Thursday, January 15, 2009

why i'm a mental case when it comes to losing weight

and why i write the longest post titles in the history of mankind. couldyouimagineifididntspaceoutmywordsandwrotesthetitleslikethis? wow. that was hard. my brain definitely wants to space out the words. and no, it doesn't want to capitalize things. suck it.

if you've been following my blog lately at all, you'd know that i'm in the process of torturing the hell outta myself... aka attempting to lose weight. you'd also know that i'm on day 11 of said torture. is it any wonder that the word DIE is in diet? i didn't think so.

here's what i'm learning. and i think i should also clarify. i'm definitely not doing a NO carbs, NO sugar detox for these 14 days. it's more like a LOW sugar, LOW carbs. cause you see, i could drink milk if i wanted (1% or non-fat), but i'm not. and milk has sugar and carbs in it. i can (and am) eating lowfat cheese, and cottage cheese and nuts and stuff. all of those things have sugar and carbs in them.

moving on. it's day 11 and i will tell you that this week has been the roughest. I WANT SOME FUCKING BREAD AND BUTTER. I WANT SOME FRENCH FRIES. I WANT SOME CAKE! i do. and it's not even my body that wants them i don't think. it's my head. my mind. i think i want them cause i can't have them. and i want them bad. like it's all i think about when i drive to and from work. i'm not eating them.... but i want too. it's not like i'm fighting off this urge that my body is super feening for and MUST.HAVE, you know? it's my fucking brain. my mind wants them. it seriously consumes my thoughts.

boyfriend made the mistake last night of telling me to just "stop thinking about them." i think i bit his head off and ate it for dessert.

the thing that sucks too with this whole lifestyle change and eating better for the rest of your freaking life thing- is that i'm mentally aware that i'm trying to eat better with every single that i eat. so every meal.. every snack.. every ANYTHING.. is work. and that kind of takes the easiness and the fun out of it. and it also makes me mental. because i'm fully aware that i am not eating how or what i would be eating if i could just eat however i wanted. does that make any sense?! so this is the part that sucks. this is the part i'm going to struggle with. because eating the same types of foods over and over and over again for every meal is going to get crazy boring and i'm going to want to splurge. and i'm just going to want to live how i want. and then i'm going to hate how i look.

it's like this constant battle and really, is it worth it?! UGH! i have to get past this whole mental battle part. the battle with food. the battle with my defiant mental nature and wanting something cause i'm not supposed to have it. see how rebelious i am even when it comes to myself?! good lord.

14 comments:

Alison said...

I was reading something in Us magazine and some little starlet (I can't remember who) said she eats whatever she wants (which I do too) but in moderation. Her example was that she could eat ONE bite of chocolate cake, be okay with that, and walk away. Are you freaking kidding me? That is not realistic at all. I say, have the whole damn piece of cake, just not every week! At a party? Sure! But don't go buying one to bring home just because, you know? I couldn't cut anything out of my diet for good. I have to know that I can eat whatever I want whenever I want it. But, I don't overdo anything and I try to stay active. It's balance and it works for me. I know it doesn't work for everyone though.

Ali said...

i don't know. dieting sucks. i watch what i eat...i have been watching for my entire life.

BUT

the being said. i still enjoy all the foods i like. pizza. cookies. cake. etc.

i just make choices around them. if i'm going out for dinner...i want to go out for dinner...i want to enjoy it. so, maybe for lunch that day i'll justhave veggies and hummus.

i make some sacrifices so i can continue to be thin and eat the foods i want to.

make sense?

Stephanie A. said...

I try to eat like south beach phase II most of the time (cannot do phase I as I am currently sleep-deprived and to deprive myself further would mean murder) and find kaylnskitchen.blogspot.com very helpful. it sounds like you are doing phase I of SBD, and if so, she has recipes just for phase I and then some for phase II or all phases.

also, when I am low-carbing it an absolutely LUXURIOUS meal for me is to have mixed greens with grilled red/orange/yellow peppers and onions, slivered almonds, shaved parm (you've gotta have some parm!) and a juicy strip steak sliced up into strips. I just had this last night, too because christ, I wanted some cake.

Andie said...

YOU CAN DO THIS JENN!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

I'm on day 19 of Wii Fit 4-5 times a week plus watching what I eat.

I've lost nothing. Not a thing, damn it!

I want some fucking nachos. I can go without the cake, but the nachos with white queso, oh I want to have an orgasm just thinking about it.

corrin said...

Dieting does suck, but I started Atkins 10 days ago, and I'm down 10 pounds. Their website is fantastic for recipes, and this is the first time I've been on a diet and NOT been hungry.

Tonight...meatloaf with spinach and feta! But I'm looking forward to having a cupcake on my birthday in March.

M said...

I'm not a dieter, but I have recently started to workout, which I HATE! I started packing on the pounds since I turned 30 three years ago. I'm tired of the spare tire around my waist so I joined a gym and go every day whether I want to or not! Sometimes I don't make it there until 8 pm, but I still go. The first couple of weeks were pure agony. I didn't want to be there, I've hated working out since birth, etc. After 4 weeks of being on the elipitical and treadmill, I've lost 10 pounds so now I feel like it's worth it. I'd be psyched if I could lose 5 pounds each month for awhile. Now I feel super gulity if I don't make it to the gym. It for sure is a lifestyle change, but if you want it bad enough, you'll do it. You can totally eat whatever you want in moderation. I still enjoy a bowl of potato chips and some chocolate on a daily basis. If I can do any of this, anyone can!

Scientific Lutheran said...

Lifestyle change. Just a diet with another name.

To deny what you love, that's not living. Life is meant to be lived.

But. Don't make a chocolate cake on a friday afternoon. Make it last thing sunday night and take it to work with you. Have a piece, 2 pieces, but you won't eat it all, because others will eat it for you.

I do this with all of the sweets I crave. I make it, but I have to take it somewhere with me. That way it doesn't sit at my house and taunt me.

I'll never be 120 lbs again. Hell, I'll might never be 140 lbs again. I've made my peace with that. But, I'm still funny, nice, not bad looking, and I actually eat when I go out on a date, and that's nice too.

Ericka said...

hmm. the problem though is if you deny yourself until you snap and snarf down everything in reach. are treats in moderation possible?

Self-Proclaimed Supermom said...

Jennster,

I have tried EVERY diet...Atkins, The Zone, Vegan, Pills, you name it. It is pure hell and torture and the weight just all comes back once you start eating regular again.

Don't torture yourself. Try Weight Watchers!! I have been doing it for 5 weeks now and have lost 8lbs! It is not hard, and you can eat what you want.

It's all about planning, making better choices, and knowing the difference between being satisfied and full. It works, and it's easy.

Hugs :)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I am with you. I obsess about food constantly and it is a million times worse when I am dieting.

The Redheaded Lefty said...

So, I have been through this before, too. I lived at home while my dad died of cancer. People kept bringing food and I was obviously depressed. Depression makes me stuff myself. I gained 20 pounds in four months and felt so damn bad about myself. I cannot (will not?) watch my eating. I like everything. So, I find that I have to keep moving. Before my daughter, I was running a lot. It isn't as necessary not that I carry 30 lbs around all day, but still. I have to move or I pack on the pounds. I heart sweets.

Kristabella said...

This is why I love Weight Watchers, because if I want something, I eat a small portion of it and count the points.

Next time you want fries, get the frozen ones in the grocery store. Still fries, not as bad for you as McDonald's.

You can do it!

Shannon said...

I'm on the 300th anniversary of "The Day I Start My Diet." Dieting sucks ass. And I am SO bad at the "balance" thing.