a friend of mine called me last night and when i picked up the phone, she yelled into my ear something like, "were you angry when you packed to move from so cal to nor cal?" and i was like, "wha? was i what? ANGRY?" and then she continued with, "yeah. ANGRY! were you angry? cause i'm fucking pissed right now!!"
i got off the phone with her because i couldn't have a conversation about how it felt to leave LA with blake sitting right there. and also, i didn't want boyfriend to walk in while i was talking about it, cause really- it's hard enough. but i thought about it all night. literally. from the moment i hung up the phone with her, until i finally fell asleep (and dreamt about sharks biting off parts of my arm and boyfriend not caring and running away while i got chomped. fucker.).
the initial plan after being proposed too was that blake and i would move up north in a year. i had it all planned out because i wanted to experience everything "a last time" and i wanted to spend my time really just doing all things LA and getting the most out of it knowing i would be leaving. i think mentally, i needed the prep time. i needed to enjoy, see and experience everything in a way that only knowing you won't be seeing them everyday for awhile can afford you. but quickly after miss sparkles was on my finger, there were department changes at work, the condo i was renting got sold, and what was supposed to be a little over a year, turned into a little under 2 months. there were so many other things to look into like- what city would we live in, and then finding a place to live in that city, a new school for blake, a new daycare for blake, baseball for blake, football for blake, and a job for me... that i didn't really have the time to get angry. i felt like i barely had time to pack, let alone sit there and process any emotions i was supposed to be going through.
the one feeling i did have however, was sadness. i was so fucking sad to be leaving. i didn't want to leave my sister, and my niece and nephew. i didn't want to leave malibu and the beaches, dodger stadium and disneyland. i know that probably sounds so stupid to you, but when those places are a regular part of your life- it's really hard to imagine having to live without them. and i do have to live without them- all of those things. the beaches up here suck. and there are giants fans everywhere. it's really quite disturbing and goes against everything i believe in, you know. anytime i wear a dodgers hat, i get hassled. i get tired of saying "i'm from la, so fuck off."
but really- i was sad. and three years later, i still am. so i don't know why my girlfriend wants to talk to me about this stuff, cause in all honesty, i don't think i'm the right person to talk to about it. at least not if you want to feel better.. haha. but really, my emotions on the subject haven't faded with time. i miss my family. i miss my hometown. i miss la. i miss malibu. i fucking miss dodger stadium and i miss disneyland in a ridiculous way (it would be all done up for halloween now and it's so cool!!). i miss pony ball (yes, little league can suck it, but truly, thank the goddess for our travel ball team). i miss the entertainment industry and hollywood. i miss going out in hollywood. being in the entertainment industry in northern california just isn't the same. i just miss things. and places. and the weather. and the atmosphere. and everything that all you southern california haters, HATE- i love. and i miss. everyday.
it's hard. and i don't know what to tell my girlfriend, really. i can tell her however, that i don't think i was ever truly angry. frustrated at times? definitely. but not angry. so i'm hoping that her anger will fade and she won't always feel that way. i think anger isn't an emotion that stays around forever. at least i hope not. i would never wish that for her, or anyone. maybe it's just her initial reaction to actually packing up for the move? the reality of it all is starting to hit and maybe for her, it's coming out as anger first. for me though, it was more of an intense sadness. the kind that was very aware of what exactly would be missed and just how deeply. the kind that recognized that this was going to be something i would never be able to just "get over." the kind that has found a place inside me to live. it's that deep. it's truly that painful. and all i can say is that i hope it's not how she feels. cause i would never wish this feeling on anyone (not even my husband if we move back to la - i would never want him to feel this way- it would break my heart.).
the worst part? you can't make the feeling go away. you have to live with it being a part of you. and you're extremely aware that it's there. because it hurts. like physically causes you pain if you let it. sometimes i wonder if i would have moved someplace that i really loved and enjoyed, then maybe i wouldn't feel this way? i mean, i think i would be sad and miss things about so cal, but maybe it wouldn't be this intense? cause i find it hard to believe that the only place i'll ever truly be happy is in LA... but maybe that is the truth of it? i don't know... i really don't know..