Wednesday, August 06, 2008

taking love for granted

i drive to work every morning and it's during that alone time (pretty much the only alone time i have throughout the entire day) that my head starts to swirl with all sorts of thoughts. i think about things i'd like to blog about... i remember certain times, have lots of conversations with myself in my head.. etc. i've been meaning to write about this, but it's like once my alone time is over, so are all my thoughts. at least in any cohesive manner.


there are plenty of times when i feel like i'm not so nice to my husband. and i wonder why he puts up with me? why he continues to be nice to me when i'm not so nice to him. and then i also think that my god, if he said to me some of the things i say to him, i'd be really hurt, or mad, or upset, or something. and then i ask myself why i treat him that way? and i don't have an answer. i obviously don't want to intentionally hurt him. i don't want to be mean to him. i don't get joy from being a bitch. sometimes i think just being a bitch comes so easily to me it's hard to stop it. i know that's not really an excuse. i just don't have the answers. maybe i'm stressed out at work? maybe i'm upset that i feel like i have a lot of pressure when it comes to things financial in our household? maybe i'm more upset about other things than i realize? maybe everything with my dad affects me more than i choose to acknowledge? i truly don't know. but i don't like it when i'm mean. at least when i'm mean for no reason (because being mean for a reason is totally acceptable, ha). i wouldn't want to be treated that way. you know? so i've got to work on that. stop being mean just to be mean. check. stop being a bitch when he doesn't deserve it. check. (and please don't think i'm mean all the time and oh poor boyfriend.. it's not that. i just feel like i'm meaner than necessary and i truly, don't mean to be.. i'm just aware of it and i want it to stop.)

i think it's so easy to get caught up in your day to day activities that you stop appreciating what you have. who you have. i mean, i love my husband. i love him more than it should be legal to love another person. but there are days, not when i forget that (i never forget that), but that i just don't stop to think about it. no, that's not it at all. it's that i don't stop to tell him just how much i truly love him. i take it for granted. i take him for granted. like he doesn't need to hear how much i love him. like he should just know. and that's not right.

because i remember the times when him and i were seperated by distance. when we dated and he was in northern california and i was in southern. and how it felt to be apart when that was the last thing i wanted. i remember when all we had was phone calls and the occasional visit that never last long enough and never came again soon enough. i was a single mom. he had a stupid job that paid him nothing. sometimes it was so hard to be physically apart from him that i thought my heart wouldn't be able to take it for one.more.day. i remember hoping for the time to come when we wouldn't have to leave eachother when the weekend was over. when all i wanted was to come home to him. wake up next to him. have him there, if only just to annoy me with his presence- it would still be better than not having him around at all. i dreamt about those days. and now i have them. i have to force myself to think back to these moments because now they seem like they were a time that was so far away. such a far off part of our past it's hard to remember and easy to forget. but i need to remember those days, so that i can remember what it felt like. what i felt like when i didn't have him here everyday. when it was all i wanted. when he was all i wanted.


he still is.


and i just want him to know.

18 comments:

h31n0us said...

Taking someone for granted is just something that happens. I make sure I put forth a little effort from time to time so that I try to avoid it. That post was an awesome way to do it.

A Cowboy's Wife said...

Awwww, aren't we sappy today:)

There were a few times when I took my loved ones for granted....it wasn't until my mother-in-law passed so suddenly that something clicked and now I go around telling everone I love them!..LOL

Meg said...

I totally get what you're saying. I was discussing this with a friend of mine who is a huge Oprah fan and she told me she saw an interview with Seal and Heidi Klum. Seal said that he has to think of Heidi as his best friend because the hurtful things he would say to his wife are things he would NEVER say to his best friend. Although I don't put much thought into celebrity relationships, I thought that was really good.

Ok, I've gotta stop posting these horribly long comments.

Missy said...

Oh yes, I'll just click on over to Jennster, she will be hilarious as usual not OMG MAKING ME BURST INTO TEARS.

Lovely post, seriously.

Ellie said...

I know. Kind of early for weeping.

Lovely, though.

Daddy Dan said...

What do you mean you don't mean to be so mean? ;)

Great post, Jennster. I'm sure your husband will appreciate it, but if I was him I'd print it and bring it out next time you start being mean for no reason again.

Alison said...

Are you mean about once a month? I am. :)

Sweet post.

HeatherPride said...

I could have written that post. I am a mean girl too, even though I hate it when I'm like that. So you're not the only one. I guess I better go suck up to my hubby today too!

Mike said...

Great post. Been there, done that. When you spend time with someone you find the "buttons" to push to irritate your partner.

Print out your post, tape to the mirror in your bathroom and re-read it when you need to. And it shows to your husband that your aware and love him.

I lost my first wife by not appreciating her and pushing her buttons. Regret it everyday...

Don Mills Diva said...

I think you just told in the loveliest possible way...:-)

Jill said...

And this my dear is why he married you to begin with.......:)))) GREAT POST!!!

Jenna said...

I think we have all been there at some point in time. I have often thought about being on the receiving end of my bitterness. I think that nearly turned me 180 degrees for some time. I'm still working on it...I think most of us are.

Very sweet post.

AspieMom said...

Taking love for granted is so easy to do... I think you'd really enjoy this book I just read, Undefended Love. It has really helped me understand why I'm mean when I have no right... and how to get past that.

Surprised Suburban Wife said...

Oh baby I can RE-LATE to that whole acting bitchy and mean and taking the most wonderful man for granted stuff. Well said. Going to hug my husband now:)

Busy Mom said...

I needed this. Thank you.

Becky said...

thanks for making me cry this early in the morning. we talked about this somewhat recently. i'm glad you blogged it because it's something that we all need to read.

Anonymous said...

I came here via chickenliver/blurbomat.

Did you see what he said about you?

What an asshole.
So basically we would be NOTHING without Dooce, and she wonders why people call her Jesus, Santa or Mythical Hobbits, it's because she fucking acts like she is!!

Dooce didn't start blogger, or Alphamom or any of those things, but apparently we could not make money off of our blogs with out Heather.

Okay I see the end of the Dooce empire after her books flops (because her first one sucked). It's coming to an end and I for one will be glad.

Anonymous said...

Aww, crap. I so needed to read this today. I was mean to my girlfriend this morning. I mean, she was acting like an ass but did I need to get THAT bent out of shape about it? No. I need to remember to be a little more appreciative, too.

Ugh. Why can't it just be easy??

-- Kristin