no more wedding stuff. i don't want to post anymore.. you don't want to read anymore.. so it's done! as quick as it came... it's over. (that's what she said)
i am going flipping stir crazy lately. i think subconsciously i realize that i have absolutely NO vacations or small trips planned this year. last year we took blake to new york, and had a vegas getaway with a bunch of our friends. the year before that was our wedding and our honeymoon in st lucia. and then there's my yearly trips to new york to see my girlfriends that happened every year before that. not to mention my trips to the south that i was taking every year. and then there was blogher, which was total women overload the two times i went (no everyone, i'm not going this year.. obviously). i have been traveling and planning trips for years now- i can FEEL it inside that i have nothing going on this year. and it is hurting me. like i am going to have a freaking emotional, physical and mental breakdown, hurting me.
just sitting here writing this makes me want to cry. i feel like i have nothing to look forward too. and it's summer! you're supposed to look forward to summer vacations in summer (repetitive much). i'm just so sad. i want to go to new york and see my friends. i NEED to go to new york and see my friends. i want to go to texas and see my other friends. i want to go to oahu and well... who the fuck doesn't want to go to oahu?!?!?
i don't have super close girlfriends up here. i have some women that i absolutely love and adore and feel so lucky to have met, but we don't spend that much time together. i definitely feel a void in the "girlfriend" category of my life. boyfriend goes camping and stuff anytime he wants too with his buddies. and while i don't begrudge him that (at all) there is a part of me that screams everytime he leaves to go hang out with them. and i think it's just the jealous part of me because my best friends aren't here. i can't go do that with them if i wanted too. seeing my best friends means planning a fucking trip and flying somewhere. or driving hours to get to them. which is fine because i love to travel, but which isn't fine when you have no money to do it with.
the thing is? i NEED some girlfriend time. i need to get the fuck away from here. i don't want boys around.. i don't want a family trip.. i want a stercation. i want to stay up late partying at clubs and dancing all night. i want to eat a slice of the best pizza in the us at 4 in the morning. i want to stay up talking with my girlfriends in their bed until none of us can keep our eyelids open anymore. i just want their company. i miss them so much. and i'm sitting here trying to figure out any possible way that i can make seeing them happen. not for them, but for me. because i need it. like need in the most possible way that you can need something.
listen, i'm a guys girl and i can hang with the boys like nobody's business. but this guys girl also needs girls. your guy friends can't fill that girlfriend void. it's not the same. i find myself constantly surrounded by boys and it just makes that void even stronger. it makes me more aware of what i'm missing. more aware that i need to take more time out for ME. i need to do things that will make me more spiritually happy.. content.. balanced. that's probably it. i feel totally out of balance because my life is leaning so far in 1 direction that the other direction is virtually ignored. i have to fix that. before i go absolutely insane and lose it. althought that might be fun for y'all to watch. ha