i didn't have to be.
i wish i could say everything i wanted too without worrying about the consequences... but that's not realistic.
at least not for me.
sometimes i want to start a new blog that no one would know about where i could spew venom and all my frustrations without the worry of "what if the person i'm writing about reads this?". but really, nothing about what i just said is positive at all- so maybe it's a good thing i don't have a space to do nothing but spew anger. it's not that i'm nice all the time here, it's just that, like i've said before, i'd like to be able to not candy coat shit. and i'd like to be able to talk about the things that are TRULY upsetting me. or frustrating me. or things that simply ARE NOT RIGHT.
but i feel like i can't. because doing things like that- writing about what is really going on in my life... will have consequences i'm not yet prepared to deal with. and it's almost not fair, because isn't that the whole point of having a blog to begin with? to be able to vent and talk and get out what you need too?
here's the thing....
i want to write about how i deserve more. how i don't deserve to be treated so poorly on a continous basis. how the things that i've been asked to put up with and the things that have been said to me, are simply.. not okay. i love myself and care about my soul & spiritual well being far more than anyone else ever will.
it's not that i'm prideful to the point of seeing things blindly.
it's not that my ego is so self important that nothing else matters.
it's just that i firmly believe in standing up for myself. especially when no one else will.
i know what is and isn't right for me.
and right now.... things aren't right. and they're not okay. and it's not okay with me anymore.... not that it ever was. the time to stand up for myself is drawing near..
but i can't write about all of that.
i just did.