Thursday, August 27, 2009

sure, i'm bitter

i have to talk about this. and i have to because there are things i'm so freaking bitter about, that i have to get them out there, so i can get the fuck over them.

i've met heather a couple of times super briefly at blogher events. and you know, i thought i really liked her. i thought she was nice, sweet, funny and gorgeous in person. and i thought she liked me too. then there was that whole shitfest of a post from her husband talking about how we all should thank heather that we have the gift of being able to blog, etc. basically saying in his opinion, that she was the reason we bloggers have the opportunities that we do today. well i disagreed with that post. a lot of people did, but i actually wrote in his comments that i didn't agree. apparently he didn't like what i wrote or how i wrote it and he called me passive aggressive. although nothing about my post was passive.. or aggressive. i was simply stating my opinion and thoughts in as nice a way as possible. i wasn't trying to be a bitch or rude- i was just saying i thought he was wrong. i had no idea that either one of them would seriously get pissed about it.

moving on to the morning after that post and my comment.. i opened my inbox and saw an email from heather. it was very brief (we're talking like 3 sentences max), but the jist was that no wonder "so many people" had told her not to trust me. i was floored. and hurt. and confused. but the reality was, that i wasn't upset about what her "friends" had told her about me. i didn't care that people told her not to trust me. i was pretty confident that whoever said that to her couldn't claim to even know me on a real and personal level. i was more upset that she would send an email like that to me. send something that was purposefully meant to hurt me. what she wrote was meant to make me feel bad... and i didn't understand how someone in her position, who constantly talked about getting emails that made her feel bad, calling her names, saying rude and mean things- would do the exact same thing to someone else. and i was bitter that she would do something like that in an email.. privately.. where no one else could see it or know about it. and then carry on in her blog like she was always the victim, and never the one doing the victimizing.

i blogged about the email, but i never mentioned who wrote it because at the time i was completely mortified about getting it in the first place. i was still totally shocked and for some reason, embarassed. i felt like i got sucker punched and i was trying to breathe the wind back into my lungs. and also, i knew that people would respond 1 way in the comments if they had no clue who wrote it, but the second they found out it was heather, their responses would be completely different. they wouldn't be honest anymore, they would be something else. i've often wondered why we act certain ways online when we would never act that way in real life..

after a few days i wasn't shocked anymore. i was i was angry at being treated that way. i was angry that her email was meant to be mean and hurtful. and i was angry that she didn't respond to the email i sent her in response to hers. in my mind, she had probably gotten exactly what she wanted. she sent a mean email, riled me up, hurt my feelings, got me to respond back to her and then she just walked away from it- never to talk about with me again. i deserved more than that.

i haven't talked about this before in the way of naming names not because i haven't wanted to.... but because i was almost afraid too. i've been "warned" about the potential backlash.. heard nasty rumors about accounts being shut down.. etc. i think mostly i never wanted to talk about it because i wasn't sure what would happen AFTER i did. but the thing is, my feelings haven't gone away. my want to put it out in the open and just finally discuss it.. my need to put it out in the open.. it hasn't wavered. probably because i haven't dealt with it... i'm obviously not over it because when i hear about heather once again going on another talk show, representing all of us bloggers, i get so unbelievably annoyed. partly because i'm tired of it always being her to do these things, as if she's the only blogger who exists in the world. and partly because i'm still upset at her for treating me the way she did. it's almost like how can i possibly be happy for someone who was so rude to me?

i guess i wanted to blog about this because it still upsets me. it still bothers me. and i hate how i feel whenever heather's name is brought up. i instantly get bitter. and when i see the amount of people who blindly follow her and jump through their keyboards in her defense, i get so angry. and i realize that my reactions in regards to her are my issues and my problems. but i don't want to feel this way about her anymore. i want to simply not care. but at this point, i still do. but i don't want too.. i really just want to get over it. but i don't know how to do that...