i drive to work every morning and it's during that alone time (pretty much the only alone time i have throughout the entire day) that my head starts to swirl with all sorts of thoughts. i think about things i'd like to blog about... i remember certain times, have lots of conversations with myself in my head.. etc. i've been meaning to write about this, but it's like once my alone time is over, so are all my thoughts. at least in any cohesive manner.
there are plenty of times when i feel like i'm not so nice to my husband. and i wonder why he puts up with me? why he continues to be nice to me when i'm not so nice to him. and then i also think that my god, if he said to me some of the things i say to him, i'd be really hurt, or mad, or upset, or something. and then i ask myself why i treat him that way? and i don't have an answer. i obviously don't want to intentionally hurt him. i don't want to be mean to him. i don't get joy from being a bitch. sometimes i think just being a bitch comes so easily to me it's hard to stop it. i know that's not really an excuse. i just don't have the answers. maybe i'm stressed out at work? maybe i'm upset that i feel like i have a lot of pressure when it comes to things financial in our household? maybe i'm more upset about other things than i realize? maybe everything with my dad affects me more than i choose to acknowledge? i truly don't know. but i don't like it when i'm mean. at least when i'm mean for no reason (because being mean for a reason is totally acceptable, ha). i wouldn't want to be treated that way. you know? so i've got to work on that. stop being mean just to be mean. check. stop being a bitch when he doesn't deserve it. check. (and please don't think i'm mean all the time and oh poor boyfriend.. it's not that. i just feel like i'm meaner than necessary and i truly, don't mean to be.. i'm just aware of it and i want it to stop.)
i think it's so easy to get caught up in your day to day activities that you stop appreciating what you have. who you have. i mean, i love my husband. i love him more than it should be legal to love another person. but there are days, not when i forget that (i never forget that), but that i just don't stop to think about it. no, that's not it at all. it's that i don't stop to tell him just how much i truly love him. i take it for granted. i take him for granted. like he doesn't need to hear how much i love him. like he should just know. and that's not right.
because i remember the times when him and i were seperated by distance. when we dated and he was in northern california and i was in southern. and how it felt to be apart when that was the last thing i wanted. i remember when all we had was phone calls and the occasional visit that never last long enough and never came again soon enough. i was a single mom. he had a stupid job that paid him nothing. sometimes it was so hard to be physically apart from him that i thought my heart wouldn't be able to take it for one.more.day. i remember hoping for the time to come when we wouldn't have to leave eachother when the weekend was over. when all i wanted was to come home to him. wake up next to him. have him there, if only just to annoy me with his presence- it would still be better than not having him around at all. i dreamt about those days. and now i have them. i have to force myself to think back to these moments because now they seem like they were a time that was so far away. such a far off part of our past it's hard to remember and easy to forget. but i need to remember those days, so that i can remember what it felt like. what i felt like when i didn't have him here everyday. when it was all i wanted. when he was all i wanted.
he still is.
and i just want him to know.