Tuesday, September 18, 2007

if i die, go love someone else.

why does everyone say to their spouse that if they die, they want them to go on and find another love? i'm serious. it seems that every couple who has this conversation... the potential "what if" conversation about death.. they all come to the same conclusion- "be happy. love again."

why?!?!? i mean, it's not that i would want boyfriend (or husband even) to be miserable, but why the fuck can't he happy and alone?! lol - i'm serious though! i mean, i get it that no one wants the love of their life to be miserable forever. you don't want them to be so consumed with grief that they stop living their life. i get all that. but why can't he find happiness by himself? why does he HAVE to love someone else?

i realize how fucking ridiculous this sounds as i type it. i realize how it's selfish and probably immature, or something as equally sucky. but it's just that when i think about the type of love that boyfriend and i share... and just how rare i think it all is.. i simply don't ever want to be replaced. even when i'm dead. i guess there is a part of me that feels that if he could just move on and love again, then he really didn't love me the way he claimed to in the first place. i feel like the type of love we share isn't something that someone else could just come in replace. i do not have shoes that any other woman in this world could fill. and if he did just move on, and truly love someone deeply again, i would in a way feel like our love was somehow fraudulent. I KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS ALL SOUNDS. i am sure that part of this stems from the fact that i was a single mom for years and didn't "need" anyone in my life to make me happy. i was alone and i was okay with that. ever since meeting boyfriend, i've known that it's either him, or no one. and i mean that. and i'm perfectly okay with that.

another reason probably stems from the fact that i have always wanted to be different. i mean, what girl doesn't want to be that one girl for her guy? ladies, you know what i'm talking about here. you meet a guy who can't be tamed... or won't be tamed... but you're the one who tames him. you're the one who makes him feel things he swore he'd never feel. you want to be the one who is different. the one who matters. the one he wouldn't ever be able to get over if he ever lost- in every sense of the word.

so as boyfriend and i talked last night about the fact that if i croaked, i'd want him to be happy.. but loveless.. he just laughed. then he said something about having needs and i kneed him in the balls. just kidding. but still.. am i really the only person who feels this way? does everyone in the world truly wish more love for their significant other if they weren't around?! and is it totally screwed up for me to be like... be happy, but alone? omg, it is huh?

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

Cause 70 years of "happy alone time" is a lot of hand lotion and hand towels

Becky said...

yes it is LOL. see the thing is i know matt wont "replace" me. i can't be replaced. but i dont want him to grow old w/o someone either. he'd be lonely. i mainly want him to be happy and if marrying someone else would make him happy so he'd have companionship and someone to be with all the time then so be it. i know in my heart that he wont ever replace me. i AM the one for him. and the new whore wife will also know that she'll ALWAYS be 2nd best to him.

Becky said...

i also will add that i will haunt the new whore wife from the grave too. dont think that bitch is gonna sleep in my bed comfortably.

fo said...

ster, i love you

Tehra said...

Becky..I couldn't have worded it better myself. :o)

jennster said...

LMFAO- but becks.. what if she WASN'T!?!? and i'm lol at you haunting her. see, you're NOT fine with it then, if you want to spend your ghost time haunting the new whore! LOL

Jill said...

OK lets reverse it though for a second Jenn. What if the shoe was on the other foot? What if it was him? If you met someone?What would boyfriend say? Would you be upset with boyfriend if he told you that it was OK?

And then there is Blake as well? What would he think or want?

If you met someone and fell in love with someone and he told you, I love you but I can't LOVE you like I love my deceased wife what would be your reaction?

Just food for thought.

Daddy Dan said...

But who'd do the housework? But seriously, I think I would be able to be happy on my own, if forced to. Plus, it'd be very complicated when you got to heaven. I'm not sure how that would all work up there.

jennster said...

daddy dan.. taht cracked me the hell up. seriously- in the afterlife, DO YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH WIFE?!?1?1? omg, really?!?! you bring up a good point.

jill- i think if the significant other dies, no one can ever live up to the memories of a ghost. that person is not alive, so with each passing day they probably become more and more perfect. i don't like competitions, so i probably wouldn't compete... not even with a dead person. lol

Daddy Dan said...

Does anyone have the answer to the multiple spouse question? Maybe you get to have more than one.

Motherhood Uncensored said...

I'm with you. He can take a man lover, but that's about it.

Jenn said...

I agree with Becky. Obviously you wont be "replaced". The second wife will just be like a companion so he's not so lonely....that's all.

Wacky Mommy said...

Heh heh heh heh heh -- this wins my "Most Unusual Post of the Day" award. That I just invented. In my head.

I am demanding in my will that my skeleton be draped across the mantle after I'm gone, just as a reminder. A memento mori, see?

(We don't have a mantle, or a fireplace, so I guess we'd better move before I croak.)

Mike said...

What I want to know is, God for bid this happens, but should Jenn die, have I used up my wife allowance since I've been married before?

Jill said...

What I want to know is how did this conversation come up? Didn't y'all just get married.......LOL! Better things to do? LOL!

Anonymous said...

I used to feel that way until I realized that I would be dead and not have a clue as to what he would be doing. I think it is a sign of insecurity-that they could possibly even think of wanting someone else after you. I finally just let it go and didn't worry about it. I won't be around anyway!

Alison said...

I totally know what you're saying and I agree with you too. How scary is that? Not only do I not want to be replaced, but I don't want some other woman mothering my children. How selfish does that sound? But in my heart, that's how I feel. So, here's how I rationalize (???) it....we're all going to croak together. But, if that doesn't happen and I croak first, I already told the husband that when he gets to heaven, I'M his wife. And we've even had this conversation. Doesn't everyone??

Alison said...

I just re-read my comment and here's what I think of both of us: cuckoo.

Tori said...

It's funny because I have heard of men who adored their wives, they died and within 6 months of their death, they were remarrying. Noone can judge these people because everybody responds differently to death. To be honest, it is mostly men who act this way. I guess they are just less emotional than women and are more pratical about relationships after their love dies especially if there are children involved.

It doesn't negate what you guys had in any way but you have to understand (even if you hate it)that life moves on after someone dies and whatever the one left behind needs to help them live day to day with the loss should be ok, even if that means having other relationships perhaps. Whatever gets you through the day right... and in your case...whatever gets you through the day and allows you to parent the best you can in a sad time should be acceptable.
Sure you'll be making voodoo dolls in heaven...and of course there is an acceptable time where he should weep inconsolably but after that...you gotta let that one go...

Daddy Dan said...

These comments are starting to get serious....

It is scary to think that some stranger (to you today) could end up parenting your child if something happened to you. Guess I'll just have to hang in until the kid's 18.

jennster said...

kristen- thank god SOMEONE sees things my way. it just means we're both crazy, but i'm totally okay with that!

wacky mommy- your comment just made me fucking laugh so hard i think i might pee. and i like the idea, might jump on it. LOL


jill- it's a fucking book i'm reading dammit. bend in the road by nicholas sparks and it has me all bitter. lol


alison- LMFAO! you are crazy, but it's probably why you're my best friend. lol


tori- all i heard was voodoo dolls in heaven and i LIKE IT!

daddy dan- you are cracking me up and making me cry. WHY? WHYYYYYY

CAT said...

I wouldnt want Chris to be alone in life, but I also feel that What we have together isn't replacable. But the new bitch better leave my Christmas shit alone

Karen said...

Before my mom died, she told my sister and I that if my dad met someone else, we were to be happy for him and not be horrible to any new woman....because mom was sure dad would not be able to take care of himself and if he didn't re-marry he would expect my sister and I to take care of him. (And, yes. When you know someone is dying you have a lot of time to have these morbid conversations)

So I guess my mom's thoughts were not so much that she wanted my dad to be happy, as that she wanted her children to be happy.

Becky said...

omg i love cats comment LOL

texas math said...

This might be a little vulgar (so don't let the kids read this comment)...but one time I told Allie that when I die I want her to cremate me and then use my ashes to form a dildo for herself...that way she'd have all the freakin companionship she needed.

I agree with you though...I don't want Allie to be miserable...but I don't want to be replaced either.

Daddy Dan said...

Texas Math,

Yes, just a little vulgar! =)

Kim said...

I say that there are a lot of people out there, and who's to say that you couldn't or shouldn't find another to love. No it's not going to be the same, or really not even comparable. But love is a funny thing. It can appear in many different ways. So don't think that just because he finds a new one that your love together is tainted. It would be a totally different love, in a different time, in a different way.

HeidiChick said...

HA! You are 100% lock step with how I feel on this.

Spousal unit and I had this conversation 4 months ago. He agreed if anything happened to me, he's stay single

(of course, there are kid issues here -I want NO OTHER WOMAN around my kids...MINE MINE MINE!!)

I'm weird, I know, but be loud, be proud.

RWA said...

What is up with women and kicking/kneeing guys in the balls?

Even just talking about it if you aren't doing it?!?!?!??!?!

Sheesh!!!!!!!

Miss Britt said...

Ummmmmm - no. You are not the only person. I don't care what he does when I'm gone, but as long as I'm alive he will swear that IF I die he will spend eternity pining for me.

Sugared Harpy said...

I totally get where a lot of you are coming from...and have felt that way at times in my life.

But now? I am the new bitch.

I am now dating a widower. His wife died three years ago (IN HER THIRTIES) of breast cancer.

He is awesome, wonderful, and he loved his wife. Her death was so hard on him and when he talks of that time, it's the loneliness that stands out. Dark, awful. Don't be so quick to wish that horribleness on the one you love.

What he loved about her is unique. She isn't replaced, she can't be. But I know that I am not her.

I love that he loved her for who she was. I love that he was a good husband. I don't feel that if goes on to love me that he is harming her memory because she is different than me. I also don't feel like I have to live up to her because he likes me for who I am. A completely different person.

Anne Glamore said...

When my mom died, several credentialed people said that men who remarry had a good experience the first time around.

ie - the remarriage would be a compliment to the past relationship.

I have several friends who've remarried after the death of a spouse, and it is a totally different relationship. The deceased spouse is frequently mentioned BECAUSE of the kids.

Still, I can totally relate.

Becky said...

anne, i think your comment is fantastic. because you offer the other side of the coin. you seem like a great, very grounded person

Becky said...

i meant that to sugared ,not anne. sorry

spidey said...

The idea of Jason remarrying doesn't bother me at all--as long as there is a sufficient mourning period for me! lol

TrojanGuy said...

Why should Trish spend her life mourning me if I'm taking a permanent dirt nap? I doubt that when I'm dead I'll have any idea what Trish is doing (sorry, not really a believer in the afterlife). And even if I COULD see what she was doing, I'd be much happier to see Trish happy with somebody else than sad, alone, and missing me constantly.