i've been really introspective lately. i'm not sure i'll even write fully about my thoughts at this point. probably because they aren't complete. my thoughts are definitely a work in progress. but i've been thinking about the way i live my life. and i've been seeing how things are very self imposed. what i mean is that i have things in my life that i think makes it more difficult to relax and just enjoy living. things that i've chosen to have in my life at this point, that have forced me to have to live a certain way... do certain things.. give most of my personal time to a job when the person that needs it at most, ends up being the one who sees me the least.
i know a lot of us do that, but the thing is... we don't have too. we choose too.
buying a house that was "affordable" by california standards, but still has an unbelievable monthly mortgage puts pressure on me and boyfriend that i can't even begin to express. we didn't have to do that, but we chose too. has it made our life any better to have this house? has our quality of life gone up from home ownership? in all honesty, i don't think so. all it's done is take the majority of my money and make me feel trapped and pressured on a daily basis. putting ourselves in a situation where we are "required" to bring home a certain amount of money each month just to pay for where we live has affected everything else in our lives.
and it's weird because sometimes i'm torn.
i seem to be fully aware that we have brought this upon ourselves. and so when i think about accepting change into our lives- to achieve more balance- home ownership (at least in this state for the most part) seems to be the first thing that needs to go... unless we want to continue this vicious cycle. and trust me when i say that, it is vicious. i don't know. i'm just thinking about lots of things lately.. unsure about some of them.. questioning others..
like i said, it's a work in progress..