Friday, October 17, 2008

when you have to leave the place you love

a friend of mine called me last night and when i picked up the phone, she yelled into my ear something like, "were you angry when you packed to move from so cal to nor cal?" and i was like, "wha? was i what? ANGRY?" and then she continued with, "yeah. ANGRY! were you angry? cause i'm fucking pissed right now!!"

i got off the phone with her because i couldn't have a conversation about how it felt to leave LA with blake sitting right there. and also, i didn't want boyfriend to walk in while i was talking about it, cause really- it's hard enough. but i thought about it all night. literally. from the moment i hung up the phone with her, until i finally fell asleep (and dreamt about sharks biting off parts of my arm and boyfriend not caring and running away while i got chomped. fucker.).

the initial plan after being proposed too was that blake and i would move up north in a year. i had it all planned out because i wanted to experience everything "a last time" and i wanted to spend my time really just doing all things LA and getting the most out of it knowing i would be leaving. i think mentally, i needed the prep time. i needed to enjoy, see and experience everything in a way that only knowing you won't be seeing them everyday for awhile can afford you. but quickly after miss sparkles was on my finger, there were department changes at work, the condo i was renting got sold, and what was supposed to be a little over a year, turned into a little under 2 months. there were so many other things to look into like- what city would we live in, and then finding a place to live in that city, a new school for blake, a new daycare for blake, baseball for blake, football for blake, and a job for me... that i didn't really have the time to get angry. i felt like i barely had time to pack, let alone sit there and process any emotions i was supposed to be going through.

the one feeling i did have however, was sadness. i was so fucking sad to be leaving. i didn't want to leave my sister, and my niece and nephew. i didn't want to leave malibu and the beaches, dodger stadium and disneyland. i know that probably sounds so stupid to you, but when those places are a regular part of your life- it's really hard to imagine having to live without them. and i do have to live without them- all of those things. the beaches up here suck. and there are giants fans everywhere. it's really quite disturbing and goes against everything i believe in, you know. anytime i wear a dodgers hat, i get hassled. i get tired of saying "i'm from la, so fuck off."

but really- i was sad. and three years later, i still am. so i don't know why my girlfriend wants to talk to me about this stuff, cause in all honesty, i don't think i'm the right person to talk to about it. at least not if you want to feel better.. haha. but really, my emotions on the subject haven't faded with time. i miss my family. i miss my hometown. i miss la. i miss malibu. i fucking miss dodger stadium and i miss disneyland in a ridiculous way (it would be all done up for halloween now and it's so cool!!). i miss pony ball (yes, little league can suck it, but truly, thank the goddess for our travel ball team). i miss the entertainment industry and hollywood. i miss going out in hollywood. being in the entertainment industry in northern california just isn't the same. i just miss things. and places. and the weather. and the atmosphere. and everything that all you southern california haters, HATE- i love. and i miss. everyday.

it's hard. and i don't know what to tell my girlfriend, really. i can tell her however, that i don't think i was ever truly angry. frustrated at times? definitely. but not angry. so i'm hoping that her anger will fade and she won't always feel that way. i think anger isn't an emotion that stays around forever. at least i hope not. i would never wish that for her, or anyone. maybe it's just her initial reaction to actually packing up for the move? the reality of it all is starting to hit and maybe for her, it's coming out as anger first. for me though, it was more of an intense sadness. the kind that was very aware of what exactly would be missed and just how deeply. the kind that recognized that this was going to be something i would never be able to just "get over." the kind that has found a place inside me to live. it's that deep. it's truly that painful. and all i can say is that i hope it's not how she feels. cause i would never wish this feeling on anyone (not even my husband if we move back to la - i would never want him to feel this way- it would break my heart.).

the worst part? you can't make the feeling go away. you have to live with it being a part of you. and you're extremely aware that it's there. because it hurts. like physically causes you pain if you let it. sometimes i wonder if i would have moved someplace that i really loved and enjoyed, then maybe i wouldn't feel this way? i mean, i think i would be sad and miss things about so cal, but maybe it wouldn't be this intense? cause i find it hard to believe that the only place i'll ever truly be happy is in LA... but maybe that is the truth of it? i don't know... i really don't know..

19 comments:

Issas Crazy World said...

I feel you completely. I am not angry, but I feel like a part of me is missing. A part of me that was important. LA was a part of me, I defined myself as a life long Californian. Without it, I still don't know who I am. I moved, because it was best for my family. I'll learn to love it (parts of it I do) but it will never be LA.

jennster said...

issa- exactly. it's how i feel but i felt so stupid writing that. but i do feel like a part of me is missing. a part of my heart. a part of who i am, my soul. it's not complete if i'm not there. i feel like it sounds so melodramatic, but it's the truth. so thank you for understanding.

and like you, i really do enjoy where we live. i really like parts of it and i have met some amazing people and i have a kick ass job- but even with all of that.... it's not home. and that kinda sucks. cause the opposite of that is having boyfriend move to la and feel the way i do. and that scares me to death.

Dan said...

Three points:

1. I could never imagine leaving So Cal. My whole family and my wife's whole family live here, plus my wife would never survive living anywhere it gets cold in the winter (she's a wimp) so we'll probably be here forever.

2. Do you really get mad at your boyfriend for things he does/doesn't do in his dreams?!? My wife is the same way! Dream Dan seems to be a real ass, at least in HER dreams. He kicks ass in mine!

3. I have some pictures from Disneyland decorated for Halloween on my site, if you want to bring back some memories.

Dan said...

Oops, I meant to say in YOUR dreams, but I'm sure you know what I meant. =)

The Stiletto Mom said...

I love LA...not all of us outsiders are haters. :) If I could live anywhere? Hermosa Beach, in a heartbeat.

Rusti said...

I can only imagine how that must be :( I currently live the farthest I ever have from the little farming community hubs & I both grew up in - and we're only 40 minutes away... but ALL of both of our families are there, and sometimes hubs mentions moving to another state for a job and I just blow him off (he is joking right?) he knows I could never move away from my family - heck - my daddy!! I'm a major daddy's girl... the THOUGHT of leaving "home" terrifies me and depresses me - so I can only imagine how much actually doing it would suck... I'm so sorry that it still causes you so much sadness after three years... thinking of you {HUGS}

Anonymous said...

Hi baby sister,I miss you tremendously everyday. I miss our Sundays and Father's Day has a big fat hole in it since you left. No one gets that but you and me and a little place called Santa Monica. I would've and should've moved when you did...looking back is always so easy. This is where we belong you and I. I don't want Chris to feel the way you and I do because we are apart either. All I can say is that whatever is in our furture I hope it involves seeing much more of my family....Blake, Chris and Jenn and Brother Jim.

Love you Jenn tons and tons

Denise said...

Coming from a girl who moved to a city she thought she could spend the rest of her life in, then here it is almost 6 years later and I'm making the plans to move back home I can tell you this...if you are a So cal girl in your heart you always will be. If you reached 18 and didn't want to flee for your life from the place you were born it will be stuck with you forever, it's a bitch I tell ya.
I miss Portland really bad and it's totally a physical pain.

SLynnRo said...

Oh, this is how I feel about Austin...

Alison said...

I wouldn't miss the place so much, but leaving family behind would be hard. That's why we never moved north---I refused to take my kids away from their nana. So, I held out and guess what? The in-laws are here now! :)

P.S. It's not just moving cities...I'm at a new school this year (not by choice) and it's really hard. I've cried pretty much every day since June 28th when I found out. :( Home is home, you know?

SUEB0B said...

Yeah, I understand. When I lived in Thousand Oaks, which is just 25 miles from here, I felt like I was a square peg in a round hole. I just did not fit in and I could not make myself fit. The very day I moved back to Vta, I started feeling more like myself. Now when I drive around my town, I have this goofball smile all the time. I really, really love it.

Twenty Four At Heart said...

I had to leave S. Cal (where I grew up) for N.Cal for a few years. I never got over "home". I was in Sacramento and I think I would have done better if I'd been in the Bay Area. Fortunately I was eventually able to request a transfer to get back here. My husband also requested a transfer and we are now in Orange County and love it. We are also very, very active w/travel baseball. Wish you were down here to do stuff with!!

norcalgirl28 said...

First, I just read this at 10:00 p.m. so please know I sent that text because I really was truly sorry, not because I read this post. Second, I love Disneyland more than any place in the world, so Northern California people don't hate everything Southern California. Third, I really don't think that Chris would feel the same way that you do if he moved to Southern California. I have no idea why, I just don't think Northern California is as embedded in him as Southern California is embedded in you. I just want you to be happy and I know what will make you happy and Drew and I will come down and visit and all four of us can cut school and go to Disneyland in the middle of October or some not so busy time.

norcalgirl28 said...

You know what, I'm going to go out on a limb here...on the lines of a post you wrote a few days ago about always agreeing with what a blogger says. I hope you will take this like I mean it and not be offended. Please look at things from my point of view too. I respect the fact that you love Los Angeles and you hate everything about Northern California. That said, it really hurts sometimes to have a friend who hates everything I love. I love Northern California, I love the Golden Gate Bridge, I love the City, I grew up body surfing at Santa Cruz without a wetsuit and going to Candlestick Park to watch my beloved Giants and 49ers. Freezing my butt off at Candlestick was part of the tradition of watching my teams. I love Yosemite, I love the Bay and the beaches and the hills and the beauty of Northern California. Little League was all I knew so it was kind of hard to hear someone tell me that it was stupid when I had put my heart and soul into it all those years. So...I may be very sorry when I hit send but I am going to stand up to you on this one and tell you that I respect the fact that you love Southern California, but you are awfully hard on the land that I love.

Stephanie A. said...

What I do for a living is counsel the spouses of employees being transferred to a new area, mostly to a new country. Anger is very common. People often grieve their homelands and when they leave they go through the same stages of grief that people who lose someone experience. I think your friend needs to experience this anger and get it all out. And it might sounds like you are so NOT the right person to talk to about this, but honestly, you are the BEST person for her. One thing I tell people who struggle is to find other expats ASAP! They understand that struggle and when things are different (like the freaking weather) and you're going to freak out because it is not what you love or what is familiar, you need to talk to someone who gets it. Someone who won't say, "Um, it's just a little chill and rain." When I lived in Paris my biggest breakdown was because I could not get my fucking French crazy ass key to work and I was a slobbering ball of tears because all I wanted to do was get into my apartment and shower. It's the littlest, seemingly stupidest things that reduce us to stress, tears, and longing.

You are normal. Your friend is normal. :)

carrie said...

It's okay to miss the places you love. And from my recent visit to So. Cal., I can see why you love it so much. :)

Kristabella said...

Oh man, I know. I KNOW! I had to leave two places I love, AZ after college and Northern Cali when I moved back to Chicago. I don't know if you ever get over it. But I just try and make Chicago like those places and go back and visit as much as I can.

texas math said...

I was going to comment...but I really loved reading Stephanie A.'s comment...so I'll recommend that everyone read (or reread) her comment.

The Redheaded Lefty said...

Great post---especially the part about the dream. So true. I live in the Midwest now and think, everyday, PLEASE let this be temporary. In my early twenties, moves felt very shortterm and I didn't really consider the ramifications, like, umm, not having family help raising children? SUCKS.