Thursday, May 29, 2008

countdown to new york!!!

i can't believe i haven't talked about this at all! for the past year i 've been planning a trip to new york for blake's birthday. he turns the big double digits next month (the is the big 1-0 for all everyone i just lost when i said double digits), and with this being the last season that the yankees will play at historic yankee stadium before it gets torn down (don't get me started on that one!!!!!!!!!!) i figured it was the perfect trip!!!!

we're going to a yankee game (thanks to our awesome friends who will be playing on the opposing team, we're going to have kick ass seats), central park, the statue of liberty, fao schwartz, the museum of natural history, the empire state building, times square, and wherever blake thinks he needs to go while we're there! i am SO excited to be able to take him there. i am SO excited that he will get to see a game at the real yankee stadium. all that history. it's legendary. and he gets to see it before it's gone.

say it with me, i am the coolest mom. :)

ps- what is your most memorable birthday? does one stand out over all the rest?

pss- i'm an idiot and forgot the best part.. IT'S A SURPRISE!!!! blake doesn't know and we're not telling him until we get on the plane and head off! isn't that even more awesome???

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

since i've offended every little league parent out there

let me continue with my rant from yesterday to CLARIFY, hopefully more eloquently, than my prior emotional and riled up state.

i want to make it very clear that i feel like little league serves a purpose. i do. there is a true need for baseball in the form of little league. every child should have the right to play baseball if they want too. and they shouldn't have to be amazing players to play it either. if a kid wants to play baseball for the first time in his life at age 11, he should be able too. there should be a place for that. i don't think little league should be abolished, or shut down, or any over the top crap like that. every child should have the right to play baseball in a fun atmostphere if they so choose.

but on that same token, the same children should have the right to play baseball in a competitive, more serious environment, if they so choose. where i believe that little league serves a purpose, i also believe that leagues like pony ball do as well. my frustration stems mostly from the fact that we don't have that option where we currently live. it's little league or no baseball. i know for a fact that many of the little league coaches are frustrated as well, but it's beyond their control. it's no one's fault, it's just the way it is.

and with that, i'm done.

i will say that i am super pysched for the traveling ball club. i love that the coaches are hard, they yell, and they coach tough. they are my saving grace. as long as blake gets to stay on the team that is. *crosses fingers*

he looks good in dark blue, no? :)
blake2

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

i am so angry

so, so angry. i am also emotionally exhausted. (please bear in mind that this post is going to be pretty harsh because i am really upset, mad, sad, frustrated, heartbroken, DISAPPOINTED, etc)

i have been saying since we moved up here how crappy the baseball is. how little league is totally pathetic. how it's a complete joke and it's not teaching the boys how to play real baseball. everyone just writes me off like i'm some crazy pyscho baseball mom. they.don't.get.it. they just don't fucking get it.

when blake and i moved up here i was horrified when we attended our first little league meeting. horrified because i had no idea that little league was so vastly different than what blake had been playing in southern cali (pony ball). when we went to the first game, i almost died. i couldn't believe that this is what i moved my kid too. i couldn't believe that at 7 years old, he was playing the exact same baseball that he was playing when he was 5. i was TAKING HIM BACKWARDS! instead of putting him where things were competitive, blake was in a holding pattern. not learning a damn thing. and it's this type of experience that has continued the entire time we've been in little league.

i have often expressed how unfair i think it is for the kids who are like blake, to have to play in this type of atmosphere. because the rest of the team isn't as good as they are. half the kids still can't catch the damn ball. at 9 years old, you should be able to catch. you should be able to throw from shortstop to first base. but some still can't. and how is that fair to kids like blake, and those better than him? it's not. they don't learn anything. and they most certainly don't get better. and that is where my biggest problem lies. my kid is in atmosphere where he is NOT becoming a better baseball player.

this past weekend, we played against pony ball teams, and traveling teams, who are made up of all good players. it's the type of baseball i have been longing for since we moved up here. but holy fuck, was it ever a wake up call. and now i'm more mad than ever. fuming. i am mad at little league. i'm mad that there is no other baseball up here to choose from. i'm mad that if you're ONLY going to have little league to play, it should be better. it should be different. it needs to be fixed. it needs SOMETHING. because it's wrong. it isn't baseball. it just isn't.

you see, blake is a good player. and that's the bottom line. he's good, but he's not great. but in little league, he's amazing. and it's created this total false sense of awesome-ness for him, and the other players like him. they look like they are incredible ball players because they are surrounded by mediocrity. but the truth is, THEY ARE NOT INCREDIBLE BALL PLAYERS. they aren't. none of them. and they have no fucking idea. and i'm so mad about that. i'm just so mad about all of it. how dare you give my kid the impression that he is some amazing exception to all ballplayers out there, when the truth is that he's not. and then how do you change that? how do you tell your kid he is nowhere near as awesome as he thinks he is? how do you make him get it? how do you unteach what has been implied for as long as he can remember?

blake hasn't been coached properly in three years. and it has never been more apparent than this past weekend.... when he was playing certain positions and he was unsure of where to go and what to do. he knows where to throw the ball, but i mean some of the basics of where and when exactly to back up, what base to cover for a bunt, etc. he doesn't know these things because he has NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THEM. no one has coached him. and it's true. i'm not being crazy. i'm not exaggerating. the coaches don't coach. they coddle. they pat the kids who suck on the ass and tell them everything will be okay, while leaving the kids who seem "great" alone. they already know how to field ground balls, and hit, so they don't need the help. but the thing is- they do. they always do. they can always be better. and blake isn't getting that up here.

and it is killing me.

those of you who don't have kids won't really understand this. and those of you who don't have kids who really love a sport might not get this either. you might think i'm kinda nutso. and i totally understand that. cause when i was younger and i would hear my sister talk about my nephew and baseball, i thought she was crazy. but once blake started playing, i totally got it. it all made sense. she wasn't crazy at all. she wasn't obsessed. she just wanted the best for him. because he loved the sport so much. and he was naturally talented at it. and that's where i am. blake has the natural talent, but that talent only takes you so far. you have to be taught. you have to work hard. you can't be told you're the best for years when you're really nowhere close. you have to be challenged. you can't get better or grow as a player if you aren't challenged. and i falsely bought into some of it as well. i always realized that some of the kids blake played with weren't as good as he was. i always knew that he was one of the "best" by default. but there was still a part of me that thought differently. and i should have known better. he was never the best in pony ball. he was good. one of the better players on the team, but never the best. but he was always challenged. and always pushed to be better. and taught. he learned baseball in pony ball. and he's not learning it here.

i want what is best for my child. i want the best baseball for him. and he's not getting it. and it's not in little league. and my heart is breaking. because i feel like i am just totally fucking him up. and i am not giving him what he needs to be a great baseball player. and it's not fair. it's not fair to him at all. he deserves better. he deserves more. it's the one thing he loves. it's the one thing that's his. he tells me, "baseball is my thing, mom." and it is. but for how long at this rate? seriously? how long can baseball continue to be his thing when he doesn't get any better, yet is constantly told how great he is? reality is a rude wakeup call.

thank the goddess for this traveling team. if they played all the time, year round, i'd quit little league in a heartbeat. and i wouldn't think twice about it. i don't feel like i owe little league a thing (not talking about the people we've met in little league cause i love the hell out of some of those parents and kids). but i don't feel like little league has done anything to help blake grow as a ballplayer. and i don't understand how the parents can stand it. but i guess it's because they don't know any different. my sister told me that no one would understand my feelings on this. no one would truly get it because they didn't live it. it's because i know how much better there is out there that this just isn't okay. it's because blake has played better ball. it's because i know what he's supposed to be playing. and it's true. i'm sure that if i hadn't lived better, i'd probably be somewhat content with little league. but i have lived better. so i'm not. i'm not content at all. i'm fucking mad as hell. and i've got to change something. because i will never forgive myself if i take the one thing blake is good at, and make him mediocre. it's just not okay. none of it. the ones who lose in this are our kids. and how can any parent be okay with that?

edited to add that the root of the problem in my mind are not the coaches, but the way little league is run. i mean the organization as a whole (lord knows i love and adore our little league president and his family). i get what they are about and i feel that there is a place for little league in the world, but i also feel like our kids should have options. they should have the option to play for something better if they want too. and when little league is the only option, the way it is restricting to the kids and the coaches alike, that's when i have a problem with it. i have a problem that our coaches are forced to babysit kids, instead of truly coach and teach the players. i have a problem that the coaches aren't allowed to teach them certain things because it goes against the rules of the little league organization. so please, this is not a personal attack by any means. i'm not pointing fingers at blake's old coaches saying they're the problem here. the problem lies deeper than that. and if i'm the only one who sees it, then consider yourself lucky. cause this is the type of shit that keeps me up at night crying.

Monday, May 26, 2008

foot, meet mouth

we just got back from the tournament. i learned a few things this past weekend:

  • blake is nowhere as good as he thinks he is
  • blake is nowhere as good as I think he is
  • blake is a standout in little league
    - little league is a JOKE.
  • i miss so cal more than ever

i have lots more to say, but i can't write it at this point without crying. more to come..

Friday, May 23, 2008

he is so lucky that i love baseball this much

he, being that kid of mine. i don't think i have expressed enough publicly just how much this child of mine loves baseball.

he pitches
pitching

he catches (omg, how to make your child sound gay in 4 words or less)
he catches..

he hits like a rockstar
blake at bat

..and i don't think i've mentioned enough publicly how much i love baseball. i.love.it (go dodgers). always have. always will.

the best part? it is so much fun to watch this kid play baseball. the way his mind works. he is completely on top of things before he makes any decision. he knows who is playing what position, and if they can catch the bullet he's going to throw at them or not. he is fully aware of how much the pitcher is paying attention to him when he's on the bases. if he's not giving blake his full attention, well, blake's going to steal. cause he's quick. and cause he can.

in a word, it's awesome. he's awesome. and fun.

this weekend is our first travel ball tournament. i'm so excited because A- i could spend my life at the ballfield watching this kid play baseball and i'd be perfectly happy... and B- because these kids are going to be good. this tournament is going to be TOUGH. and we've been lacking good, solid competition since we moved up here from LA. i've been longing for kids who are as good as blake is (and better) to play against. i'm psyched. truly. i can't wait to have blake playing against kids who are better than he is. i like blake to be challenged on the ball field (something he hasn't truly been since moving up here. at least not consistantly). so i'm really excited. and blake is too-

here's to a super fun weekend with lots of sun, nachos, and seeds!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

yesterday..

i saw ashley tisdale. she looks exactly like she does on tv. she was adorable. i wanted to squeeze her and play with her fake hair. she is pretty tall though (surprising for most actresses) and SUPER skinny (not surprising).

know who else i saw? brian bloom. rememeber him? of course i was a total jackass and asked him if he was someone else. he was totally nice about it though. then i noticed his eyes. and i thought to myself, "i think that's brian bloom." and it was. and i don't really even know how i knew that. because i don't remember being all ga-ga over him when i was younger (that was reserved solely for joey mcintyre) and i can't even think of a tv show or movie he was ever in. but apparently, i remember his eyes.

in other news, the housekeeper is a GO. hell to the yes.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

i'm a crappy wife...

i think that good wives probably work all day (either outside the home, or in), cook dinner for their family, clean up after their family, do the laundry when it needs to be done, clean the entire house, etc.. and they probably do it with a smile- and without complaints.

which is why i'm obviously not a good wife. because this shit pisses me off. i get so annoyed and so frustrated when i get home from work after 7 o'clock at night and find the house a freaking disaster area. i get so mad when i walk into the kitchen and the level of filth in it disgusts me. (seriously, how hard is it to wipe off a fucking countertop??? apparently, it's totally.fucking. difficult) so i clean. and then i'm pissed off that i'm cleaning. because the entire time i'm wondering why the hell I'M the one who is doing the scrubbing when i literally JUST WALKED THROUGH THE DAMN DOOR. and listen, i've posted about all of this before. how boyfriend just sees things differently than i do. i see disgusting filth, and he doesn't even notice. but where is the compromise? i let the filth sit and don't demand that it get cleaned up RIGHT NOW, but it's not like he will ever clean it. he'll let it sit there... forever.... until it becomes something that can probably live and breathe and take over the whole house.

i have tried to protest in my own mind. you know, i tell myself that i'm not cleaning. i'm not wiping the coffee stains off the counter anymore. i'm not wiping the grease and grime off of the stove from his dinner the other night. i'll just let everything sit there and he'll be so disgusted that he'll have to clean at some point. but that point never seems to come. so when i finally do breakdown and clean, i'm all pissy about it.

so mind protesting doesn't work. because in the end it solves nothing. hmph.

the best part? boyfriend wants love, affection and praise when he puts the dishes away and takes the trash out. like, aren't i the best husband in the world and isn't your life that much more awesome because i took the trash out without you having to ask me too? and part of me is thankful that he did those things and does think he's totally awesome for it, but the other part of me is like "are you fucking kidding me? so what? you put the dishes away and you want a fucking medal? what about everything i do, every single day??? where's my fucking medal? where's my praise? where's my break????"

and i think that's what it's really all about. it's not about the number of times i put away the dishes versus the number of times he does. it's not about how many times i have to shut the fucking cupboard doors after he opens them because apparently he just can't seem to do it. it's not about the fact that if i don't vacuum or dust, no one ever will. it's about the fact that it never seems to be my turn for a break. i'm tired of walking through the door to a house that just has shit everywhere. papers all over, etc. it makes me hate the house. i hate things that are messy, ugly and fucking disgusting and that's what our house is. i just don't want to be the one who has to work this hard at work, and then work this hard at home. where's my relaxation? when is it my turn to sit on the couch for hours at a time and do nothing? where is my break while the house magically cleans itself?????

that's why we need a fucking housekeeper. i'm serious. i want a housekeeper that comes twice a month. (i wish i had a cook, a maid and a landscaper too, but let's not go overboard). i think a housekeeper is the key to my sanity here folks. not to mention boyfriends happiness. cause we all know when mama's happy, the family is happy. and right now mama's a pissy bitch.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

i could have peed from excitement

i attended a work function of sorts today (sometimes work functions = really awesome parties with movie props, celebrities, and foooood). while boyfriend and i were leaving one of the areas with some movie stuff in it, a woman approached me. she said, "do you write a blog?" and i think at that point i got completely stupid, sweaty and overly excited in the way a golden retriever's tail does when it sees you come home from work. you know what i'm talking about. i answered enthusiastically with a "YES!!!"

and then she said, "you're jenn right? jennster?" and i just about died. i wanted to scream YES! I AM JENNSTER!! THAT IS ME!!!! YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! but i tried to refrain from screaming in a perfect strangers face. so she told me that she reads my blog and that i look just like my pictures. i don't think the smile has left my face yet. that was pretty much the coolest thing that happened to me all weekend. i can't explain why it was so fucking cool, but it just was. even boyfriend said when we walked away, "that was awesome." and he meant it.

seriously.

mona, thank you for reading my blog. thank you for coming up to me and telling me that you read my blog. thank you for introducing yourself to me. that SERIOUSLY made my weekend. it was the most awesome thing and you made me feel so good!!!! so thank you again. it was great to meet you and your daughter. i hope you keep reading (and start commenting ha ha).

Friday, May 16, 2008

ah, the gossip bloggers

you know em.. you love em... you hate em.. but you still read em.

look, i read perez hilton and pretty much only perez. i don't read him because i think he's funny... because for the most part i think he's annoying and pretty much a complete asshole. i read him because he always has good pictures, and lots of information. his posts are normally short and to the point. i don't have the time, nor the inclination, to read an entire diatribe on any celebrity gossip, which is why i don't read the other sites (plus they're all pretty much the same).

what is really annoying about these bloggers though, is their obvious desire for fame. at least with perez anyway. he totally wants to be in the public eye. he wants to be "famous." you and i both know he started his blog and says the stuff he says for attention. he wanted attention and fame. and he's getting it. the guy is a complete tool who now has his own fucking tv show, radio show, etc. it's just kind of pathetic.

my advice to the next wannabe out there? start a perez hilton, hilton blog- where you bash on all the shiteous pictures of perez and make fun of him. then you'll be "famous" for talking shit about the other person who talks shit about everyone.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

open letters to those i love-

dearest brother from the same mother,

i realize that you like to call me lots to gossip and talk about these totally awesome big boobied chicks you are dating (which is hilarious by the way), but you have to cut me some slack. i know you somehow think that i am intentionally not answering the phone when you call.... as if i look at the phone and go, "omg, it's my brother. HIDE!!!! wait. don't hide. RUNNNN! no wait. he can't see me. just don't pickup the phone. yes! brilliant!!!!" no matter how many times everyone in our family tells your crazy ass that i am so busy at work, work late almost everynight, am running around like a pyscho for blake's baseball and working on this new dumb house that needs lots of tlc, etc... you somehow think i am conspiring against you and your phone calls. please... for the love of my sanity (what little of it there is left).. stop taking my non answering ways personal. k? really. it's not like i don't call you back ever! i love you and want to talk to you- just not when i can't actually hold a conversation with you. i know, i'm a total bitch. :)
xoxo
your phone hating sister



dear boyfriend (aka husband),

when you tell me that it's "totally hot" that i'm working late and it "turns you on," please don't expect me to be turned on when i get home. i'm fucking tired. and not to mention, hungry.
xoxo
your wife who doesn't like working late dammit



dear lady who birthed me,

i figured that since certain people cannot call you by your proper (not to mention legal) name, i wouldn't either. you will no longer be called "mom." from now on, you will be referred to as the "lady who birthed me" or the "chick who spit me out."
xoxo
the one who was spat


dear gossip girl,

you stole xoxo from me and it's starting to piss me off. i expect royalties.
xoxo
the one who knows that josh schwartz can't think up anything on his own, yet takes credit for it all. christmakah ring a bell?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

field trip fun!

i took yesterday off of work so that i could go with blake and his school on their field trip. we went to the sutter gold mine. we panned for gold, went on a tour of a gold mine (which totally reminded me of the indiana jones ride at disneyland), bought geode's, and shopped downtown at the truly adorable small town of sutter creek. i learned that the mine still has over 2 million dollars worth of gold in it. they want to start mining again soon, but they're trying to figure out if they can continue to mine and have tours while they do it? eeeek. also, the only reason they stopped mining was because the price of gold fell to low to continue to make a profit. it was a truly fun, but exhausting day.


the water for panning.. with the gold man in bokeh

totally my kid

do you see the gold in that quartz drift???
dere's gold in dem dere quartz

our mine guide. he's a 4th generation gold miner.
4th generation gold miner

downtown sutter creek. the american exchange hotels is one of the oldest hotels in california. i think. i could have read the sign wrong.
downtown sutter creek

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sunday, May 11, 2008

i came home to a box on my porch

and it was from my father. i picked it up and carried it inside. my face must have said it all because boyfriend immediately asked, "what's wrong??" i just shrugged my shoulders and said, "this is from my dad."

"i'll get the wine."

in all honesty, i was planning on drinking some wine when i got home from work anyway, but it's far more fun to point fingers and be like, "you totally drove me to drink!!"

i opened the box. there was a small note inside saying "here are some picture, etc thought you might like them."

and boy were there pictures. i think every picture that he owned was in that box. well every picture that included my family at least. there were pictures of me as a kid. my sister's wedding. our family pets. lots of pictures of blake and my neice and nephew. so you know, his grandkids. really old pictures. not so old pictures. all of them, including the negatives.... there in 1 box.

i looked at every single picture. every.single.one. that apparently he doesn't want anymore. or doesn't care about anymore. or doesn't want to have to look at anymore.

and i ask you- how am i supposed to take that? do i think of it like, well gee thanks for sending me the pictures instead of throwing them away (although i wouldn't have known any different)? or am i justified in feeling like here is just another example of how he's written off our family, namely me? i mean, he obviously doesn't want them anymore, right? and that's kind of the bottom line- no matter how he tries to justify it (or say it was a nice gesture), the bottom lines was he didn't want them.

so i don't know how to feel. and i'm wondering how you would feel? how would you take that? if your dad, who didn't come to your wedding, who you've barely spoken too since he left your mom for another woman 4 years ago..... how would you feel and what would you think it meant to get a box full of pictures in the mail?

Thursday, May 08, 2008

blog to the her

oh. kay.

i need to talk blogher. i haven't even started thinking about it really and i've realized that maybe i should start. i mean, it is practically in my backyard this year (again) and it would be stupid if i didn't at least plan on showing up at some point. right? right. i mean, i remember how i felt when i was at work and everyone was already together 2 years ago. i couldn't wait to get there. i just know i'll feel the same way this year. i can't miss out on a party this big. or awesome. i mean, when else have you ever seen me write a post THIS LONG before????

so here's what i need from you. i need all your details. are you going? what parties are you going too? are you throwing a party? and anything else you want to tell me. i feel like i'm planning this super late when everyone else is like "dur ster, we've been planning this for a year now.... god, get.with.it."

so start talking. and get prepped.. cause if i'm there, your butt and your boobs will most likely be violated at some point during the weekend. until then, i leave you with the lovely izzy, kristen, self, and liz. SMOOCHES bitches.

the girls- izzy, kristen, jennster, liz

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

we went to the prom on saturday

HA! trish had a prom themed 30th birthday party this past weekend. so, as you'd expect .... i CRIMPED my hair. oh yeah. worked it. loved it. owned it. you totally want to crimp your hair now don'tcha?

our papparazzi shot

angela, trish, jennster

apparently wearing my hair like this gave me hairatude. you know, hair attitude. cause i barely smiled in ANY pics that night. see?

i love it

don't crimp hate, crimp participate. it's crimp-tastic.

Monday, May 05, 2008

happy birthday boyfriend

enjoy your last year in your 20's. yes, yes, i'm a cradle robber. SO WHAT! happy 29th birthday boyfriend.
stay hot. rahr.

Friday, May 02, 2008

it's hard to be a mom sometimes

blake punched one of his teammates at last nights game.

a little backstory first. this particular kid pesters blake (and the rest of the team) consistantly. when i say pester, i mean that he slaps blake in the face, slaps him upside the head, calls him a "bitch," and i think he has pushed him (or maybe he pushed another kid). blake has asked him repeatedly to stop. boyfriend has told this kid on 3 seperate occassions that he can recall, not to touch blake. so last night, blake finally had enough. this kid lightly slapped blake in the face and blake did nothing. but apparently he came back and did it again, and blake reacted. he punched him in the stomach.

if you're wondering if blake's in trouble or not, he's not. we had talked to him about this situation prior. we knew that eventually something like this was going to happen. it's so hard, because it's such a fine line when teaching your child the difference between being man enough to walk away, and standing up for yourself (and knowing when to do either). but we pretty much told him that he has given this kid enough warnings. he's told him plenty of times that he doesn't like being touched in the face, not to call him names, etc. he knew he wouldn't be in trouble for doing this. and he's not.

but here's where the mom in me just aches for my son. he said that when he first hit the kid, he felt so bad. he said he felt bad for himself. like he shouldn't have done it, but that he totally reacted and that's what happened (he said that he had intended to just shove him, but that he hit him instead). then after a little bit, he said he felt justified in doing it. that the kid deserved it. and he felt okay with his actions. but then a little more time passed. and he was really upset. he didn't like the way it felt to hurt someone physically. he knows why he did it, but it didn't make him feel good inside. he especially didn't like thinking that his other teammates would think he was a bully, or be scared of him, or think he's a bad person.

so we talked last night. and we talked some more this morning. and it's just so hard. and i told him that. i told him that it's hard to know what to do in situations, but this is how we learn. now you know what it's like to be pushed to a point where you've simply had enough and you lash out. you know what it's like to feel bad for your actions. and you're learning what it's like to have other people "judge" you for the things you do (ie, his teammates). it's all part of growing up and learning. i told him that even i still learn, and that i shouldn't have yelled at the kids older brother (another story for another time). that i absolutely could have talked to the brother and said what i said, but i should have done it differently. i should have said it in a different tone and not yelled and that i owe that kid an apology for the WAY i said things- not what i said, cause i meant what i said, but HOW i said it.

i just ache for him. i don't want blake to only remember how badly he feels for hurting this kid and continue to get walked all over by other kids. i still want him to defend himself and stand up for himself and not allow himself to get pushed around. i don't know- it's a learning experience for all of us... it's just really hard.