Thursday, May 15, 2008

open letters to those i love-

dearest brother from the same mother,

i realize that you like to call me lots to gossip and talk about these totally awesome big boobied chicks you are dating (which is hilarious by the way), but you have to cut me some slack. i know you somehow think that i am intentionally not answering the phone when you call.... as if i look at the phone and go, "omg, it's my brother. HIDE!!!! wait. don't hide. RUNNNN! no wait. he can't see me. just don't pickup the phone. yes! brilliant!!!!" no matter how many times everyone in our family tells your crazy ass that i am so busy at work, work late almost everynight, am running around like a pyscho for blake's baseball and working on this new dumb house that needs lots of tlc, etc... you somehow think i am conspiring against you and your phone calls. please... for the love of my sanity (what little of it there is left).. stop taking my non answering ways personal. k? really. it's not like i don't call you back ever! i love you and want to talk to you- just not when i can't actually hold a conversation with you. i know, i'm a total bitch. :)
xoxo
your phone hating sister



dear boyfriend (aka husband),

when you tell me that it's "totally hot" that i'm working late and it "turns you on," please don't expect me to be turned on when i get home. i'm fucking tired. and not to mention, hungry.
xoxo
your wife who doesn't like working late dammit



dear lady who birthed me,

i figured that since certain people cannot call you by your proper (not to mention legal) name, i wouldn't either. you will no longer be called "mom." from now on, you will be referred to as the "lady who birthed me" or the "chick who spit me out."
xoxo
the one who was spat


dear gossip girl,

you stole xoxo from me and it's starting to piss me off. i expect royalties.
xoxo
the one who knows that josh schwartz can't think up anything on his own, yet takes credit for it all. christmakah ring a bell?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

TOO FUNNY!

Anonymous said...

Dear Hooch,

Remember when we used to chase Joe-Glenn around because we were obsessed with his uncanny resemblance to you-know-who?

xoxo

The proud owner of Marcelli

RWA said...

Interesting letters ... especially the one to your husband.

Becky said...

he didnt make up christmakuh? who woulda thunk it.

Ali said...

our family has been using the word chrismukah for YEARS. way before the OC made it mainstream :)

Anonymous said...

Aww---I guess you could call me "the bitch" as that is a proper name for a female dog and since you came from the Daisy Hill Puppy farm- that would be appropriate! Too funny- "one who was birthed"! I think I still like being "momster"! H & K xx00xx

Anonymous said...

I just read your blog that contained info about me...how cool, now I am happy, please post pictures of big boobied girls that I am rendering helpless to my charms...love you sis