i'm sorry folks, but you knew this would happen. well maybe it wouldn't have happened, and i wouldn't be writing this review at all if the movie was half way decent.
you might want to stop reading here if that last sentence hurt you.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! stephanie meyer and catherine hardwicke, are you freaking idiots or what?!?! melissa rosenberg, did you really adapt the book this fucked up in your screenplay, or did catherine completely fuck you in the directing and editing process?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
okay, just had to get that out first.
i wanted this movie to be good. i knew there was a distinct possibility that the movie would be terrible, but i was hoping for the best. plus i'd read the book- how bad could the movie be right? right?!?!? *cries*
we're all in agreement that the books are not written by an amazing novelist, correct (kind of like this blog)? and even though they aren't written all that well, there is still something about them that is super enjoyable and fun, right? so i was kind of thinking along the same lines in regards to the movie... it might not be done really well, but it would still be super enjoyable. i.was.wrong.
first of all, i don't know how ANYONE who has not read this book could sit through this movie. i don't think they would understand what the hell was going on half the time. this movie was developed so freaking poorly, only those of us who read the book understood what a certain look, gesture, "i'm going to vomit if you sit next to me" actually meant. there were parts in the movie that were laughable. like embarassingly so.
i am really at a loss for the casting process on this movie (although i lean towards blaming the director entirely.. i mean, did that bitch even read the book?!?!?). i almost feel like i am owed a fucking explanation as to WHY IN THE LIVING HELL they chose the person they chose to play rosalie?!?! worst.casting.decision.ever. at least not if you're trying to adapt the novel in any way shape or form. also alice? while she looked exactly the way i pictured her to look, her acting was terrible (which is also probably the director's fault- i am beginning to think she can't direct at all). and jasper?! i don't know about you, but when i read the books i never pictured him as this totally weird, offbase, almost mute type non-person. did you? cause in the movie, he's just so weird. and he says literally 5 words in the whole movie. um, who else sucked? oh yeah esme! i would never in a million years cast her to play this part. i just don't get it. like i want catherine hardwicke to get her pathetic directing ass onto this blog and tell me why she chose these people. i want an explanation people. i demand an answer!!!!! oh, who did i like in the movie, you're asking? i like the chick who played bella (although her voice was really annoying and if they aren't careful, she's going to come off like a super whiney, i'm never happy, just kill me, type of character- you know, kind of like meredith grey on grey's anatomy. omg, please kill her already).. and i'm partially now in love with the guy who played edward (bite me. no seriously. do it.).. and i think the casting for all the high school characters (eric, angela, jessica and mike) were awesome! mike was hilarious and jessica cracked me up. they were perfect. good job there! thanks for barely putting them in the damn movie.
okay- do you see how long this freaking post is already!??!! damn twilight for sucking! i wouldn't have to write something this long that people stopped reading 10 minutes ago IF YOU JUST WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
moving on. the direction (yes, i am now hating seriously on the director of this film) was beyond shiteous. it kind of reminded me of pearl harbor. very little substance, but lots of pretty light and oooh, isn't edward pretty? let's just circle the camera around him 500 times so we can see his prettiness from every angle possible! and then let's pan up, but still circle cause he's prettier from above, don't you agree?!?! the circle cams were ridiculous and never ending through the whole movie. they were totally unnecessary and just made the movie more silly. especially with the number of times she did it. lame. you hear me hardwicke? LAME!
and i really don't know what happened with the screenplay. i don't know if melissa actually wrote a halfway decent script and the director changed it, or what. but i truly don't understand why they didn't adapt the screenplay more closely with the novel. there was no reason to not almost film the novel word for word. it couldn't have been that hard. i mean, the first time bella sees the cullen's in the book is the best. looking across the room in the cafeteria- seeing their gorgeousness (oooh, circle cam!!!) and then asking jessica who they are. even the jessica/bella convo in the book is totally natural. well the movie is just lame. bella sees the cullens walking oustide the window towards the caf and is all "who are theyyyyyyy"... i don't understand why she couldn't have seen them in the caf the way it was in the book?! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?!? they took absolutely no time at all developing the story between bella and edward before completely jumping into the whole "i can't live without you. me either." parts. the book is unbelievable enough, but i buy into it far more than i ever could with the movie. the movie just really blew it on the whole character development part from any and every angle. they cut things from the book that i felt didn't need to be cut. they took away conversations that i felt really should have been had. they changed little things that they didn't need to change and it affected the movie in a negative way. they are missing so much of the character interaction. and they needed it. whenever mike and jessica came into the picture- they added humor and fun to the movie. but they were out of the scene as quickly as they came in, and then it was all circle cam on the pretty vampire and pale girl.
look, i realize that no movie is ever half as good as the book it's trying to be (except the notebook), but i just think that there was no reason for this movie to be this craptastic. i could have written a better screenplay. i would have adapted it far closer to the novel, and it would have been better. i definitely could have cast it better. i just don't understand why they ruined it this way? and the makeup?! omg, did they just have people run through a huge spray of powder and then put them on set?!?! the makeup was the worst. i mean, come on people- were we making powder here? memoirs of a geisha? oh, we're not?!?! THEN ENOUGH WITH THE RIDICULOUS ATTEMPT AT PASTY WHITENESS. it was distracting.
okay, i have to stop myself before i have a stinking aneurysm (if i do though, please blame the director). i'll just apologize to all of you who are going to see this movie. because it's beyond disappointing. i want to take it back. i want them to go back into production and recast, rewrite and refilm. i want a do over! PLEASE DO A DO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
at least edward was hot. *sighs*
ps- towards the end of the movie, edward starting doing the mouthy pout thing that shane west does all the freaking time (see- a walk to remember) and that gets annoying. leave your lips alone and stop trying to contort them into stupid positions.