i really am. and nothing is more depressing than trying to find new clothes that fit over my fat ass.
look, getting older sucks. being a WOMAN and getting older is even more suckier. it's true that once you hit 30 everything changes. whatever worked to lose weight before, does not work anymore. whatever took 1 week to work, now takes at least 4 times as long to get the same results. it's frustrating. it's hard. and it sucks. and it keeps getting harder with each year you add to that 30 mark.
i'm tired of working out and getting no results. it's very unmotivating to work out and work out hard and feel good about the work out, but not see anything from it. I HAVE TO SEE RESULTS TO KEEP WANTING TO BUST MY ASS THIS WAY. not that difficult of a concept.
the other thing? i don't want to have to fucking starve myself to lose weight. and seriously, that's what i feel like i have to do. i feel like i have to be hungry for most of the day. i definitely have to go to bed hungry. otherwise, it just doesn't work. i can't eat kinda healthy and kinda crappy and work out and be happy with my body. you might be able too, but i can't. like it doesn't work for me. and i want it too. i want to eat some junk food. i want to eat good food too, but i also want to eat junk. and i want that to be okay. i want to be able to work it off and still feel like how i look is awesome. but i don't feel that way. and i feel like i just keep getting chunkier. and i totally hear this guy in my head who said to someone about me 6 months after i'd had blake, "she looks like she's eaten one too many cheeseburgers."
i'm not normally the girl they say that shit about.
or maybe i am.
maybe i'm just not normally the girl who gives a fuck.
but lately, i can't get that cheeseburger comment out of my head. if i had one too many cheeseburgers 10 years ago, just imagine how many more it looks like i've eaten now.
i'm just tired of being so unhappy with how i look. if it's this difficult now, and if it's only going to keep getting more and more difficult with age- am i seriously going to be dealing with this shit forever?! like until i die?! cause i don't want to live like that. i don't want to have my whole adult life marred by the constant struggle to feel good about how i look. because it's not fun. and i'm sick of it. and i hate it. and i just want what i do at the gym to work. i want to see results when i work out. i don't want it to be THIS hard to lose weight. and it is for me. and i just don't understand why it has to be this way?! and why can't it be easier? and why do i have to fucking starve myself to lose 20 pounds? and will i have to do that shit forever? because if i do starve myself to lose the 20 pounds (and by starving i do not literally mean starve.. i mean, just barely consume any fucking calories) i can't live like that forever. i mean, eventually.. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT REAL FOOD. right?! and then what? the weight comes back?! a
just tell me what works. give me advice. if you struggle, and i mean really struggle with your weight, just talk to me here. if it's 1o pounds, 20.. or 100 you need to lose. how do we lose it and keep it lost?!?
ps- all this talk about being fat, and feeling fat, and just loathing myself.. know what it makes me want to do? eat.chocolate. yeah. how fucked up is that?