my heart has been slowly cracking since the moment i heard the news about yesterday's horrific metrolink crash.
i used to take the metrolink. that was my route. and sometimes, when i would leave work a little early on a friday, it was also my train. it has since become my sister's train. that actual one. thankfully, for whatever reason yesterday morning, she decided to drive to work instead of take it.
but now she's left feeling vulnerable, and worried for the familiar faces she's used to seeing almost daily. she's freaking out because she would have been on that train. would she be alive right now? how hurt would she be? are her friends okay? will she recognize any of the ones who didn't make it? will i?
you see, the trains in so cal are a little different than say the subway in new york. it's a bunch of commuters going to work, but we pretty much sit in the same exact train car every single day. and usually, in the same area. the trains have an upstairs and a downstairs. and honestly, you either sit in one or the other, all the time. i sat downstairs in the "first car" on the way to work, which became the "last car" on the way home from work. after the accident in 2005, we all abandoned the "first car" and sat in the next one. because our car took the brunt of the impact when it crashed into a parked car on the tracks and 11 people were killed. we all decided it probably wasn't the safest car to be in on the way to work. it was the train that left right before ours that got in the accident.
so right now i'm just hurting so badly for everyone. so hurt for what's to come. when that final number of fatalities is released. and then the names. and then the faces that go with the names. because even though you might not "know" some of the people on the train, you know their faces. you see them daily. you recognize them. and you sit there thinking about how easily it could have been you... or someone you love.. or someone you know. and then you cross your fingers and hold your breath because one those equations could still hold true.
my condolences to everyone who lost someone yesterday. i hurt with you. i grieve with you. i cry for you.