Thursday, January 24, 2008

and while we're on the subject

of heath ledger and michelle williams (or at least i still apparently am)......
all of this reminds me of and is part of probably what makes me feel so deeply for michelle-

have you ever lost anyone tragically, or suddenly- or hell, just ever lost anyone at all? doesn't even have to be in death. just experiencing a loss that hurts you so badly you think you'll never be able to breath the same way again?

i've lost friends suddenly. i've lost them tragically. i've lost them all in "accidents." and all of this hurting and grieving just reminds me of what it's like to feel this way. and how, when you wake up in the morning, there is that ever so split second (if that) where you think everything is okay. where your brain hasn't quite remembered yet that you've just lost someone. for that all too brief moment, your world is normal again. and your heart is whole.

but then your world comes crashing down all around you as your mind, your heart, and your body react all over again to the shock and the pain of your new reality. the loss floods every pore of your being. it consumes you. and you have to relive the heartbreaking pain as if it was brand new. you feel the shock almost as strongly as you did when you first found out. and there are days of this cycle. hell, months of it. just repeating itself every morning. each time you wake hoping it was all a bad dream. and each time, your mind reminds you how it wasn't. and your heart breaks one more time. and so you close your eyes, hoping that if you close them tight enough, or hold them shut long enough, you can make it all a dream... so when you open your eyes again, everything will be as it was.

but it never is again.

and neither are you.

the good thing about this? it fades with time. the mornings stop becoming so shocking. you wake up with your new reality already in place. your heart is different, but it no longer breaks with each wake up call. you've accepted the loss. you've grown accustomed to the fact that they are no longer around.

and that in itself can be heartbreaking.

10 comments:

MelissaMM said...

Very poignant, Jenn. You're right, it all does eventually fade but in the recesses of your heart & mind, the pain is always there.

Theresa said...

You just described how it feels to go through a divorce.

The pain does go away, you forgive, you move on, but in the recesses of your mind, you still feel the loss.

Great post Jenn.

Karen said...

You put those emotioins in to words very well.

Becky said...

so true

Phoenix said...

Dam everyone is making me cry today.

Great post, truly.

Don Mills Diva said...

I lost my best friend 12 years ago next Tuesday. It never really goes away - it fades but when it does you feel guilty for letting it fade...

Andie said...

very touching. and it's true. I've been through it myself... it's especially hard when it's so unexpected.

Starshine said...

I've been there, too. That first split second of the morning thing is so true. I think, though, that your heart's capacity to be broken is a testimony to its ability to love deeply. It can only be broken as much as it has loved. It is admirable to feel such pain and continue to love deeply in your relationships with friends and family.

Mom101 said...

This is very sweet Jenn. I think a lot of people are touched by this death in part because of his young kid. Such a waste.

mel from freak parade said...

This was beautifully written. My step-dad passed away this summer. You described the feeling exactly.