Tuesday, March 04, 2008

my body is not a wonderland

or any other land, because most "lands" are super fun. you know, like disneyland! now my body might be as big as disneyland, but it's not nearly as fun.

i think that most everything i'll talk about in regards to my body is pretty much how most women feel, or have felt at some point, etc. i don't think myself different than anyone else. i don't think my thoughts unique. but i still have to live with them, no matter how universal they may be.

open letter to my body...

there are times that i love you. okay, love might be a little strong. there are times that i like you. times i am somewhat content with you. and then there are times that i LOATHE you. like now, for instance. you've heard of the freshman 15? well i swear there is a married 15 and i'm suffering from it. and i hate it. and it won't go away. and it's gross. and why won't you just play nice and make it go away while i sleep at night??? sometimes body, i wonder why you hate me so much.

you've never been perfect by anyone's standards. and rarely ever have i been consistantly satisfied with you. the amount you weigh doesn't run my life, but it's always there- on the backburner, waiting to be addressed. and it's probably gotten a little worse as i've gotten older (because dammit, it's so.much.harder.to.lose. i mean, REALLY!!!) body, we've always had "big" thighs and a "ghetto" booty. always. and for the most part, i've been fine with that. i dig the curves and i love our shape. but it's when we start to get a little "too" shapely that i'm not okay with it. LIKE THESE MARRIED 15 FOR PETE'S SAKE CRYING OUT LOUD.
*makes note that body obviously hates being blissfully happy... hence the weight gain*

okay. so where was i? oh right, always had a big ass. always had thunder thighs. check.

sometimes i think you suck and i feel fat and i think fat is such an awful word, and i know i'm not really "fat" perse, but i feel large and chunky and THICK. that's it. thick. and that grosses me out because i.do.not.want.to.be.thick. i am not a steak. hell, i don't even want to be skinny. or thin. i just want to be normal. and by normal, i mean normal for me. not normal for others, or society, or some magazine, or hugh heffner.... normal for me (which still includes some junk in the trunk mind you).

but it's so hard. and why is it so hard? why is it so hard to just like how i look? why?? i mean, here is how fucked up i am. when i eat really well and work out consistantly, i lose weight. and granted, when i lose the weight i feel good about myself (and you body). i might even run around the bedroom naked and allow boyfriend to actually look at me. when i'm dressed, i feel doubly hot. BUT it's not enough for me. looking and feeling good is not enough of a motivator for me to keep me doing it!!!!!!!! because i mentally tell myself it's not worth it. because i want to enjoy life and i want to eat whatever i want. but if i eat whatever i want, i will not weigh what i want to weigh. if i eat whatever i want, i will not look how i want to look. and so i get frustrated. i get frustrated that i can't eat crappy food. so then i eat crappy food. and then i get frustrated that i'm thick like steak (so going to be my new banner next month). and it's this fucking horrible cycle that never ends and i don't know how to find compromise and balance. i don't know how to like what i see when i look in the mirror. i love being able to eat whatever i want, but not at the cost of hating what i see. i love the feeling of enjoying what i see, but not at the cost of dreading each meal.

so tell me body! why won't you just tell me what i can do to make everything piece together nicely? because i know this issue isn't going anywhere and i hate thinking that i will have to deal with this until i die. i don't want to be concerned with my weight forever (but i know i will be because when do you stop caring about how you look altogether?).... i long to find balance. i am so tired of the struggle. the battle. the constant up and down.

i know i should eat a carrot stick right now, but all i want is a girl scout cookie.

i guess i should be lucky we don't weigh 3 times as much, eh body?

click here for more letters.

3 comments:

Alison said...

You are right, all women have their own issues, and we worry about the same things. That said, I think you are lovely just the way you are and I know boyfriend agrees.

I'm like you though---I refuse to give up the Girl Scout cookies and the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Life is too short, dammit, to just eat celery and carrots. What fun is that??? So, I try to exercise 3 days a week and I also eat whatever I desire...and if I never lose any weight or get any fitter, I figure at least I'm not getting any bigger either. Right? Right.

Besides you, my two best friends right now are Samoa and Tagalong. :)

carrie said...

I could have written that letter. Not as well as you did, but I definitely feel the same.

I don't want to be thick like a steak anymore.

Damn girl scouts anyway.

Crystal said...

I think you are right also...I feel that you only live once, and God sure isnt going to care if you weigh 100 pound or if you are 300. I live my life to the fullest, and if I want to have 2 pieces of cake........then by God I will!! =)