Tuesday, September 15, 2009

double standards

know what is really, really hard? this whole location thing. the fact that i was born and raised in southern california and boyfriend was born and raised in northern california. and while there are things i really like about where we live, i will never feel about it, how i feel about my hometown (obviously). it's where my soul is. it's where i feel at home. and no amount of trying to get things, or do things up here will ever change that. i think in the back of my mind i would always wish i was doing whatever i was up here... down there. there is always someplace else i'd rather be. other people i'd always wish were around me.

i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my niece who is basically my twin. i miss my nephew and it's his senior year of high school. that makes me sick to my stomach. i don't want to miss his friday night football games. i want to be there watching him play. i don't want to miss him playing varsity baseball. i want to be there for those games too. I HATE MISSING OUT ON THINGS AND TIME YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK. i'm too fucking sensitive to just simply be okay with missing all of these things. i care too much to pretend like i don't.. or act like it's alright. when inside, it's not. you see, they may not need me, but i need them.

i honestly think that boyfriend thinks that at some point, i'll be content with living here. that something will happen and it will magically make it all okay. and i'll stop bitching and complaining. and i don't want to bitch and complain (i fucking hate that i'm writing this right now because i know how much it will hurt boyfriend).... it's just that i'm hurting too. you try living with how i feel inside. there are things that i want. things i want to try and do. but i don't want to do them up here. the last thing i want is to do something that ties me down even more to a place i don't want to stay in long term. how fucked up is that? but it's the truth.

i think that if i was to lock myself into this location more- there would come a point where i exploded and walked away from it all. i can pretty much almost guarantee that time would come. i couldn't tell you when, but i would feel like i just kept making all of these decisions that required me to stay up here longer and i think the thing is.... it's not self satisfying. it doesn't make me feel good. i don't know why, but there is a part of me that feels like everything i accomplish and do will be that much more satisying and enjoyable if i did it down south. does that even make any sense? and if it does, please tell me why.

another shitty aspect? if you ask anyone about moving to so cal, they all say that there's no way in hell i'm getting boyfriend down there. and they say how much he'll hate it. and how miserable he'll be. and people have actually expressed concerns about our marriage making it if i insist we move. they think he won't go. they think that will break us. how fucked up is that? and his family gets super upset at the thought of him leaving here for there.

but how the hell is that fair?

why was it perfectly okay for not only me, but my child, to move away from my family and move up here? how come my unhappiness is something i have to just live with and get over? how come i'm a bitch for not getting over it already?

and seriously, what the fuck is my problem? why can't i just be happy and fine here? opinions? thoughts? medication?


Becky said...

whoa. i love you. that's all i can say.

Angry Julie Monday said...

Funny you should say this...

Angry Husband is from Nor Cal and Reno. His entire family is in Pacifica mostly. Luckily, I met him while he was in the Marine Corps down here at Pendleton.

He's asked me several times to move up North and I give him that look...the are you fucking kidding me, my entire family is down here and we have a child look.

I'm an only child and pretty close to my parents. I can't imagine how you are doing it. It seems like you are very close to your sister and that you want to be an active part of her life. You can't get moments like high school football games, summer bbq's, and pedicures with your niece back. I think there are some pretty serious regrets in your head.

We've been thinking about having a fresh start and moving to Vegas for a few years. Unfortunately there's no way we would move unless my parents move too. We need that support system. It seems like you are lost and you don't have your support system. I'm sure that your BF has support system, but I really think women need their support system more.

I can imagine what you are going through. It would totally suck.

nancy said...

before i met my husband we lived no where near each other. when we moved in together we decided to split the distance between our families. while not ideal it works for us. although unlike your love of so. ca my home area has gotten so over crowded it takes 30 to 40 minutes to go less than 3 miles . the area we moved to we both love. hopefully this helps. i know that not being happy where you are living is the worst. good luck

Kelly said...

I am lucky that my husband moved here before we met so I don't have to worry about living in his hometown.

I like the idea of splitting the difference, though the point is that you want be there-there, not close-to-there.

It's definitely unfair to think you should get over your feelings while kow-towing to his. I hope you come up with a solution that you can be happy with.

Anonymous said...

All I know is how it feels to move away from "home" and then realize happiness never truely comes. I did this once...I lasted as long as I could and I had to go back. Good luck! Jade

Heather said...

I too like the idea of picking some place neutral that maybe you both like, is that an option? Family and HOME is really important, and at the end of the day sometimes all that matters. Doesn't solve anything to just say that though, the only thing I can think to advise is some sort of real compromise to be worked out.

Good luck, and go have a margarita this evening! :)

Grand Pooba said...

I recommend a cocktail of prozac, wellbutrin and lamictal.

Or wine.

Both have pretty much the same affect.

Now you've got me scared, I might be moving in the near future and it's moving away from both my our families. We'll have nobody, and what if we have to start a family while away?

So thanks for that, lol, I'm kiddin. I think.

But as far as your situation, I don't think it's fair AT ALL. Was this just out of convenience why you moved in the first place? I guess it doesn't matter the reason because you both need to be happy with your situation or else bitterness will just get worse. You are totally valid in your complaints! Especially because your child has moved too, away from your family!

The decision should be between you and your boyfriend, not your boyfriend's family!


Chris O said...

My first hubby was from NJ and I'm from Seattle. We moved back and forth across country several times because he could never decide where he liked it best. Neither of us ended up happy and I finally told him I wasn't moving away from my family again. We split up, I married a local boy and we have no intention of moving away.

I'm not saying that where we lived killed our marriage, because it was only my idea to move back to Seattle the last time. It turned out my ex suffered from an undiagnosed depression and wasn't happy anywhere.

So when you move back to So Cal, get boyfriend on some prozac cuz it's more important for you to be near family than for him.

Remember the old adage, "A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life."

Greta said...

I can understand you. I am now living in a small town in MT that I grew up in, met my boyfriend in HS, stalked him, things didn't work out, he went off to the Marines, I married and had 3 kiddos. Stretch out 15 years and here I am back here again in the same town I grew up in... but I don't feel like I belong here. I left everything I wanted and had for the past 10 years back in WA. And like you I don't think there is a magic pill to just make it ok and suddenly I'll like it... but I love the man and this is where he is happy.

Ericka said...

i'm sorry you're hurting. i moved to so cal at 21, met someone there then moved back home to oh for school. we made a long distance relationship work for 10 years, but in the end... i wasn't willing to move back there and he wasn't willing to move east.

here's the thing, though... to this day, i miss the pacific. i'm less than an hour from the atlantic, and it is not the same. i miss the beach, and parts of my life there, even though i have no intention of ever moving back. i visit on business, and there's an ache.

after school, i ended up moving to chicago for a job and i was MISERABLE. i wanted my home, my family, my life. now i'm in north carolina, and if i have a choice, i'll probably move back to chicago - home changes, and if you have a snapshot in your head of what it is, you may find it's not what you thought you needed if/when you make it back there.

what made you move to no cal? him? did you meet him after you'd moved? your feelings are yours, and you absolutely have the right to them, but... is it not a double standard to say that your family is more important to you than his is to him and to make him move? you risk him feeling the same resentment that you are struggling with now. i hope there's some compromise that you can reach 'cause this could tear you apart, wherever you end up.

this is really long (sorry), but last thing... don't get so wrapped up in what you don't have and where you aren't that you don't give where you are and what you have now a fair shot. that's basically what i did in chicago - i was so busy mooning over not being in ohio that i missed a lot of what was great about chicago. sad thing is that some of it i only figured out as i was getting ready to move to nc. please be brighter about it than i was.

Andie said...

I don't know what to say. but I can give you a great big virtual HUG!


Sisita said...

Ok Jenn. I had to mull this over for a bit. I think most of the comments have good points. Chris in entitled to be near his family as much as you. Your neice and nephew miss you terribly. I am not sure how many people know how much time was spent together when you lived down here. It's not just bbq's and games. It's Sunday afternoon when Blake got back from Brians. It's movies no one else will see but you and me. It's sitting in the kitchen laughing for no reason other than we soo enjoy each others company.

We are grown ups...well sometimes...we have lives to live...but at the end of the day it's family that matters....friends are awesome, especially if you consider them family...and we can always make new friends....I am rambling....the point....Your family Jenn is just as important as Chris's...we love Chris and we love Chris's family too...we wish were were all together and we are not. There is not a good solution....it's compromise....and sometimes someone has to compromise things they didn't think they's have too. Meaning you had to give up what we had for a future woth the man you love. You didn't know exactly what you were giving up....Chris can compromise too and he might know what he is giving up and that is why he is fighting so hard to stay there. He loves you Jenn and Blake too, he wants you happy....and he wants to be happy.Dammit can't we just all get along....ha ha. Honey I want you here and Chris entire family, they are awesome. That's me being selfish cause I can't move. We need each other more than we get right now. Nephew will be out of school in 9 months so it really isn't an issue about him any more. His games that we are both missing leave a hole in my soul. My favorite games are the ones you were at. That's where the memories are. Telling you about them doesn't work for me. Both my kids will still be around especially if Blake is out here and playing ball. They would make a point to be there. Just like they always did before. In the end it's about family and you and I have been wothout ours for log enough. Sorry selfish Sue just came out.

norcalgirl28 said...

I may hit delete after I read this but here goes....I hit delete after I wrote everything out. You know how I feel and I am sorry, and hurt, that you are so miserable.

Alison said...

I know this is really selfish, but guys are fine without their family around. I mean, really, don't all mothers know that when their sons get married, they will spend 90% of their time with their wife's family?? This is my way of saying that you should pick up the little family and move down. Maybe you could move to see how things go....if he misses his family terribly and is miserable like you are now, perhaps you'll have to reevaluate things and compromise like other commenters said. I mean, shit, haven't you always wanted to live in Fresno? :) I hear the Huck Finn river runs through there.

P.S. I think he'd be fine without his family. His family would be miserable without him, but he's a big boy and needs to do what's best for you two.

IzzyMom said...

aw hon..I feel ya. I really do. I've been dying to leave this place since before we got married and yet? Here we are. *sigh* If I had things my way, I'd be living in Portland (and about 10,000 times closer to mah Jennster!).

mamabird said...

I've been thinking about this post of yours for a few days and in the end I think the double standard has to do with you being a woman. Because despite our desires to let go of traditional roles of what women and men should/shouldn't do, the idea of a woman picking up, giving up and doing whatever it takes for her husband is much more present that I would like to admit!

becky said...

Wow. I so feel ya sister. Longing... aching for my family in the midwest. As much as I do love socal, it's expensive and I want my kiddo - who is still so very young - to know his cousins and family.

But my hubby actually wants to move back with me, so it's a different situation for me.

I wish I could say something that makes it better, of course. Which I can't.

But I still know a bit of how you feel, I think. Big hugs to ya woman.