i don't like discussing politics. i really don't. i think part of the reason is that i'm never as informed as whoever is going batshit about it is. i can't have an intelligent discussion about things i don't know about. or things i only kind of know about- especially when the other person has read every single piece of literature, and heard every single bit on talk radio, in regards to their side of things. i truly think that a lot of people just regurgitate other people's opinions and try to sell them as their own unique, original thought. like whatever they hear on talk radio, or on a news channel, suddenly becomes their opinion as well. they even word it the same way. same argument. same points. same thoughts. just a different voice.
politics isn't fun to me. it's so personal. i mean, your beliefs are a part of who you are. what you think. what you feel. what you value. what you want. and i don't think that i should have to defend what i think, feel, value, or want. i shouldn't have to discuss it if i don't want too. i shouldn't have to "debate" it or give reasons for why i think it, etc. but i know lots of people feel differently. and i know a lot of people like to debate and discuss politics. although i kind of don't know why. it's not like you'll ever change someone's mind or opinion. so to me, it's kind of pointless. and in the end, people just end up super frustrated. the worst part? when people think their side is "right" and the other side is "wrong." that's how it always seems to go. each side can't understand why and how the other side can see things the way they do. it just gets ugly. i mean, i'm registered as a specific party, but i don't necessarily agree with EVERY SINGLE THING that party agrees with. sometimes i consider myself more middle of the road with certain issues. sometimes i think that there's a balance to be found in combining each sides views of certain things. but it's the personal issues that i'm not middle of the road on. it's those issues that really have me leaning the way i do.
i think this post stems from the fact that my household is divided politically. and it's hard. because boyfriend is really into politics. and he wants to talk about it. and he wants to defend his views and he wants to hear reasons for why i think certain things. he questions me. and i immediately get defensive. i shut down. i don't want to talk about it. i don't need to give him reasons for why i want to vote for someone. see, this all goes deeper. it goes back to the last election. to when i broke down in the fucking voting booth because i was so rattled and so involved in heavy political discussions with him for months (every.single.night) that i just couldn't take it. i questioned myself. i questioned everything. and i got so angry. i felt like he made me feel like i couldn't vote for whoever i wanted too, because i didn't have a good enough reason. so i remember calling him and yelling at him when i walked out of the voting station. telling him through my hysterical tears that if he ever made me feel like that again i'd break up with him. and it wasn't his fault. i mean, he didn't even realize what he was doing to me. what our conversations were doing to me. he just thought we were having simple, rational discussions. apparently, i was losing my mind. i'm not built to have political discussions every single night. or probably ever. but did i ever tell him that? i don't think i did. i just continued to engage him in debate.. or discussion.. or whatever the hell we were talking about.. and that is so not me to go all political sally on someone. i must have been trying to get him into bed or something.
so yeah. here we are again. 4 years later. and i can't take having a repeat of 4 years ago so i totally shut down. i feel like i cannot talk to him about this stuff. or more accurately, i don't want to talk to him about this stuff. i don't want to debate. i don't want to defend. i don't want to come up with a litany of reasons for things. i just want to say i'm voting for so and so cause i like that he's this and that and have that be the end of it. but with boyfriend, he'll want to go into the "this" and the "that" reasons. and that's really not who i am. i never have been and i'm wondering if i totally false advertised to him when we were dating- and i wonder if that was part of the appeal. i wonder if he still loves me after this post. or respects me.