my dad leaving my mom for another woman has definitely fucked me up in more ways than one. i know i've talked about all of this before, but it's not something that just goes away. it's not like you just forget it happened and casually move on. it just kind of lingers in the back of your head. and while there are times i don't let it in, there are times when i can't keep it out.
i realize how much my dad choosing to leave my mom when he did has affected my own marriage. i mean, my parents were a couple of years away from retiring when he left. and while my dad has apparently retired, my mom is still busting her ass everyday because now that he left her, she can't retire. she has to continue to work. she feels as if she doesn't have a choice financially.
a couple of years away from retirement. don't you think that if you've made it that far along together in life, you're marriage is probably pretty secure? wouldn't you think that all the potential cheating and leaving would have happened already, if it was going to happen at all? it has just made me feel like no matter what your age, or how many years you've been married, you can still lose it all. he can still walk away from the life you've built. he can still decide after all you've been through, and all you've already forgiven him for, that you're not enough for him. he can still leave. and while i type that- the "he can still leave" line, my hands are shaking and my eyes are welling up with tears. because i project to my own marriage. my own life. my own husband. and i hate that i feel like that. i hate that i think this way. but it's true. nothing is ever 100% secure. no one is guaranteed to stand by your side or stay with you forever. there are no guarantees in life. just because you're married and about to retire, doesn't mean that he won't find some stupid fucking cuntrag of a whore to leave you for. and just because you think that you're perfectly happy and you have all these retirement plans, doesn't mean he won't leave you for said whore, marry her stupid ass, and then live out those plans with her, instead of with you.
and fuck. that is in the back of my head. no matter how many times i tell myself that my husband is not my father. no matter how many times i try to convince myself- there is still the lingering feeling of "well, he is still a MAN..." as if that characteristic alone is enough to make him want to get up and leave one day. and then there's the issue of other women. you know, knowing how they are. knowing that there are those women out there who don't care if your husband is married or not. knowing that we, as women, know how easy it is to manipulate a man if we want too. knowing that my husband is strong enough, and respectable enough to tell them to fuck off. for now. but what happens if 10 years down the road, he's not getting what he wants from me, and he's frustrated, and someone comes along promising to fulfil his every desire and dream? what then? i know he loves how sassy and what a pain in the ass i am... now. but what if one day he's sick of my fucking attitude? what if one day he wants me to just appease him? HA.. that line made me laugh cause it's never going to happen.
listen, i don't want to live my life or my marriage scared. i don't want to project my fears onto my own marriage, but it's really, really hard. i truly feel that since my parents were at the age they were when he left, i'll NEVER feel secure. like i'll never 100% believe that boyfriend will never leave. it's like i will always be aware that it could happen at any time. he could leave at any time. he could find someone else he loves more than me, at any time. he could get up, walk away from everything we have together and go live his life with someone else....
i don't know how to make those feelings go away. i don't know how to push them out of my head completely. i'm not sure yet how to live my own marriage without having my parents marriage affect me. do you?