and i don't want that kind of intensity for blake. don't get me wrong, i'm glad he's sensitive and caring and completely aware of how his actions make those around him feel (or at least i think he's aware of those things)... but i wouldn't want this level of uncontrollable sensitivity for him.
last night i told him to go into my room and pick out a cd to listen too. when he didn't come out, i walked in there and he was staring at the pictures i have of my grandma just bawling. he started talking about how much he misses her and just wants to see her again.
i finally got him to go lie in his bed while i talked to him about how he was feeling. but when blake gets like this, he's almost inconsolable. he leaped out of bed and started asking me for pictures of him and great grandma. could i look for them.. could i look for them RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. he grabbed the surfer type necklace he bought earlier that day and said he wanted to find a "special place" for it.. that it would be for grandma.
before you know it, he had created this on top of his dresser:
(i don't want to hear how corner is spelled wrong, thanks)
blake said, "grandma loved the ocean, so i put shells for her. she loved to teach, so i put a flute so she could teach music.."
and he got into his bed and cried. and said things like "i am SO so proud that she was my great grandma. do you think she knows that? how proud i was of her?"
and while i sat there trying to console him... i also sat there in amazement at the way he thinks. the things he said. there are too many to type and share, but it's just that he has such a big heart. and he is so thoughtful and caring. he talked about her being an angel and then quickly changed his mind and said "she's not an angel mom.. she's so much more than that." he spoke of how lucky great grandpa was to have her. and that she didn't deserve to not be here anymore. i talked about how amazing her life was and how she got to do and see so many things and experience so much more than most people. he didn't care about that. he just wanted her there now- wanted to be able to hug her and tell her he loved her "one last time."
and then i realized how much trouble we're going to be in when he really starts to like girls. for real reasons instead of the pretend reasons why he likes them now. i think my son is going to fall HARD for every girl he likes. it's going to be a long road of broken hearts ahead. especially with the way this kid feels things. and the way he expresses his hurt. on one hand i'm worried.. but on the other hand i'm proud.