i guess it's moments like these that hit me just how fucked up i am on the inside about everything that has happened with my dad.
i was listening to the radio this morning and i heard a song. the words made me keep listening and before i knew it, i was totally crying. it was a song about a guy coming to ask the father for permission to marry his daughter & how the boyfriend sees her as this amazing woman and how the dad will always see her as his little girl.. (all the lyrics are here) i can't listen to songs like that anymore. hell, i can barely get through "i loved her first" without completely losing it. and when that happens, i realize how tragic and sad this whole situation truly is. and how i'm simply not okay. because if i was okay, those damn songs would not bring on the waterworks that they do. i would not be brought to tears on my freaking way to work. dammit.
i guess the saddest part for me is knowing how close my dad and i used to be. how i was the epitome of a "daddy's girl." how he was the only MAN in my life for almost 30 years until i met my husband. and how i know now that my husband is more of a man than my father ever was, or ever will be. but it still affects me. i find myself worried about things i don't think i would have worried about if my father hadn't left my mother. i mean, who the fuck leaves their wife when they're that age? i don't want to be the person who thinks her relationship could end at anytime... that my husband might leave me when we're 60 for some whore 20 years younger. i don't want to think about these things. i don't want these scenarios in my head. my husband is not my father. i know all of this. i promise you i do. but how can my father's actions NOT affect me?!?! please, someone tell me if you know how to seperate the two.
while things like this make me sad when i sit down and think about them, i have to clarify. i think that the sadness i feel is more like a type of grieving... as if i'm mourning a loss. the loss of having my father in my life. the loss of the father i thought i knew. the loss of respect. the loss of innocence. millions of seperate feelings that all link together. i'm not angry anymore that my dad chose not to attend my wedding. that too, is in the "sad" category. not sad for me really, but i think it's sad for him- as a father and as a person. it's something i'll never understand. but that's because it's something he'll never truly admit or own up to the real reasons for not attending. he'll project his not coming onto me and blame me until he dies probably. and even that doesn't make me mad anymore. it's just pathetic. it's sad to know that i'll never have the kind of relationship i once did with my father. it's sad to think that he'll probably never really be involved in my life, or my kid(s) lives again. it's sad to feel as if my father has left me and that i have no father at all anymore (i know that's not really fair and kind of fucked up, but his actions have made me feel uncared for, replaced, and abandoned). it's sad to know that i can't think of another word for sad.