for those of you who don't know, i started this blog because my grandpa told me once that he read blogs online. see, he has parkinson's disease. so while his body is starting to give out on him, his mind is as sharp as ever. he likes to keep himself occupied and busy by reading things online. so i figured if he was reading anyone's blog, well it should be mine dammit! and so, this blog was born (about 3 years too late if you ask me).
right now my grandfather is in the hospital. he's too weak physically to take care of himself. my grandma can't take care of him physically either (she doesn't have the strength to lift him or help him walk around). he made a very smart decision to go somewhere where people can take care of him. but i can only imagine how difficult that decision must have been for him. i mean, when you're completely 100% mentally aware of what is going on around you, yet you can't communicate it, how fucking frustrating would that be?!?! when you want so badly to just stand up and walk around, but you simply can't.do.it. how does that effect your ego, your mental state, etc?? i truly can't imagine. i can't. and that makes me feel so badly for my grandpa. because i know that he would much rather be able to walk around by himself. he'd like to be able to take care of himself and not need anyone to do it for him. i mean, who wouldn't?
this post has strayed because all i really wanted to do was to tell my grandpa the following:
dear superstar grandpa,
you always believed in me. you have always been my number 1 fan, even when no one else was. you were the one person who always pushed me to go for my dreams. you always reminded me that i was good on the radio. you complimented my personality, and my voice- and you always made me feel like i was awesome! whenever i did any shows on the radio, you wanted to hear them. i would call you after any show to talk to you about it. and tell you about it. you would remind me to bring my tapes when i came to visit so that we could listen to them together. and then when technology improved, you would listen online, or at least watch the in studio camera's so you could see me. you never missed anything. you never wanted too. and that was probably the best part for me.... that you were genuinely interested in my pursuit of radio. and you really thought that i could make it. that is one thing i will cherish forever because you were the one person who really patted me on the back, supported me, and made me feel like i wasn't crazy for wanting to do this. when everyone else would say things like, "i hope you have a backup plan"or "well what if you DON'T make it?? then what??" and i didn't want to hear shit like that. you know? well you never said anything like that. ever. you always told me i could do it. you believed in me. and i know i've thanked you for all of this before, i just want to thank you again. because i need to make sure you know just how much that meant to me. how much i needed someone to believe in me the way you did. and how i'm grateful that it was you.
we have a bond. you know it. you may not admit it (you're a tad stubborn you know) but you know it's true. it's okay if i'm your favorite grandchild.. i won't tell the others. ha. know what else i remember? i remember being a kid and going to your house in north hollywood- i remember roller skating around your swimming pool. why did you guys let me do that? lol i also remember always going to kentucky fried chicken and getting tons of mashed potatoes for lunch everytime we came to visit. it was like our tradition. i loved those damn mashed taters. i also remember spending the night one time. and you guys took me out to a fancy restaurant in malibu. i remember throwing up when we got home. i think i was sick all night. don't ask me why i remember these things, i just do! i also remember how you guys would always have those stupid gummy candies in that container thing that you still have today! and how we would always fill up a bag of them to take on the car ride home. ahh, i remember cindy (the dog) and you know what else? i totally remember you and grandma taking me and sue to school to go roller skating. and you and grandma put on roller skates and roller skated with us. seriously, do you know how awesome you guys are?
well gramps- i just wanted to send you this note because i want you to know how much i love you and how much i appreciate you. i hate that you're in a hospital, but i'm proud of you for doing what's best for you and for grandma. i know it must be difficult. thank you for everything you have always done and said to me. i hope that someone makes sure you read this. or else i'll be pissed. :)
your favorite granddaughter!