why does everyone say to their spouse that if they die, they want them to go on and find another love? i'm serious. it seems that every couple who has this conversation... the potential "what if" conversation about death.. they all come to the same conclusion- "be happy. love again."
why?!?!? i mean, it's not that i would want boyfriend (or husband even) to be miserable, but why the fuck can't he happy and alone?! lol - i'm serious though! i mean, i get it that no one wants the love of their life to be miserable forever. you don't want them to be so consumed with grief that they stop living their life. i get all that. but why can't he find happiness by himself? why does he HAVE to love someone else?
i realize how fucking ridiculous this sounds as i type it. i realize how it's selfish and probably immature, or something as equally sucky. but it's just that when i think about the type of love that boyfriend and i share... and just how rare i think it all is.. i simply don't ever want to be replaced. even when i'm dead. i guess there is a part of me that feels that if he could just move on and love again, then he really didn't love me the way he claimed to in the first place. i feel like the type of love we share isn't something that someone else could just come in replace. i do not have shoes that any other woman in this world could fill. and if he did just move on, and truly love someone deeply again, i would in a way feel like our love was somehow fraudulent. I KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS ALL SOUNDS. i am sure that part of this stems from the fact that i was a single mom for years and didn't "need" anyone in my life to make me happy. i was alone and i was okay with that. ever since meeting boyfriend, i've known that it's either him, or no one. and i mean that. and i'm perfectly okay with that.
another reason probably stems from the fact that i have always wanted to be different. i mean, what girl doesn't want to be that one girl for her guy? ladies, you know what i'm talking about here. you meet a guy who can't be tamed... or won't be tamed... but you're the one who tames him. you're the one who makes him feel things he swore he'd never feel. you want to be the one who is different. the one who matters. the one he wouldn't ever be able to get over if he ever lost- in every sense of the word.
so as boyfriend and i talked last night about the fact that if i croaked, i'd want him to be happy.. but loveless.. he just laughed. then he said something about having needs and i kneed him in the balls. just kidding. but still.. am i really the only person who feels this way? does everyone in the world truly wish more love for their significant other if they weren't around?! and is it totally screwed up for me to be like... be happy, but alone? omg, it is huh?