know what is really, really hard? this whole location thing. the fact that i was born and raised in southern california and boyfriend was born and raised in northern california. and while there are things i really like about where we live, i will never feel about it, how i feel about my hometown (obviously). it's where my soul is. it's where i feel at home. and no amount of trying to get things, or do things up here will ever change that. i think in the back of my mind i would always wish i was doing whatever i was up here... down there. there is always someplace else i'd rather be. other people i'd always wish were around me.
i miss my family. i miss my sister. i miss my niece who is basically my twin. i miss my nephew and it's his senior year of high school. that makes me sick to my stomach. i don't want to miss his friday night football games. i want to be there watching him play. i don't want to miss him playing varsity baseball. i want to be there for those games too. I HATE MISSING OUT ON THINGS AND TIME YOU CAN'T EVER GET BACK. i'm too fucking sensitive to just simply be okay with missing all of these things. i care too much to pretend like i don't.. or act like it's alright. when inside, it's not. you see, they may not need me, but i need them.
i honestly think that boyfriend thinks that at some point, i'll be content with living here. that something will happen and it will magically make it all okay. and i'll stop bitching and complaining. and i don't want to bitch and complain (i fucking hate that i'm writing this right now because i know how much it will hurt boyfriend).... it's just that i'm hurting too. you try living with how i feel inside. there are things that i want. things i want to try and do. but i don't want to do them up here. the last thing i want is to do something that ties me down even more to a place i don't want to stay in long term. how fucked up is that? but it's the truth.
i think that if i was to lock myself into this location more- there would come a point where i exploded and walked away from it all. i can pretty much almost guarantee that time would come. i couldn't tell you when, but i would feel like i just kept making all of these decisions that required me to stay up here longer and i think the thing is.... it's not self satisfying. it doesn't make me feel good. i don't know why, but there is a part of me that feels like everything i accomplish and do will be that much more satisying and enjoyable if i did it down south. does that even make any sense? and if it does, please tell me why.
another shitty aspect? if you ask anyone about moving to so cal, they all say that there's no way in hell i'm getting boyfriend down there. and they say how much he'll hate it. and how miserable he'll be. and people have actually expressed concerns about our marriage making it if i insist we move. they think he won't go. they think that will break us. how fucked up is that? and his family gets super upset at the thought of him leaving here for there.
but how the hell is that fair?
why was it perfectly okay for not only me, but my child, to move away from my family and move up here? how come my unhappiness is something i have to just live with and get over? how come i'm a bitch for not getting over it already?
and seriously, what the fuck is my problem? why can't i just be happy and fine here? opinions? thoughts? medication?