Friday, August 07, 2009

blake's heart.

i kind of have this fear that blake will be more sensitive than i am. and when i say sensitive, i mean it in the way of how we both "feel" things. i tend to feel some things on an insanely intense level. sometimes i think i won't be able to get through another moment because it's so powerful.. painful. it hurts how deeply i feel things sometimes.

and i don't want that kind of intensity for blake. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he's sensitive and caring and completely aware of how his actions make those around him feel (or at least i think he's aware of those things)... but i wouldn't want this level of uncontrollable sensitivity for him.

last night i told him to go into my room and pick out a cd to listen too. when he didn't come out, i walked in there and he was staring at the pictures i have of my grandma just bawling. he started talking about how much he misses her and just wants to see her again.

i finally got him to go lie in his bed while i talked to him about how he was feeling. but when blake gets like this, he's almost inconsolable. he leaped out of bed and started asking me for pictures of him and great grandma. could i look for them.. could i look for them RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. he grabbed the surfer type necklace he bought earlier that day and said he wanted to find a "special place" for it.. that it would be for grandma.
before you know it, he had created this on top of his dresser:
great grandma's sign
(i don't want to hear how corner is spelled wrong, thanks)
great grandma's corner of things
blake said, "grandma loved the ocean, so i put shells for her. she loved to teach, so i put a flute so she could teach music.."

and he got into his bed and cried. and said things like "i am SO so proud that she was my great grandma. do you think she knows that? how proud i was of her?"

and while i sat there trying to console him... i also sat there in amazement at the way he thinks. the things he said. there are too many to type and share, but it's just that he has such a big heart. and he is so thoughtful and caring. he talked about her being an angel and then quickly changed his mind and said "she's not an angel mom.. she's so much more than that." he spoke of how lucky great grandpa was to have her. and that she didn't deserve to not be here anymore. i talked about how amazing her life was and how she got to do and see so many things and experience so much more than most people. he didn't care about that. he just wanted her there now- wanted to be able to hug her and tell her he loved her "one last time."

and then i realized how much trouble we're going to be in when he really starts to like girls. for real reasons instead of the pretend reasons why he likes them now. i think my son is going to fall HARD for every girl he likes. it's going to be a long road of broken hearts ahead. especially with the way this kid feels things. and the way he expresses his hurt. on one hand i'm worried.. but on the other hand i'm proud.


Becky said...

you should be proud. yes, it'll be a road of broken hearts. BUT the girl that really loves him and gets to marry lucky will she be? he's a great kid jenn. he's a lot like you. and you know i love you.

btw thanks for making me cry on a friday, asshole. ((HUGS))

OH and i remember seeing her there at your wedding...but i didn't get to see blake dance with her. i hate that i missed that!

Issas Crazy World said...

Just be proud babe, just be proud. He's a great kid and he'll make an awesome man one day.

It's taken me a long time to learn that we can't protect them from being like us, from having heartaches or from real life taking them down a peg. All we can do, is be there for them and be their cheerleader when they need it.

Kristabella said...

You should be proud! What a great person you are raising, such a sweet, loving person!

He's really mature way beyond his years. And the girl that will eventually win his heart will be a very, very lucky girl!

Daddy Dan said...

You should definitely be proud! You've apparently done a great job of raising him.

Sarah said...

I just had to reach for the tissues reading this post! What a total sweetheart you are raising. Very special moments.

Mbdiamond said...

A mom's worst fear, no?

Same thoughts drive me crazy some days too - but you've gotta be totally proud ;)

Jason said...

This is a great blog you have here. I have a humor blog myself and I would like to exchange links with you. You can contact me either through email or simply by a comment on my site. It's a win-win situation for both of us. Let me know if this is possible. Jason

stephanie (bad mom) said...

This is such a hard place to be - wanting your kid to have sensitivity but knowing how painful that can be. In the end it's a good thing; be strong, for him. :)

Nora said...

That's so sweet Jen. My 5 year old boy is the same. He's a Gemini, and apparently they love "really hard." I think he's already been married and divorced to at least 4 different girls.

Hold on to your baby as long as you can :-)

Jane said...

Thank you for making me cry.

cat said...

omg asshole that made me fucking tear up...........
what an amazing soul he already has. squeeze him.