Thursday, February 07, 2008

and then i cried in my car..

i guess it's moments like these that hit me just how fucked up i am on the inside about everything that has happened with my dad.

i was listening to the radio this morning and i heard a song. the words made me keep listening and before i knew it, i was totally crying. it was a song about a guy coming to ask the father for permission to marry his daughter & how the boyfriend sees her as this amazing woman and how the dad will always see her as his little girl.. (all the lyrics are here) i can't listen to songs like that anymore. hell, i can barely get through "i loved her first" without completely losing it. and when that happens, i realize how tragic and sad this whole situation truly is. and how i'm simply not okay. because if i was okay, those damn songs would not bring on the waterworks that they do. i would not be brought to tears on my freaking way to work. dammit.


i guess the saddest part for me is knowing how close my dad and i used to be. how i was the epitome of a "daddy's girl." how he was the only MAN in my life for almost 30 years until i met my husband. and how i know now that my husband is more of a man than my father ever was, or ever will be. but it still affects me. i find myself worried about things i don't think i would have worried about if my father hadn't left my mother. i mean, who the fuck leaves their wife when they're that age? i don't want to be the person who thinks her relationship could end at anytime... that my husband might leave me when we're 60 for some whore 20 years younger. i don't want to think about these things. i don't want these scenarios in my head. my husband is not my father. i know all of this. i promise you i do. but how can my father's actions NOT affect me?!?! please, someone tell me if you know how to seperate the two.

while things like this make me sad when i sit down and think about them, i have to clarify. i think that the sadness i feel is more like a type of grieving... as if i'm mourning a loss. the loss of having my father in my life. the loss of the father i thought i knew. the loss of respect. the loss of innocence. millions of seperate feelings that all link together. i'm not angry anymore that my dad chose not to attend my wedding. that too, is in the "sad" category. not sad for me really, but i think it's sad for him- as a father and as a person. it's something i'll never understand. but that's because it's something he'll never truly admit or own up to the real reasons for not attending. he'll project his not coming onto me and blame me until he dies probably. and even that doesn't make me mad anymore. it's just pathetic. it's sad to know that i'll never have the kind of relationship i once did with my father. it's sad to think that he'll probably never really be involved in my life, or my kid(s) lives again. it's sad to feel as if my father has left me and that i have no father at all anymore (i know that's not really fair and kind of fucked up, but his actions have made me feel uncared for, replaced, and abandoned). it's sad to know that i can't think of another word for sad.


Stephanie A. said...

Huge hugs to you, Jenn. This is tough. My SIL has been going through this for a few years now and I think she finally got over the absence of her dad in her life and has moved on. But this took many years because it really is as hard as it feels. It was a similiar situation, similar age group.

Hang in there. *smooch*

Nice Beginnings said...

Wow- talk about hitting close to home. I have felt every single one of those emotions and know what it is like trying to pull yourself together in your car. It has been 8 yrs for me and it is still difficult. I try to explain to people that the situation with my father is like having a big scab--It heals, but not completely... one thing happens and the scab comes off and it just oozes raw emotions. Then it slowly heals... until the next time....My husband went through my parents divorce with me-it changed me-it really did. To separate the two, I think back about how my husband(not married then) had the opportunity to walk away b/c my situation was so F**ked up at the time. He stayed--which makes him more of a man than my father will ever be.

jennster said...

nice- omg, same here. hell, boyfriend and i had only been dating a mere 5 months i think when this all happened and went down. he was there for me, every step of the way. he still is. he is so understanding about it all, and he could have walked away. he could have left and not dealt with this shit, but he didn't. it's just still so hard. i know he's not my dad, but they do have similiarities, and maybe that's what scares me. now what once was what i wanted (similiarities to my father) are now like.. OMG, don't be like my dad!!!!!!! know what i mean??

Nice Beginnings said...

I get it, believe me. My husband has so many of the same qualities- it is so damn scary. So many times he has said to me..."I am not your father" I have my own insecurities, don't get me wrong- but we went through it together. He saw me at my lowest. I know he stayed because he wanted to and continues to stay because he loves me. I can't (or refuse to) wake up worrying everyday that maybe my husband will do the same thing my father did--what fun is that?? It is all about fun, right?

jennster said...

it is all about fun, and someone emailed me and said that her husband told her that she can't let her father run or ruin her life. he made his decisions and it's her choice to allow his actions to ruin or affect her life... something like that. lol. it's hard. i am just searching for balance and the way to seperate, and let go.

Alison said...

You'll probably never forgive him for what he did and I don't blame you, but I hope that some day (soon) you and your dad can talk and move forward. What you had was special and I know he misses you just as much as you miss him.
Life's too short.

Chase said...

My father did some mighty shitty stuff to me and it haunted me for years (though not always on the surface).

Honestly, the only way I was able to move on was to make a conscious effort to realize that he is a human with flaws and mistakes, makes his own life and that I'm not bound to that...and then I had to forgive him completely.

Forgiveness is the key to it all. You don't have to like it or forget about what happened...but if you don't forgive, that grudge will keep you down and always having to pull over to cry.

Karen said...

I don't have any helpful words, but you need a big hug. That song makes me cry too.

Phoenix said...

Hugs to you. Seriously that's just a f'ed up situation.

One thing and I know this doesn't change anything, but you're married to an awesome guy and you're raising an amazing little boy. When you get sad, try and think about them.

Anonymous said...

Forgive me for saying, but your entry is all about you and how you feel and had sad you are by someone else.

It's not about you. It's about your dad. He's simply another person out there who just happens to be someone's father. He's as perfect and imperfect as any human being and all you can do is accept... or try to accept the person for who they are ... not who you want them to be with all your heart. That person may have never truly existed ... but if he existed to you when you were younger, be thankful for that. You know?

jennster said...

anon- well of course it's all about me, i'm writing about MY feelings.
the person i thought he was, obviously does not exist- and there is a grieving that goes along with learning that, and then finally accepting it. it's a hard habit to break after thinking someone is a certain type of person for most of your life. i'm not ready to be thankful quite yet. i'm still just sad.

Meg said...

I think you are totally justified in your feelings. My parents have been married for 41 years and I know if something happened to that relationship, I would fall apart. It's just natural, especially when you were once so close.

I hope it gets better with time, but I really don't know. Hugs to you, Ster.

I Understand said...

Oh, Jenn. We need to sit down and have coffee together. I am relating to you in so many ways right now.

My relationship with my Dad has left me feeling so sad and disappointed through the years. It is a grieving process that is so hard.

I'm sorry your Dad chose not to come to your wedding. And I'm angered that he is trying to blame it on you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You are a lovely and vibrant woman. Don't let his poor behavior quench your spirit.

I recently married, too, and have had the same worries about abandonment. While there are no guarantees in this life, I know that my husband has a character and integrity that my father never had. I know that when my husband took his vows to me, it was for life. I can't spend my life worrying. I trust that my hubby meant what he promised, and he reassures me of that regularly.

Don Mills Diva said...

I'm so sorry Jenn - it doesn't matter how long you've been an adult your parents actions still affect you so much. HUGS.