Wednesday, September 24, 2008

can you be friends with someone who hates your husband?

a girlfriend of mine and i were discussing this topic the other day. she has a friend who doesn't get along with her husband anymore. and that friend actually suggested that they be friends and just not ever talk about their husbands. that there is no reason why the 2 of them can't be best friends like they used to be, before their husbands were in the picture.

now i don't know about you, but that pissed me off. and made me laugh. like seriously, how old is this person? and does she realistically think that she could be friends with someone, without including the husband? and what, just never ever talk about married life, or the issues that go along with being married, the father of your child, etc?!? what the fuck ever.

do you think it's possible to be friends with someone if they don't like your husband? i mean, actually have a meaningful friendship? cause for me, i have a "friend" who doesn't like my husband. and in all honesty, i don't really speak to her. i don't really have much to say because there is always some sort of ackwardness that exists... the knowledge that she doesn't like who i married. the ringing in my ears of all the really mean and cruel things she once said about me and my husband, and has never apologized for. and to me, if you can't support my marriage, then i don't really want you in my life. that might sound harsh, but why would i want someone who didn't like the main person in my life, in my life? i can't be friends with someone who doesn't want to hear about my husband (unless it's something bad, then i'm sure she'd be happy to listen). it's not that this friend of mine wishes or wants bad things for me- it's just the reality of what she thinks about the man i married. and in all honesty, i can't get past it. i can't. i can't put it behind me and pretend like everything is okay and that i truly like her and want her in my life because the truth is.... i don't.

and i'm wondering.. am i wrong?

what would you do? or maybe you haven't liked someone's husband, but still wanted to be friends with that person.. does it truly work? cause i just don't see how it can.

32 comments:

Heinous said...

Nope, you're not wrong at all. How can you not talk about such a large part of your life and consider someone a friend? That's an acquaintance at best, regardless of past history.

zchamu said...

It depends.

If the person has been very vocal and said nasty judgmental things about your husband and your relationship... it would be pretty tough.

If it's simply obvious from their interactions that your friend and your husband don't get along but your friend keeps his/her opinions pretty much to themself, I think it's quite possible to maintain a relationship with that person.

Issas Crazy World said...

Nope, you're right on. I have stopped being friends with someone because they didn't like Nick. Also once with someone because they were always making rude comments about Maya to other people. My husband is a deal breaker. Because we're pretty dam attached to each other and I just couldn't listen to someone make comments about him. Now funny enough, I've never disliked any of my friends husbands...ex-boyfriends sure, they are different. but not their husbands.

Dude, I was beginning to wonder about you. And yes, I'm still pregnant.

Stephanie A. said...

I had one friend whose husband I liked until he did something really awful to my friend. After about the 10th time of her coming to me, miserable, for advice, I just couldn't take it anymore. And now she is trying to make it work with him, but I just can't be as close with her. It is a shame, but I think you are right.

stefyland said...

eeewww, that would irk me too. Not sure how I would get along with someone who had such an irrational issue with my husband, hello we said "i do" for life.

Reader said...

I agree with where you are coming from.... but I'll admit that I maintained a great friendship with my best friend even though I loathed her husband. I never told her I loathed him. It never came up.

I was social with them as a couple, but really it was my poor Hubby that had to put up with her husband. Our friendship didn't suffer because I figured her friendship was well worth putting up with the man she married. I decided there must be SOMETHING great about him because she loved him.

Turns out that I was right and he is an asshole. I never said "told you so" because I'd always kept quiet. I'm happy to report that she realized he IS an asshole and she is getting divorced. We are still close friends. Prior to this I would not have thought I could maintain a friendship if I could not stand the person's husband...

//All bets are off if smack is talked. If someone doesn't like Hubby I don't have time for them. I will grow old with him... my loyalty is to him.

Virginia Belle said...

i have had a couple of girlfriends who had dated/married guys i thought were total losers. i found that as long as i kept my mouth shut and never expressed my opinion on their man, we could remain friends just fine.

but unfortunately, i have a big mouth!

it's really REALLY hard to remain friends with someone when you see their significant other as a majorly bad, big life decision. i mean, one of these guys was a pot head, college drop out who is STILL a bartender and STILL smoking pot. UGH. i still can't believe she married him!

(Just thought i'd offer it from the other side of the coin.)

crap. this comment makes me sound like an asshole.

does it help that i can say i have learned my lesson? i ALWAYS keep my mouth shut now. :)

but when you see a friend make, what in your opinion is a huge mistake, the friendship rarely recovers. it sucks, but it's true.

Anonymous said...

My best friend I can't staaaand her husband. But I agree with the others as long as you don't express your opinion your fine.

We've been best friends since we were in high school....and her choice in men doesn't effect our friendship one bit. It's her I'm friends with not him!

AKA Christy (not anonymous! hee)

Denise said...

It's frickin' impossible! You have to live with the Man, not the friend.

Erica Ortiz said...

Not in every case, I don't think.

I've remained friends with someone whom I HATED their significant other. I mean, the guy ABUSED her, and she had that battered woman syndrome that made her think it was her fault or okay. So, I TOLD her what a douche I thought he was, but I couldn't abandon her as a friend.

We just agreed that I was NOT supportive of his actions, that I did not want part of any activities that involved him, and that if she WANTED my help to free herself from him that I'd be there for her.

We stayed friends, we didn't discuss him, and then when her world finally fell apart, I was there to pick up the pieces for her.

Daddy Dan said...

No, you're not wrong at all.

And why doesn't your "friend" like your husband? Does she really have a valid reason? I'm guessing not. She needs to grow up, I'd say.

Jenna said...

I'm in this situation. One of my friends does not like my husband. It has strained our friendship, and then I kind of realized a few years ago that if she really were my friend, maybe she would support me. My husband and her husband used to be best friends - and had been since high school. They are not on the best of terms either anymore...I think there is too much strain coming from both sides of the picture. At the same time, I'm like, why should I waste my time on this person. I just feel like it is not worth it, you know?

Neurotic Grad Student said...

Yeah, you're wrong. I strongly dislike my best friend's husband. It started when he hit her when they were dating, strenghtened in intensity when he threatened to kill me over the phone, and then turned into outright hostility when their son was born and he couldn't be trusted to be left alone with the child.

BUT, because my best friend is my best friend, we simply avoid talking about him. I'm perfectly cordial to him on the rare occasions when our paths cross as he is to me, but we do not like each other.

Basically, I don't want her to feel isolated because of him. We just don't talk about him. If she opens up a conversation about him, I listen, I comment, but I do not pass judgment. But rarely do we have these conversations. But I know that she knows that if she ever needs anything from me, it's hers. Even if her husband is a total and complete jackass.

Jill said...

Nope your to honest with your feelings to do that. Thumbs down!

Karen said...

Maybe I am wrong on this one, but I think you can maintain friendships with someone who doesn't like your spouse.

One of my best friends is married to a real bastard. I pretty much hate him and she knows it. But she is still my friend. I am still the person she comes to when he smacks her around. And she is still the person I go to when I have a problem.

We both acknowledge that I can't stand him and she is ok with that.

SLynnRo said...

I'm surprised that I am not inclined to agree with you on this one. I have a friend who married someone really horrible (verbally abusive and whatnot). I am no longer friends with her because she couldn't deal with the fact that I didn't like him, but I could have been friends with her still in spite of the that.

Anonymous said...

My best friend's hubby is really annoying. He rubs me the wrong way. He thinks he is funny but it just comes across as immature. She tries to please him so much that unless he is at work, I don't see, talk or meet with her. And he has a job where he is off alot. She just doesn't want to deal with his petty remarks about her neglecting him for her friends, so even if she is with her girlfriends, she lies to him and tells him she is running errands, etc. This is the only thorn in our relationship, so we limit our time to occasionally with our spouses, but mostly just girls only. I considered cooling our friendship because I don't like being around her hubby, but I want her friendship so we compromise.

carrie said...

I don't think so. I would not be able to be myself, it would be awkward, I think.

Smug said...

Well, I did not like my sister's first husband at all. He is no longer her husband, but still the father of my nephew and he is just as worthless a father as he was a husband. When they were married, I supported my sister and still hung out with them, but I never liked him. The difference is that I never came right out and told her that I did not like him. I probably made some comments that clued her in to my true feelings, but I never said it in so many words.

She now sees what I saw all along, but admits that had I said anything firm at the time, she would have cut me out. She was loyal to him and would have chosen him over me if it came to that.

Everyone seems to really love my husband, but if someone did not like him, I would probably not be able to be friends with that person.

I'm Still Me said...

I don't have a lot of friends that I interact face to face with every day but I do know if they didn't like my husband it would suck and I probably wouldn't be able to spent time with them.

Tammy said...

I think what it boils down to is…. why don’t they like them in the first place? I think most friends only want the best for each other and its hard to sit by quietly while their best friend is being abused, disrespected etc. At the same time, I think if they just find their significant other annoying, they should deal with it out of respected for their friend. I've been in a situation where my best friend’s boyfriend was a condescending, manic-depressive sloth who sat on her couch all day long playing computer chess, informing her of all of her so called shortcomings. I stayed quit for a very long time until I saw her go from a strong, independent, single mom to someone who believed she was worthless. Only then did speak up. Before I did, I had to ask myself… what is my responsibility as her best friend? Do I sit by quietly watching her self-esteem deteriorate in front of my eyes and her child or do I speak up. It strained our relationship for a few years but in the end, our bond is much stronger then that. She knew all along I only wanted the best for her. It took 8 very long years but he's gone and she's finally happy again.

Kristin said...

Not if they've told me they don't like him!!

J from Ireland said...

I agree with you, it would be difficult to be around someone who hated my hubbie. Although I have friends with hubbies that are a bit prickish but I would NEVER say it!

Anissa Mayhew said...

My best friend's husband cheated on her...left her with 2 kids and went to live with his new gal pal. This was over 9 years ago, they made up, they had child #3 and they are very happy together.

That said, I spent years of anger and resentment on this man and what he did and all the hurt he caused. I had to withdraw from the friendship for a while because I know she didn't need my issues with her husband on top of her own issues with him. I just could not like him and I couldn't fake it for her.

We are friends, we are tight as ever, her hubs and I have dealt with our relationship (because we actually had one, not just someone you know as related to someone else). I love my friend, I want to love the person she chooses to live her life with. you can't just pretend that person doesn't exist.

Gini said...

What? Is she crazy? That is a no with a capital N and a capital O.

Ellie said...

It's my friends' wives I have problems with. I have an inordinate number of friends with lame wives. Why, I ask, why?

Becky said...

this is easy. no i could not be friends with them. how could someone NOT like matt? if they didn't they obviously have issues. LOL

CAT said...

first of all....I am trying to figure out how someone couldnt get along, like, or have fun with Point after they've met him. seriously. I liked him before we met, and totally liked him after (not like that freaky starbuck fly hater so shut it)---I dont think I could be comfortable hanging with someone that didnt like my Chris. I would think about it the whole time I was with that friend---and so would my hubby! He'd want to know why I wanted to hang with someone that didnt like him! I think it would cause problems.

bernthis said...

I have that issue but I'm lucky that I don't live close to those friends and don't socialize much with them. However, that being said, I love them enough that I would certainly tolerate the hubs to be with my girlfriends. Really. I tossed my ex to the curb and what drove me nuts is the few "friends" that told me how much they liked him even after all they knew he had done to fuck up my life. That was a problem and i"m not friends with them anymore.

Scum said...

Speaking as someone who doesn't really like the wife of a friend... The friendship was more important than who he married, so I sucked it up and got over it.

If you have a friend that can't do that for you, they're no friend at all.

Mick said...

All relationships are acceptance of the other. We are all different and judgement by others is b those who should concentrate on themselves.
I am ASD ADHD and it is problematic as I do not act correctly a lot. My wife has hard times with this and deservedly so, but peoples judgement of others without knowing what is real causes is more problematic, as they hurt the feeling of all through there ignorance. It is most disappointing when those who are gossiping, actually have people close to them that that give tolerance too, even though they have problems.
A marriage or partnership is not to be divided by others. Friend either Accept or sadly do not want to be a true friend.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I have a similar issue. His best friend and I don't get along at all. I find him to be such a bad influence -- very immature, and tending to poke my husband about his relationship with me.

What hurts me most is that my husband still goes out with this guy. I know they've been friends for a good while, but I want to be chosen over this man-child. I've turned a close friendship of mine in to an acquaintance very early on because she did not like my husband. I feel that my husband isn't reciprocating with his friend whom I find destructive and untrustworthy. Ugh.