when i saw my dad in tahoe before my wedding, he made several references to me being an "adult" now. or me being a "grown up." it was as if to say that since i was an "adult" i shouldn't be bothered by what he has done. that his actions shouldn't affect me at all.
realistically, should i be unaffected that he's a cheating bastard with no moral compass and a complete and total coward because i'm an adult? oh, now that i'm a grown up with a family of my own, i shouldn't care that he left my mom for another woman? who thinks like this? who realistically thinks that their child won't be affected by their actions? my father i suppose. someone who makes excuses for his behavior to be okay. someone who twists everything around so he is never at fault. someone who manipulates the truth so he doesn't have to live with any guilt.
i just want to say that if my parents had split up when i was younger... if my dad had cheated on my mom and left her when i was a teenager, i would have been devastated then as well. and i'm sure it would have shaped me and i'd be a slightly different person who was most likely less trusting of men and probably more jaded and bitter. i can only imagine what it would have been like to have to deal with that at that age.
but the flip side is that i grew up for most of my life thinking my parents had a certain kind of relationship. thinking my father was a certain type of person. assuming he was a certain type of man. so finding out as an adult that he is none of things you thought he was, is possibly even more devastating. learning certain things that makes you think you never even knew the man at all.... he was never what he seemed to be. how can he tell me that i shouldn't be affected? because i'm not a kid anymore? well i'm still HIS kid. he is still my father. the only father i have ever known and had in my life.
why am i making excuses or trying to justify why i feel bad? i have the fucking right to feel bad. i have every right to feel bad. every right to think he sucks and this sucks- it's just that him acting and telling me that it shouldn't bother me... is well.. BOTHERING ME. and that alone bothers me. i pretty much think that if i was 50 and he had done this, i would still be affected. i can't stop caring about what my parents do to eachother just because i don't live in their house with them anymore. just because their decisions don't affect where i'm going to school, or where i'm going to live, etc... as a basic human being and their child- what they do will always affect me. especially if it's mean. especially if it's hurtful. especially if it sucks. how could anyone ever think otherwise?