Thursday, October 30, 2008

listen, i have a blog....

blake still does not know what he wants to be for halloween.
okay, he kind of wants to be a zombie. the day before halloween and i'm scrambling to find stupid ass makeup and gross things so he can look dead. just what i want to picture. my only child dressed up as a dead person.

moving on. keep those questions coming! i'll answer them soon! they are awesome and funny and you guys rock.

want to hear the random dream that i had last night? lindsay lohan was performing on a cruise that boyfriend and i were on. she was horrible and she was lip synching and even that was bad. so i walked out of her "performance" and she chased me and was like "my mom is my manager and she MADE me do this! they gave me $1 million dollars to perform and she signed me up, and then i can't say no. i have to do whatever deals she agrees too."

to which i responded with, "your mom is awful. wow, truly horrific and selfish and mean. listen, i know this is going to sound stupid and weird, but i have a blog. and i'll write about it on there. i know that sounds dumb, but i have thousands of readers so this will get the word out."

HA! THOUSANDS of readers my ass.
witch face bokeh

RIP sign

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

it's time for ask jennster!

okay you guys.. i love this. i don't know if you love it as much as i do (maybe i just really like talking about myself), but we're doing this thing!!!!!

i'm ready to answer your questions! you have questions, i have answers! i am fairly confident in saying that i'll answer anything you ask. i think. i may regret that at some point, but i'll make sure to tell you. ha! you can post a question for me in comments, or if you want to keep your question more private, you can email it to me here.

ready?! GO!!!!!!!



(yes, this is really an easy way to get out of a post that requires actual thought and intelligence and creativity. this way i put all of that on you. see, it's like being a manager. i'm delegating.)

ps- no, my head didn't explode. although this picture is not the best proof of that fact. taken yesterday. in la. in a mustang.
half a ster

Monday, October 27, 2008

the worst part about being sick

when it's like 80 degrees out on the weekend?

IS THAT YOU'RE SICK WHEN IT'S ACTUALLY WARM OUT ON A WEEKEND AND THAT IS YOUR DAY OFF AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING AND DOING FUN SHIT, BUT INSTEAD ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS LIE DOWN BECAUSE YOUR HEAD FEELS LIKE IT IS GOING TO EXPLODE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND LEAVE A HUGE MESS (THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN ANYWAY) SO YOU DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STOP YOUR HEAD FROM EXPLODING (AND MAKING THE MESS THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN) AND THAT MEANS THAT YOU'RE LYING AROUND ALL DAY INDOORS WHEN WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING IS PLAYING AROUND OUTSIDE (BECAUSE REMEMBER, IT'S WARM OUT!!)!!!!!!!

i hate being sick. it sucks. i feel awful. and i have to go to la for work tomorrow. on a plane. where my head probably will explode. but i bet i won't have to clean that one up.


ps- happy birthday to my sister. who is not sick, mind you.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

omfg!

holy fucking shit.

sorry, but OH MY GOD.

blake had a project due and he wanted to make a video. in order for the class to see the video, we had to put it on a flash drive.

so of course i dig through my blogher 2008 goody bag to find one of the flash drives i was given. i gave one to boyfriend to put blake's project on.

okay. do you know what was on there!??? KY INTRIGUE PROMO AND PICTURES! like these!!!!!!!!!!!! thank the freaking goddess that boyfriend checked what was on the damn thing before loading it up! cause knowing me, i wouldnt' have even thought about it and i would have just added blake's video to it! all done! here you go blake.... off to school with you little boy.









could you imagine the teacher putting that in his computer to show the class and then the KY freaking intrigue would have shown up??! omg. LOL.. do you think i would have gotten a call from the school?! could you imagine the teacher's face?!?! holy crap! i can't stop laughing. lol


best mom ever, right here folks!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

i love cemeteries

i know that sounds freaking weird, but it's true. what other place is filled with so much love and constant care? anytime i drive by a cemetery or go visit a friend i've lost, i'm always awe-struck by the beauty of my surroundings. how many colorful flowers and unbelievable plants are all around me. it truly is a beautiful thing. (random side note- bonaventure cemetery in savannah georgia has got to be one of the most stunning cemeteries i've ever seen in my life)

ever seen a cemetery at christmas time? oh my gosh- talk about unbelievable! people line the plots with candy canes and tinsel. mini decorated christmas trees sit next to headstones. so much time and love was put into decorating their loved ones place of rest, it's truly heartwarming. and so pretty. and you can't help but feel good when you look around and see all of that. and that's just it... each person buried there has someone who loves and cares about them. and it shows. all around you.

yesterday i went to visit a dear, dear friend of mine who was killed by a somewhat drunk driver almost 11 years ago (my god, has it really almost been 11 years? i can't believe it). there was an older man not too far away from where she was buried. he was sitting in a lawn chair. and he sat and talked to the ground. there was something on his lap, but i'm not quite sure what it was- although i swear it was a bag of peanuts and he was just chilling and eating his nuts. he watched me talk to michelle. he watched me lay the flowers i brought on the top of her gravestone. he watched me arrange them. and then arrange them again. and then do it one more time so it looked nicer. he watched me lie on the grass next to her and stare at the sky. and i watched him too.

i wanted so badly to go talk to him. i assumed he was spending time with his late wife. i couldn't help but wonder how often he came there? and then i wondered how long he would typically stay? i mean, he brought his own chair with him (which i thought was awesome and of course, it made me cry). i wanted to talk to him. i wanted to hear his story. i wanted to hear all of it. but i didn't. because it is a cemetery after all. and people are grieving. and how do you respectfully walk up to a stranger and hug him and then tell him to tell you everything? i wimped out and i KNEW as i was leaving that i would regret not talking to him. and i totally do. all i can do now is hope that the next time i go there, i'll get a second chance to have that conversation.

(i did sneak a picture of him- which is so not respectful of me, i know, but i couldn't resist. he was too awesome. i wonder if he knows whoever he was talking to was definitely listening. do you see that big glow in the picture?!?!?)

man at cemetery

michelle grave

Monday, October 20, 2008

welcome to the big leagues!

we played a tournament this past weekend at one of the big league dreams locations. the idea behind it is that each baseball field is a replica of a major league ball park. so there's fenway, and wrigley and yankee stadium. it's a super cute idea and cool for the kids.

of course the first thing i fucking do when i'm there is look around and think "how can i get one of these built closer to where we live?" and then i usually start thinking in my head (or i say it out loud to anyone who will listen) ways that i could improve on the idea. i kind of feel like if you're going to spend the money to make replica ballparks, go a little more out of the way. instead of a painted brick wall with painted ivy- why not build a brick wall with real ivy? i know that sounds lame, but come on! bring it! make it even MORE awesome!!! and instead of having the entire outfield where all the detail of the replica ballpark lives, being a painted piece of wood.. i totally want rows of bleachers out there! i think that would be fun! but what the hell do i know? ha.. also, have i mentioned the shade issue? how there is virtually none? shade people. and misters. like the misters that spray water when you're in certain lines for rides at amusement parks. right. those.

angel stadium was the coolest though! it had a replica rock formation in the back and i thought that was awesome and totally added character to the field, which is probably why i wanted more actual real detail in the rest of the fields! anyway, i love the idea. i think it's neat. the kids think it's cool. and now i want one in my backyard.

polo grounds

wrigley field of dreams

angel stadium

yankee stadium

Friday, October 17, 2008

when you have to leave the place you love

a friend of mine called me last night and when i picked up the phone, she yelled into my ear something like, "were you angry when you packed to move from so cal to nor cal?" and i was like, "wha? was i what? ANGRY?" and then she continued with, "yeah. ANGRY! were you angry? cause i'm fucking pissed right now!!"

i got off the phone with her because i couldn't have a conversation about how it felt to leave LA with blake sitting right there. and also, i didn't want boyfriend to walk in while i was talking about it, cause really- it's hard enough. but i thought about it all night. literally. from the moment i hung up the phone with her, until i finally fell asleep (and dreamt about sharks biting off parts of my arm and boyfriend not caring and running away while i got chomped. fucker.).

the initial plan after being proposed too was that blake and i would move up north in a year. i had it all planned out because i wanted to experience everything "a last time" and i wanted to spend my time really just doing all things LA and getting the most out of it knowing i would be leaving. i think mentally, i needed the prep time. i needed to enjoy, see and experience everything in a way that only knowing you won't be seeing them everyday for awhile can afford you. but quickly after miss sparkles was on my finger, there were department changes at work, the condo i was renting got sold, and what was supposed to be a little over a year, turned into a little under 2 months. there were so many other things to look into like- what city would we live in, and then finding a place to live in that city, a new school for blake, a new daycare for blake, baseball for blake, football for blake, and a job for me... that i didn't really have the time to get angry. i felt like i barely had time to pack, let alone sit there and process any emotions i was supposed to be going through.

the one feeling i did have however, was sadness. i was so fucking sad to be leaving. i didn't want to leave my sister, and my niece and nephew. i didn't want to leave malibu and the beaches, dodger stadium and disneyland. i know that probably sounds so stupid to you, but when those places are a regular part of your life- it's really hard to imagine having to live without them. and i do have to live without them- all of those things. the beaches up here suck. and there are giants fans everywhere. it's really quite disturbing and goes against everything i believe in, you know. anytime i wear a dodgers hat, i get hassled. i get tired of saying "i'm from la, so fuck off."

but really- i was sad. and three years later, i still am. so i don't know why my girlfriend wants to talk to me about this stuff, cause in all honesty, i don't think i'm the right person to talk to about it. at least not if you want to feel better.. haha. but really, my emotions on the subject haven't faded with time. i miss my family. i miss my hometown. i miss la. i miss malibu. i fucking miss dodger stadium and i miss disneyland in a ridiculous way (it would be all done up for halloween now and it's so cool!!). i miss pony ball (yes, little league can suck it, but truly, thank the goddess for our travel ball team). i miss the entertainment industry and hollywood. i miss going out in hollywood. being in the entertainment industry in northern california just isn't the same. i just miss things. and places. and the weather. and the atmosphere. and everything that all you southern california haters, HATE- i love. and i miss. everyday.

it's hard. and i don't know what to tell my girlfriend, really. i can tell her however, that i don't think i was ever truly angry. frustrated at times? definitely. but not angry. so i'm hoping that her anger will fade and she won't always feel that way. i think anger isn't an emotion that stays around forever. at least i hope not. i would never wish that for her, or anyone. maybe it's just her initial reaction to actually packing up for the move? the reality of it all is starting to hit and maybe for her, it's coming out as anger first. for me though, it was more of an intense sadness. the kind that was very aware of what exactly would be missed and just how deeply. the kind that recognized that this was going to be something i would never be able to just "get over." the kind that has found a place inside me to live. it's that deep. it's truly that painful. and all i can say is that i hope it's not how she feels. cause i would never wish this feeling on anyone (not even my husband if we move back to la - i would never want him to feel this way- it would break my heart.).

the worst part? you can't make the feeling go away. you have to live with it being a part of you. and you're extremely aware that it's there. because it hurts. like physically causes you pain if you let it. sometimes i wonder if i would have moved someplace that i really loved and enjoyed, then maybe i wouldn't feel this way? i mean, i think i would be sad and miss things about so cal, but maybe it wouldn't be this intense? cause i find it hard to believe that the only place i'll ever truly be happy is in LA... but maybe that is the truth of it? i don't know... i really don't know..

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

the post where boyfriend wins

last night in bed boyfriend was like "you don't blog about me anymore.." or something like that. which of course made the song "you don't sing me luuuuuuv songs.. aneeeeeee mooooooore.." pop into my head. so then i sang it out loud to boyfriend but i changed the lyrics a bit to be more, you know, appropriate... "you don't write me blog posts.... aneeee mooooooore.."

so then i asked him what the hell he's done lately that i should be blogging about? and he responded with "i dunno." great. great blog fodder buddy. i think he wants me to tell you all that for the past 5 days he has been ripping apart the backyard. cause he has. and he rented an excavator. which is not to be confused with an escalator, cause heaven forbid you wear pants too long and you stay on that thing all the way to the tippy top and then you don't step up and your pant leg gets caught in the escalator re-router part thingy and you die. right, he didn't rent one of those. he rented an excavator. and he's been excavating things left and right. he looks hot (and funny) on the stupid thing. so there. now i've told you what he's been doing. and i think that's all he wanted. recognition for doing manly work? but really, what's the point when you don't have pictures? am i right? of course i'm right. so there are no pictures to go with this post about how manly and excavatey boyfriend is. this post is already loading up to be quite the winner.

so boyfriend wins. here is a post about him. i hope he's happy. maybe if he started showering me with diamonds, or bought me really extravagant things, i could braggily post about them on this here blog. but that would be obnoxious, no? yeah. it would. and he's really not the type to do that kinda shit. and maybe i'm really not the type to want that kinda stuff. ha. who am i fooling?

i'm done now. gratuitous boyfriend blog post is now officially over. commence normal, more entertaining life now. thanks.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

when did sunday's become the official day of suck?

i mean really? what happened to sunday's and actually enjoying them? is that just for kids? because my sunday's really tend to suck ass.

first of all, sunday already half sucks because you have to go to work the next day. so right there the day is half shot. you can't stay up as late as you want and sleep in until noon. you know? *sighs* sunday for me is nothing but a bunch of chores. i feel like i do laundry from the moment i wake up until i go to sleep. i clean the house. i vacuum (with my dyson that i love so much it hurts me inside). i go grocery shopping. i feel like i never sit down. and every sunday is the same way. well, unless we're at a baseball tournament, then i have to do all that stuff once we get home.

it's just weird how unenjoyable sunday's have become. day of rest my ass. sunday's suck. you know it. i know it. everyone knows it. sunday's can suck it.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

do the carpets match the drapes?

i bet i know what you think this post is about! ha! well, it's not. what is about is the new wd-40 spot shot carpet cleaner. how come whenever i see wd-40 i think of cars? no really? they are a car product right? aren't they, or am i just more crazy than usual?

regardless, this stuff is the bomb! i wanted to try this product because when we moved into our house, the carpet downstairs was icky. and after we got all of our under the house work done, the workers had trampled all over the icky carpet and made even ickier. there are mud spots and stains all over the place down there. i figured that was where i wanted to try this product the most- cause we all know that it isn't THAT difficult to get out fresh stains, you know? (speaking of fresh stains, blake spilled some dippin dots all over the carpet. they were flourescent blue and pink and i had fucking blue dots all over the place. the wd-40 spot shot took them RIGHT out. it's like they were never there).

so i went to work downstairs- working on stains that i know have at least been on that carpet for 9 months (but most likely more). i sprayed and scrubbed. sprayed and scrubbed. sprayed and scrubbed. the stains almost came all the way out. see my before and after pics below.
stain before stain after


stain2 before stain2 after

if i had one complaint about this product- it would be that it left my carpet cleaner than it was. all the spots of carpet that i cleaned made the non-stained parts brighter, cleaner and now the rest of the carpet looks like crap! HA! that's not a bad complaint if you ask me. :) do you think it would be wrong to pour the entire bottle all over the carpet and attempt to scrub the whole thing?
and yes, this is just one of many ways i spend my sunday. more on that later...
this post brought to you by my awesomely stained carpet, and mom central.

Friday, October 10, 2008

bloggers who can do no wrong

a conversation i am having elsewhere in blogland has inspired this post. it's about other bloggers and their "fans." fans? that's kind of a crappy word cause it makes it seem as though you are less than the person whose blog you enjoy reading.

anyway, when you really like a blogger and their blog- do you feel it necessary to agree with everything they write? support them no matter what? and when they do write something completely fucked up, and you know it's completely fucked up- do you comment and agree with them, or do you say nothing? or do you dare break all the unspoken rules of blogland and call them out on it and publicly disagree with them?

it's an interesting question really because some of the bloggers out there who have this really crazed like following can do no wrong by these people. they could blog about eating babies and someone would comment about how healthy it is. or how at least it's all natural. you know? and i kind of don't get it. because would you behave like that (or do you) in real life? if your friend is doing something crazy, don't you tell them? or do you pat them on the back and tell them that the crazy shit is totally funny and awesome and to carry on- hell, do it more!?! i just don't get why blogging is any different? do you?

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

the titanic notebook

so at some point during my 4 days alone, both the titanic and the notebook were on tv. being the total and complete sucker that i am, i watched parts of both of them. before i knew it, i was actually sitting through the commercials to watch them (you know, instead of grabbing the dvd's and watching). no one said i was smart.

i'm a total sucker for these movies. now i know that there are people who hated titanic. they thought it was a titanic piece of crap. but i fucking loved that movie. i was pregnant with blake when it was in the theaters and holy shit if i didn't PAY to go see it 10 times. i am so.not.kidding. TEN times! james cameron should have sent me an award. or jack dawson. or something.

and the notebook? i don't know anyone who didn't like that movie. at least not anyone with a heart. i'm pathetic, i know. but i think that what i love about these movies is the type of love story (dur jenn). like- the kind of love where it's the guy who is head over heels for the girl. the guy who would do (and does) anything for her. the type of guy who never gets over his one true love. he always keeps his promise... he follows through on his word... he fights for her... breaks the rules to be with her... shows her how much he cares with actions and not just pretty words...

i'm sappy, it's true. but tell me that this video of rachel mcadams and ryan gosling winning for best kiss at the mtv awards isn't the BEST THING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!! i never get sick of seeing this. it's fucking hot. i want the two of them to get married and make babies and stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTLDLWhgV1c

Monday, October 06, 2008

sometimes, you've just got nothin'

and this folks, is one of those times. i know i shouldn't post at all if i really don't have much to say, but i'm more of a babbler, than a non-speaker face, so screw that!

in the spirit of not having much to say, i'll tell you that i should have done p90x yoga today but i really, really didn't want too. and then when i convinced myself that i absolutely should do it- i couldn't find anyone who had the dvd. so when i took my sign from god that i shouldn't work out, i decided to post this blog about nothing. just call me the seinfeld of blogs. you know, only less funny and entertaining.

how come whenever i do get the rare opportunity to sit at the house by myself for a weekend and do absolutely nothing if i want too- i can't bring myself to just sit there and do absolutely nothing? i cleaned. i did laundry. i organized. i rearranged. i bought new side tables for the living room (which totally kick ass mind you). i ran around town like a crazy person for hours running from store to store. i did everything BUT sit around on my fat ass and veg out. apparently, i don't relax well. i'm not sure i know how when there are about a million other things that need to get done. and those million things won't get done if i don't do them. ugh. sometimes i hate being the pyscho organized girl in the relationship.

maybe i'm just psycho? whatever, i'm still fun at parties.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

what it's like in our bedroom

boyfriend: i'm so happy you don't piss me off.

me: huh? what are you talking about?

boyfriend: like i never get really mad at you. you don't do shit that makes me mad, you know.?

me: oh. well i'll definitely try harder then.

boyfriend: *insert a ridiculous amount of super sweet and thoughtful compliments here*

me: you just want a blow job don't you?

Friday, October 03, 2008

let's nerd out together, shall we?

i don't know about you, but i'm pretty excited for the star wars clone wars cartoon series tonight!!!!!

i know this is probably the nerdiest post i've ever written, but i'm cool with that. tonight at 9pm you can probably guarantee that i'll be on my couch watching cartoon network. okay actually, that's a lie. boyfriend is out of town and blake is with his dad, so really- i won't be on my couch watching the show. but i am dvr'ing it! and then that way i can watch it with blake when he gets home! and then you can probably guarantee that every friday night i do have blake, we'll be on the couch watching the show!

listen, if you hated the movie, i promise you that the show is 100 times better. i promise you that this show is unlike anything you've ever seen cartoon-wise on television. this is no jimmy neutron (although i loved that little guy)... this is no spongebob.. i totally think of this show more along the lines of how i felt about alias (remember that show on ABC). i felt like alias was like a total kick ass action movie squeezed into an hour each week. i think clone wars is like that. it's a mini movie each week! and i can't wait!!!!!

what about you? your kids? your husband? lol

Thursday, October 02, 2008

hi, i'm a function drink whore

good lord people... ever since i actually found a place up here where they sell function drinks, i've turned into

A- their biggest unpaid spokesperson and
B- their biggest whore.

oh, you don't know what i'm talking about? you don't know function? well FIND IT! i'm not kidding. these drinks are awesome!! and just because i know the people who made them and just because i'm helping them get richer and richer everyday by opening my big fat mouth about them, doesn't mean that you shouldn't try them! if i didn't believe in the product, or think it was awesome, i wouldn't even waste my time telling you about them. and oh yeah, i don't know about you, but i'm really concerned about how much sugar and carbs are in the things i eat and drink. the drinks are all pretty much 12 grams each. and i figure that's ok.
function is a line of drinks that has good stuff in it. i guess it's like vitamin water, but way better! for example, after i work out (you know, do the p90x stuff that almost kills me), i drink function shock sports. it has stuff in it for muscle recovery and joints so that you won't be as sore as you would normally. all i know is it's good, i'm not super sore, and i love the stuff! after every workout, i drink one of these!

they have many other types of drinks- all there to help you. did you read that? the drinks are there to DO STUFF FOR YOU (hey drink, do stuff to this!) the drinks work for you. have a hangover?? then you drink urban detox. it helps rid your lungs and stuff of pollutants in the air- but it also helps your hangover. see? i'm telling you! these drinks kick ass!!!!


what else is there you ask? what other flavors do i like? well right this very instant i'm drinking an alternative energy. it's my first time trying this kind. and well, it's good! it's not like a rockstar type drink where you get this rush of energy right away and then it's gone. it has ingredients in it that give you an energy boost for hours. um.. i also really like brainiac! it's supposed to help your mental clarity and your mood, and basically i just think it tastes good (and the fact that it's good for you is just a bonus). i like to drink one in the morning instead of a suckbucks- way less calories, and probably better for me (not to mention cheaper)!

oooh, the one drink i really want to try, but can't freaking find anywhere is the light weight one. it's supposed to help ignite your metabolism and do good stuff. i want that sucker! but so far, no luck!

i know what you're thinking. they must be paying me to write this, right? they aren't. i just really, really like these drinks. and yes, since they're my friends- i really care about the success of their business. but like i said earlier, the drinks are really good. i really like the product. and since they're somewhat new to the marketplace, i want to help them get the word out! i know how powerful word of mouth is, and how much we listen to eachother in blogland. so i figured if i told you about the drinks, you might try them! and since i included pictures, you now know what to look for (aren't the labels awesome? seriously, i love them)!!!! you might want to know where i found them in my area- whole foods (aka whole paycheck) and target! also, some weird alternative energy store, but whatever. each store carried different flavors that the other stores didn't carry (except no light weight dammit!)... alright i'm shutting up.


couple questions for you (and any questions you have for me about the drinks just ask me in the comments and i'll answer back!)- do you drink drinks like this normally? have you ever seen these drinks, or have you tried them yet? if so, what do you think about them?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

what i learned from my parents divorce

my dad leaving my mom for another woman has definitely fucked me up in more ways than one. i know i've talked about all of this before, but it's not something that just goes away. it's not like you just forget it happened and casually move on. it just kind of lingers in the back of your head. and while there are times i don't let it in, there are times when i can't keep it out.

i realize how much my dad choosing to leave my mom when he did has affected my own marriage. i mean, my parents were a couple of years away from retiring when he left. and while my dad has apparently retired, my mom is still busting her ass everyday because now that he left her, she can't retire. she has to continue to work. she feels as if she doesn't have a choice financially.

a couple of years away from retirement. don't you think that if you've made it that far along together in life, you're marriage is probably pretty secure? wouldn't you think that all the potential cheating and leaving would have happened already, if it was going to happen at all? it has just made me feel like no matter what your age, or how many years you've been married, you can still lose it all. he can still walk away from the life you've built. he can still decide after all you've been through, and all you've already forgiven him for, that you're not enough for him. he can still leave. and while i type that- the "he can still leave" line, my hands are shaking and my eyes are welling up with tears. because i project to my own marriage. my own life. my own husband. and i hate that i feel like that. i hate that i think this way. but it's true. nothing is ever 100% secure. no one is guaranteed to stand by your side or stay with you forever. there are no guarantees in life. just because you're married and about to retire, doesn't mean that he won't find some stupid fucking cuntrag of a whore to leave you for. and just because you think that you're perfectly happy and you have all these retirement plans, doesn't mean he won't leave you for said whore, marry her stupid ass, and then live out those plans with her, instead of with you.

and fuck. that is in the back of my head. no matter how many times i tell myself that my husband is not my father. no matter how many times i try to convince myself- there is still the lingering feeling of "well, he is still a MAN..." as if that characteristic alone is enough to make him want to get up and leave one day. and then there's the issue of other women. you know, knowing how they are. knowing that there are those women out there who don't care if your husband is married or not. knowing that we, as women, know how easy it is to manipulate a man if we want too. knowing that my husband is strong enough, and respectable enough to tell them to fuck off. for now. but what happens if 10 years down the road, he's not getting what he wants from me, and he's frustrated, and someone comes along promising to fulfil his every desire and dream? what then? i know he loves how sassy and what a pain in the ass i am... now. but what if one day he's sick of my fucking attitude? what if one day he wants me to just appease him? HA.. that line made me laugh cause it's never going to happen.

listen, i don't want to live my life or my marriage scared. i don't want to project my fears onto my own marriage, but it's really, really hard. i truly feel that since my parents were at the age they were when he left, i'll NEVER feel secure. like i'll never 100% believe that boyfriend will never leave. it's like i will always be aware that it could happen at any time. he could leave at any time. he could find someone else he loves more than me, at any time. he could get up, walk away from everything we have together and go live his life with someone else....

i don't know how to make those feelings go away. i don't know how to push them out of my head completely. i'm not sure yet how to live my own marriage without having my parents marriage affect me. do you?