Friday, January 30, 2009
i mean, i think i've done lots of awesome things. i've had amazing jobs and met incredible people and have had a really cool life so far. but i guess i just feel like the word remarkable insinuates that you've overcome these unbelievable odds to accomplish something... or you did something when the entire world said you couldn't... or you've inspired greatness in others..
and i just don't see how anything i've done in my life, couldn't have been done by someone else. i don't think that i've done anything that others couldn't do.
i guess i don't see myself as remarkable.
but maybe i should.
i do see myself as awesome. and hot. but not necessarily remarkable.
and then that opens a whole other can of questions. like WHY don't i see myself as remarkable? why don't i think being a succesful single mother is a remarkable thing? maybe because i didn't feel like it was so hard, so nothing remarkable could be that easy (not that it was entirely easy, but everyday was not this life or death kind of struggle and i think there are lots of single moms who had/have it far worse, and far harder than i ever did).
and so i was wondering if people saw themselves as remarkable. so i ask you... do you feel that you've accomplished remarkable things? if you think you've done something remarkable, i want to hear about it! and if you don't think you have, i want to hear that too!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
i mean how else would i know that the sweet old man at trader joe's has a wife who ate too much salt? and that the eating of the too much salt affected her heart and almost killed her. and that she had to have surgery to repair the arteries. but at least she's going to be okay. and they're happy. and he thinks that the things at trader joe's are too expensive and how can anyone afford to buy their food from there? and how come people don't just cook in their own homes anymore? and don't forget to lay off the salt! because of him, i haven't been salting things. really.
and then there was the guy at the gas station. i mean, i was sitting there, filling sam (my jeep) up with gas, and next thing i know this guy has told me all about his 22 year old daughter. she was addicted to drugs, but she's been clean and sober for a few months now. she had to move back home and if she was going to live with him, she had to clean up. but she doesn't have a job right now. and he's worried that the guy she is dating is a total loser. but he's just trying to be a good dad. and he just wants the best for his daughter. and i told him that i knew both. and i meant it.
and i can't forget that guy with an accent so thick, trying to explain to me that he wants to be an airplane technician. and so he's moving to denver colorado on august 2nd to go to school there. he said there was a school in la, but he was afraid of falling in with a bad crowd and he thinks denver is a safer bet for him. i laughed when he mentioned that he would probably lose his tan and turn white living there. i wished him luck. and i meant it.
i always walk away from things that like and wonder if it ever happens to anyone else? or am i the only one? on one hand i think it's neat to talk to people and hear the things they choose to tell me. but then i wonder WHY me? i mean, do i have a sign on my forehead that tells people it's okay to get completely personal with me and tell me things you may not even tell your friends? i really don't mind it, i just find it kind of fascinating. and in some ways, i consider myself lucky.
does this happen to you? or someone you know? or do other weird things happen to you? what happens to you often enough that you think it's odd?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
yeah. that was me.
apparently goofiness runs in the genes. poor kid.
Monday, January 26, 2009
and just that thought alone- having NO mortgage on our home, was enough of a freaking godsend to send me into a daydreaming tizzy of giddiness. and then that branched off to all sorts of thoughts.. "oh my gosh, no mortgage? could you imagine??! if we only needed
it's really exciting when you think about it. at least it is to me. the idea of actually having your paycheck's money to do things with, instead of putting it all towards a house you can't afford to remodel.
well then i started thinking about work. and of course my natural reaction was that i would continue to work. as long as i was happy, and enjoying what i was doing, why would i stop? plus, could you imagine if i had to stay home all day, everyday? i think i have trouble with my weight now. good lord, i can only imagine the things i'd eat througout the day if i was home.
but then i started thinking that i could sit here all day and say that i would continue to work, or volunteer, or do all sorts of things, but i don't TRULY know what i would do unless i was put in that situation. none of us do. we think we know, but really... do we? you may think you'd do one thing, but when it really hits- you find that you want to do the exact opposite.
do you think you'd continue to work if you didn't have to? what would you buy or do with all the money? let's fantasize today!
Friday, January 23, 2009
the 2 weeks of hell are officially OVER (and have been for almost a week now) and i think it's fair to say i lost somewhere between 8 and 10 pounds. i can't say for sure because i did not weigh myself before this all started. i have a weight that i WAS (before the holidays) and i had lost 5 pounds from that number. i'm positive it's more because i ate everything in site and didn't limit the candy. movie theatre size gobstoppers and bottle caps anyone? yeah, that was me. so i know i was over the number i thought i was at. but by how much? i dunno, so i'm guestimating.
i will tell you that the hardest part about those 2 weeks was my own mentality about it. i am so fucking rebelious by nature that i will seriously fight my own self. knowing that i CAN'T have something, made me want it that much more. just to be like "you don't control me" to my own self. very counter productive, i know. but now that i'm past those 2 weeks and i can eat more, it's awesome. since i know that i CAN have something, i genuinely don't want it. i really wanted some fresh bread with butter and so i literally took the smallest slice of it, and didn't even eat half. and that was fine for me. settled the want and the cravings and i don't think it made me gain all my weight back (or any of it realistically).
i guess the hardest part of all of this will be me. i do believe that i'm my own worst enemy. i don't like being told what to do, or how to do it- apparently not even from myself. all i know is that right now, i feel good. i don't feel like i'm depriving myself. if i want something, i'm having it- just in very small amounts. and that's how i want to live. eating what i want... just not everyone's serving of it. you know?
i haven't started working out yet, but when i do- look out! hopefully the last 10-15 pounds will just drop off. that would be nice. i'm still a fat ass, but i feel better about it. and i'm still losing about 1/2 pound per day. for now anyway. i'm sure that will stop once i start consuming a normal person's amount of calories each day. i started keeping a food journal at livestrong and i've learned that i'm barely eating any calories. i'm not hungry and i feel like i eat plenty- but the calorie number? practically zilch. so it's all really interesting.
and that's about it.
fat ass out.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
the letter that followed:
Dear Mrs. Boddel,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told Sarah how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had. Then I found one more in the back room, and several people were fighting over who would get it.
Sarah's picture does NOT show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot. From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly,
ps- just to clarify... this is not a personal jennster story.... only cause i don't work for home depot and i would totally dance on poles.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
i mean, i GET it.. like i understand what they're doing and stuff... BUT I DON'T GET WHY THEY WOULD DO THIS TO SOMEONE?!?! they build this incredible house, with these amazing rooms and unbelievable decor, etc. and you can enter to win the house. sounds awesome and incredible right?!?
let's break it down for you. this house is in california. it's probably valued at close to $2 million dollars. do you have any idea how much the property taxes alone on that house would cost you? probably anywhere between $20 and $30 THOUSAND dollars a year. who can afford that? i mean, i assume that the people who enter the contest hoping to win the house are pretty much run of the mill, everyday kinds of people. not the type of people who could afford 20 grand a year in taxes alone.
so i don't understand AT ALL why hgtv does this? the person who wins this house is in for a world of financial hurt. especially in this economy. so why are they doing it? why would they give something like this away to someone? the basic idea of this whole contest is really generous and giving. you know, build an incredible house and give it away to one lucky person. but in my opinion, that "luck" will quickly turn bad if they end up stuck with a home they can't possibly afford to live in, let alone keep. has anyone who has won one of these homes in the past ever been able to keep it?!??! cause i'd like to know.
so i just don't get why hgtv does this? do you??!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
you are SO serious all the time. i don't mind it really, but do you think that you could slip in a few smiles now and then? because your smile? AWESOME. when you smile, it makes me smile. and i don't think you have any idea how freaking adorable you are when you're smiling.
so yeah... here is the ster checklist:
- smile more
- sour face less
ps- when i was getting dressed this morning i stared into my closet and wondered what i should wear for such an amazing and incredible day. i chose BRIGHT YELLOW. so did your wife. we are one. i'll be waiting for my white house invite.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
crazy is right. but also amazing and awesome and thanks for sharing it.
if you've been following my blog lately at all, you'd know that i'm in the process of torturing the hell outta myself... aka attempting to lose weight. you'd also know that i'm on day 11 of said torture. is it any wonder that the word DIE is in diet? i didn't think so.
here's what i'm learning. and i think i should also clarify. i'm definitely not doing a NO carbs, NO sugar detox for these 14 days. it's more like a LOW sugar, LOW carbs. cause you see, i could drink milk if i wanted (1% or non-fat), but i'm not. and milk has sugar and carbs in it. i can (and am) eating lowfat cheese, and cottage cheese and nuts and stuff. all of those things have sugar and carbs in them.
moving on. it's day 11 and i will tell you that this week has been the roughest. I WANT SOME FUCKING BREAD AND BUTTER. I WANT SOME FRENCH FRIES. I WANT SOME CAKE! i do. and it's not even my body that wants them i don't think. it's my head. my mind. i think i want them cause i can't have them. and i want them bad. like it's all i think about when i drive to and from work. i'm not eating them.... but i want too. it's not like i'm fighting off this urge that my body is super feening for and MUST.HAVE, you know? it's my fucking brain. my mind wants them. it seriously consumes my thoughts.
boyfriend made the mistake last night of telling me to just "stop thinking about them." i think i bit his head off and ate it for dessert.
the thing that sucks too with this whole lifestyle change and eating better for the rest of your freaking life thing- is that i'm mentally aware that i'm trying to eat better with every single that i eat. so every meal.. every snack.. every ANYTHING.. is work. and that kind of takes the easiness and the fun out of it. and it also makes me mental. because i'm fully aware that i am not eating how or what i would be eating if i could just eat however i wanted. does that make any sense?! so this is the part that sucks. this is the part i'm going to struggle with. because eating the same types of foods over and over and over again for every meal is going to get crazy boring and i'm going to want to splurge. and i'm just going to want to live how i want. and then i'm going to hate how i look.
it's like this constant battle and really, is it worth it?! UGH! i have to get past this whole mental battle part. the battle with food. the battle with my defiant mental nature and wanting something cause i'm not supposed to have it. see how rebelious i am even when it comes to myself?! good lord.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
blake has slept better the past 2 nights. fallen right asleep, no drama.
i have pictures of the house that i need to post. y'all keep asking what the f is going on with the ugly house, and i pretend i can't hear you. you know like a kid with his fingers in his ears going "la la la la la la." we put in a new front door (which also means we got really cute and awesome new door handles). i painted the downstairs and we're in the process of putting can lights in the ceiling. the backyard has grass. i repainted the kitchen. we got new hardware for all the cabinets. we got a new porch light. shutup. that's the kind of shit that makes me happy. still so much more to do. still no money to do it with. still thankful we both have jobs and a home in this crappy economy. *knocks on wood*
ipod- i haven't bought anything yet, but i will get the classic. thank you for the recommendation on the black with black since the button thing gets all dirty. that's what i'll be getting. no dirty buttons here. everyone else who insisted i get the touch- dude, my phone already does all the shit the touch does so i don't need it. just wanted a music player only. word. oh, i do have a question about the ipods since boyfriend is up my ass about this- can you still NOT make a music cd out of music you download from itunes? remember how they download in this weird format that can only be played on apple stuff and you can't burn them onto a disc??? is that still the truth?
our dog- she is inside the house all day now. i think this is week 2 (or maybe 3) that we've left her indoors all day long. she no longer barks and bothers our neighbors. now she just shit and pisses in the house for us. awesome. but at least our neighbors are happy right?
food. eating. diet. whatever. i am on day mother f'n 10 of 14 days of this craziness. i will tell you that whoever says the cravings for sweets and breads goes away is a freaking liar. the past couple of nights have been the worst. tater tots were in my house. i wanted one. BAD. and i really thought, 1 won't hurt. it's just ONE TOT! but no. i didn't do it. and ever since, i've wanted some french fries. or some bread and butter. and omg, it's like freaking mental torture over here. i think i've lost about 4 pounds. nothing major. but i'm hoping these last few days will really kick my body into gear and i'll drop some more. i wanted some major results with this so i'll let you know. i might start excercising too because i find that i'm kind of bored and that i kind of miss it. i might pass out on the elliptical machine due to lack of food and well, that would be an awesome blog post. so i might do it- just for you guys.
Monday, January 12, 2009
his sleeping habits got better once he started school. he would actually go to bed and fall asleep at a decent (normal) hour. then he started getting a little bit older and well, that decent hour didn't hold sleep the way it used too. i definitely have a night owl- which is totally fine. i'm the same way, so whatever.
but here is where the problem lies. blake is completely terrified when it comes to night and falling asleep. he starts thinking about horrifying things. like people breaking in. he freaks out at the thought of someone getting into the house, and he torments himself with what he would have to do if that happened. and what i would do. or what boyfriend would do. and he is freaked out about the planes that fly over our house. he freaking thinks they are going to drop bombs on us. (now this is where i'm like... fucking war movies, war video games, this is why he does not need to be so fucking obsessed with war at this age... he can't seperate it in his mind) he spazzes out about every sound, every move, every anything. he gets wrecked. (and let's not even start talking about the kind of nightmares this kid has. that's another post in itself)
in all honesty too, blake was fine for quite some time. it seems like this nighttime ickiness has flared up since being away from us for a week. he came back from spending time with his dad to this fear of airplanes at night and not being able to sleep again. he can't think of anything that made this happen again. and we don't know either. and nothing works in regards to calming him down. no rational conversation makes him feel better. nothing makes him calm. it's like he cannot be reasoned with.
i remember being a kid and freaking out inside about noises and sounds and stuff. it was terrifying. but i feel like blake takes it to a different extreme. i don't know. it's just really hard and exhausting and sad.
do any of your kids do this? did you do this?! how do i fix it and help him?
Friday, January 09, 2009
our neighbors call animal control every.single.morning. we know the animal control people by name. they are really nice and understanding. they're in a tough spot because they are just trying to do their job. but they also know that we're trying to fix tacoma. we're trying everything to get her to be comfortable while we're gone.
okay, so not only have our neighbors been calling animal control daily- they also started calling the police. really. and, on top of all of that- they are THROWING THINGS INTO OUR YARD!!!! the assholes are throwing pears, eggs and rocks at our dog to get her to shut up. how lovely, right? i'm sure throwing things at a dog that is freaking out will definitely make it more comfortable.
i'm sorry.. but how the fuck old are you? who throws eggs at people's homes? oh yeah, immature losers with no jobs who don't own the house they're living in. assholes.
so anyway.. for now- she is staying in our house. so there are days when we come home to shit and piss on the carpet. and days we don't. cool.
advice on seperation anxiety in pets anyone? advice on dickwad neighbors? :)
Thursday, January 08, 2009
today will prove to be the hardest day since i am traveling to la and the place i am going is filled with sweet treats (omg i totally accidentally wrote twats lol) for me and bubble gum and fruit platters. i cannot have any of those things. if i can make it trough today i can make it through anything bitches.
ok i have to go. saicoworker just asked how we can become best friends before the day is over if i spend the hole time ignoring him by texting. i suppose i owe him some ster time so he feels loved.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
so last night i had this dream where i was eating something all carb-a-licious, disguised as something not full of carbs. and once i realized what i had done, i was like "omg, you ate all those carbs! you idiot! you're not supposed to be eating carbs! oh what have you done?!?!!? you're going to have to start all over!!!!"
my point? it was last night. LAST NIGHT. i hadn't even done the no carbs or no sugar thing for an entire day by that point!
this is going to be a long 2 weeks.
ps- i'm not working out right now. i find that working out really makes me hungry and i think it would be freaking mental sabotage to attempt this no carbs/sugar thing and work out at the same time. i'll be done working out and stuffing my face with chocolate the instant i get out of the shower.
work outs will resume after the 2 weeks of terror.
Monday, January 05, 2009
remember my post about being a fat ass? i knew that it would be pointless (or suicide) to attempt to lose weight during the holiday season. i would have been destined to fail, for reals. and failing would just lead to more eating.
but today- today i start. i start eating in a way that will lessen the largeness that is my ass. and i'm determined. i cannot go on being this enorm. i know you guys saw pics of me from christmas and you think i'm not big, blah blah. but listen- i know how to stand and pose for pics that make me look thin. i am the best at fucking posing for maximum thinness and hotness. when in reality my ass and thighs should probably have their own zip code.
i mention weight loss in the same post as resolutions because i bet 99% of the world today is losing weight for their new years resolution (at least 99% of the magazines in the stores are talking about weight loss and how to lose weight quickly and all for women, cause men are perfect, even if they're fat). well it isn't a resolution for me. it's a necessity for my sanity and confidence. 20 pounds is my goal. no, it's not a lot. but it's a lot on me. and they're going to be hard to lose. the first 10 might not be, but those last 10 are going to fight me every ounce of the way.
but what i'm going to do- the eating thing. it's just a way of life change. it's not something i plan on doing for a little while and then return to "normal" just to gain it all back. in all reality, i kind of already eat like this anyway, so it shouldn't be too difficult to get a little more hardcore. the cutting back on the sweets and crap will be the hardest part for me. i'm not cutting them out completely. i'm not about denial. i need to learn how to be better at portion control, instead of controlling all of the portions into my mouth before someone else gets them first.
once i lose some weight purely from eating better, i'm going to start working out again. the p90x is really an ass kicker, but i swear that thing was making me thicker. i still recommend it and think it's an amazing work out, but mentally, i'm not ready for it again. they are LONG and intense workouts. i like them. a lot. but i need a bit of an intensity break.
so yeah. i just wanted to let you all know that i'm starting now. i really should post before, during and after pics. not sure i'm brave enough in all honesty to get that real. but that might be exactly what i need.
to all of you who do make resolutions, good luck. lol