Thursday, October 08, 2009

how we change as women..

i have a few girlfriends up here who are older than i am. i only say that because i completely forget all the time that they are older than me. they're skinnier than i am. they're hotter than i am. and they're just as fucking awesome as i am. i always think that we're all the same age...

i love having conversations with these women because they are so insightful. and it's interesting to hear the things that they are going through. most of them got married when they were fairly young, and so now- as they're getting older, they feel like they wasted their lives away. well, no. that's not right and that's not what they said at all. sorry, i have to do them justice here.

let me try this again. they feel like they've spent so much of their lives making decisions for everyone else. doing things for everyone, but them. raising the kids. raising the husband. and they've all said that the older they've gotten, the less tolerable they've become. things they once didn't have a problem doing before, they simply don't want to do anymore. things that have been okay for years (because they allowed and supported it) aren't okay anymore.

suddenly, they're finding themselves wanting more. more freedom. more independence. just more FOR them. and apparently, once they've hit that point, there are no more conversations. it isn't a negotiation. it's not a compromise. she's done. she's over it. she wants different. you're either on board with the new her, or you're not. and in all honesty, you might not even have the option.

the man in their life is probably sitting there wondering what the fuck just happened, when in reality, he didn't do anything "wrong"... she just grew up and decided she was over all the bullshit. we could argue about this for days- talk about how since she allowed certain behaviors for so long, that it's her fault in a way. and how she can't expect him to change on a dime because she doesn't want to do the things she's been doing for years anymore. why should HE change? it's been okay for as long as he can remember, why isn't it okay anymore? so many people would say that the woman created this situation and the blame would be placed on her. she allowed certain behaviors. she gave in. now she wants change. but how inconsiderate of her to assume or expect the man in her life to change or adapt with her. right?

does anyone ever think that maybe it was never okay? maybe she felt obligated to do certain things. maybe she changed who she was in the to accomodate what she thought being a good wife meant? so she adapted in the first place. adapted to what he wanted her to be. then she got tired of adapting. tired of bending over backwards when no one did the same for her.

and one day... she snapped.

and you know, i totally understand it. when my girlfriends talk about how they're tired of certain things and that once they reached this certain age, they were just done.... i get it. listening to them vent their frustrations and trying to verbalize feelings they've never put into words before- i understand it all. i get what it is they want. what they're looking for. what they want to change. to me, it makes perfect sense how this all happened. it's logical. and i do think it didn't have to be that way. whatever my friends are looking for, i hope they find it... and i support them 100%.. all the while hoping that since i got married so much later in life, that this shit won't happen to me and i won't feel this way.....

9 comments:

Andie said...

I honestly believe that it takes compromise between both parties and communication. I think that it goes both ways and I also believe that the foundation of compromise & communication should be laid down before a couple gets married.

I honestly believe that if a couple has that in place and they stick to it- those sorts of issues can definitely be worked on.

Laura said...

I have a friend who went through this last year. Your description of her feelings and his reactions are almost exactly their situation. I have to admit that I couldn't wrap my own head around it. She was married and had kids right after college and never really felt like she had her OWN life (my situation was different because I got married later and waited several year to have kids). Luckily, they are trying to work it out, but I honestly believe she could still walk right out the door if not for her kids (actually, before, she had talked herself into thinking they would be fine with seeing her every other weekend).

It is a situation with complicated feelings and I completely feel for anyone going through it.

Grand Pooba said...

Dude, what's that show called? Snapped? Please make sure your friends don't end up killing their husbands. Because that would not be good. Not good at all.

I hope to god that I will not only tolerate but LOVE my husband 50 years from now!

norcalgirl28 said...

I would be willing to bet that the women, like me, hinted, asked, begged and pleaded, for things to be different for years. The men, thought they were kidding, didn't take them seriously and, since nothing drastic ever happened, kept acting the way they were acting. Yes, you get to a certain point where you sit down and say, how much clearer can I be, how many different ways can I say this to get you to understand I don't like the way certain things are in our marriage. I don't like that you don't help with this or you don't treat me like this or you don't take me here. But, some men never get it and you get to a point where you have to make a choice, either realize that nothing is ever going to change or walk. ...and sometimes you are in too far to walk. I don't think this is an all of a sudden thing with your friends. I would be willing to bet they have wanted change for years.

Smug said...

I do think that wisdom comes with age and when you get married so young, you have not learned how to communicate effectivly and so you fall into patterns. Then you grow up a bit and develop into the real woman you were meant to be and suddenly you want more from life or different things from life. I believe that this is why so many marriages of the very young end. I am glad that I waited until my 30's to get married. I feel like I know myself and I know better what it takes to make a happy marriage! At least I hope so!! Ask me again in 20 years!!

Jenn said...

You've got to grow together. It's hard when one grows without the other. A little compromise works well too.

Jenn

Kelly said...

I often wonder if I'll be one of those women. I love my husband, but he can be as immovable as a mountain and stubborn as a donkey. I can only hope that our decision to always keep talking and sharing expectations/disappointments will keep our marriage strong. I don't want to have regrets down the road, but I don't know if they are avoidable.

Gidge said...

This is totally why I waited until I got married and started having kids - I was 35. I never wanted to be one of those people who regretted their early life.
Now at 41, I know that I made my decisions for ME and waited until I was mature enough to have the burden of marriage and kids - without regrets.

Teri said...

Was I there this weekend!!!! :)