Saturday, July 18, 2009

the best part about a funeral all the people it brings together in love. there is nothing more celebratory of someone's life, the impact it leaves behind, and all those affected by it, then seeing the massive amounts of people come out to honor that person. to share memories.. stories.. laughter.. and talk about how much they loved that person. i got to see people today i haven't seen since my wedding. i got to see people i haven't seen since their wedding. and even though the reason for us getting together was so tremendously sad... it was truly wonderful to get to see old friends.

today was hard. the moment i walked through the doors i was flooded with emotion. seeing the blown up picture of the man i'd known my whole life as "celeste's dad" was overwhelming. the ceremony was moving, touching and deep. and good lord if i didn't completely lose it every 5 minutes. it was beautiful and the room was packed. it touched me to see how many people, from really old friends to new ones, came out to celebrate his life. he had the best smile of anyone i've ever known. he was such a kind and gentle man. he was always smiling and laughing. and i mean always. he was a truly likeable human being. and today i learned so much more about him that i had never known before. like that he was about 100 times MORE amazing and kind and wonderful than i had always thought he was. i'm grateful to have gotten to learn more about him today. i'm so saddened by his passing. and i wish his children and his wife didn't have to go on living without his physical presence. thank god for good friends right?park40

after the ceremony, we moved on to a park. it was a little less sad at that point and a little more lighthearted... which was good because if i had to cry anymore, i wasn't going to be able to take it. i spent the entire afternoon talking with friends i'd grown up with my whole life. and friends of my parents who grew up with me my whole life. being surrounded by childhood friends naturally brings up the subject of my dad. so of course, the inevitable was asked quite a few times throughout the day.. "do you talk to your dad?" "when is the last time you talked to your dad?" "does your dad know rich passed away?" "what exactly happened with your parents, i don't know the whole story?" each of those questions just as hard as the first.

and then, more tears came. for a different reason of course. the fact that i have to say to people who knew my dad forever.. that no, i don't talk to him. that we don't have a relationship. and then try to convince myself that that is not entirely my fault. i'm still hurting over the fact that my father isn't the person i thought he was. yet there are qualities about him that are genuine.. like his sense of humor and his friendliness. and i love those parts about him. but it's all so hard. or maybe i just make it hard? maybe it's as easy as black and white and i insist on shades of gray? all i know is that inside of me there is this shattered little girl who wishes with all her heart that her dad could be the person she once thought he was. but that's not reality. and so i sit here, still broken.. unsure of how to move forward.

thank god for friends right.


carrie said...

Rough day for you, hope you got lost of hugs. :)

Becky said...

Wow that was sad. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I can totally relate with confusion over how to feel about your dad. I love you and I'm sorry your day was hard.

Jason, as himself said...

What a hard thing to go through. It always shocks me how the first few days of mourning seem to be mixed with extreme sadness and laughter, at least in my experience. The laughter keeps us from going crazy.

I wanted to stop by and say thanks for commenting on The Jason Show the other day, and I will see you around!

Alison said...

Oh, give my love to Celeste. I'm so sorry to hear about her dad. She looks absolutely beautiful, though!

I wish you and your dad would talk. As you know from this weekend, life is short, and you may not like him or what he did, but at least get it off your chest. As your father, he really should be the one to reach out, but if he's too childish to do it, you should. I think you'd feel a lot better in the long run.

Heather said...

Emotional day no doubt. And yes, thank God for good friends! Top 5 survival mechanism.

I hope things with your dad take the best course. I don't know the story but it sounds like it's been painful. Best of luck with that.