Wednesday, June 13, 2007

there has been wedding drama

i just haven't posted about it.

i mean, how do i say outloud that my dad isn't coming to my wedding? that my dad is choosing to not attend?

i guess i just did.

it's hard to write about this because i'm not entirely sure how i feel. i mean, when i first got the letter from him telling me that he wasn't going to come, i was completely shocked. i read the words, but couldn't possibly believe them. i had just seen him a month prior in tahoe and things were "fine" so how could he be telling me he wasn't coming? i didn't understand. i cried for a moment and then i went blank. i took a breath and the tears stopped falling. and then my insides just went numb. and they've been that way in regards to this, ever since. this constant numbness. it's not pain- because that would hurt like hell. maybe it's a buffer. you know, to stop the hurt. maybe it's just been so constantly painful for the past 3 years, that my heart can't take it anymore? maybe i just don't know anything.

it's hard to put all of this into words. it's hard to make sense out of things that just don't make sense to me. and it's even harder to think that i'm sitting here thinking and feeling all of these things, and he is thinking and feeling the exact same things- but for other reasons. see, i'm not making any sense. let me rewind..

blake is walking me down the aisle. my son. my adorable, charming, little sweetheart of a kid, who i want to be as much a part of this wedding as i can make him, is walking his mom down the aisle. my father, is not. i don't feel bad about this decision. it was the right one for me based upon numerous reasons. i am very content and at peace with my decision to not have my dad walk me down the aisle.

my dad however, is not. he is very hurt. very upset and can't understand how i don't want him to "give me away." he doesn't understand why i can't seperate his cheating and leaving my mother, with the father he was to me. (not taking into account the last 3 years of course). and i don't understand what he doesn't understand about it? and i also don't understand how my child walking with me could possibly be that offensive?!?! i mean, it doesn't get any less offensive than that.

so here we are. he is completely shocked and numbed that i don't want him to walk me down the aisle and i'm completely shocked and numbed that he doesn't want to attend my wedding. i guess in my mind they aren't even the same things. maybe he is just justifying his reasons for not going. maybe in his mind, it makes it all my fault. since i won't give him something, then he won't give me something. but of course, it all stems from my not giving it first. so it's my "fault" right? i just wonder when the blame gets placed on the right shoulders? when the correct person will start carrying the burdon of their actions?


i guess i just don't understand a lot of things... the main one being the fact that my dad can tell me that as long as i'm okay with him not walking me down the aisle, then i should understand how he's okay with not coming to my wedding. but that's the thing.... i don't understand how he can be okay with that. i just don't.

33 comments:

RWA said...

It does appear, at first glance, that he is doing this to be spiteful.

But, hang in there. Maybe he'll change his mind and show up anyway.

Phoenix said...

Jennster, That is so hard and I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine how you feel, but as your father, he should.

However the thought of that awesome little boy walking his mama down the isle gave me goosebumps and made me tear up. I think you made the right choice and I hope to god you post a picture. I'm sure that's something that Blake will always remember.

Stephanie A. said...

OK, I just started to type up this very aggravated response, but then I realized that I really don't know all of the details. All I can say is that you know, you are awesome and I wish you the best. You do not deserve to hurt over this and I hope that everyone around you realizes that.

And go Blake! Your closeness with him is so wonderful that I know it will be so special for him to walk you down the aisle. My eyes are welling just thinking about it.

norcalgirl28 said...

XOXO Hey buddy, I am so sorry that someone has chosen not to celebrate the happiness that is your wedding day because of a choice that you made. I don't think it is a slap in the face at all to your father to have Blake walk you down the aisle. If anything, it makes sense. These past few years have been you and Blake as a team facing life together. Now it is you and Blake who are walking up the aisle to Chris to join the three of you as a family. It makes perfect sense to me. I'm not your dad and I can't get in his head, but I don't see the problem. If someone else's dad was walking you up the aisle, or Jimmy, or someone else...maybe...but his own grandson...can't see it. The symbolism of the way you have it set up is perfect and it works. (and your poor mother is going to fall apart when she sees her baby girl being walked down the aisle by her handsome grandson!!!)

CAT said...

wow Ster.....
I dont know what to say. wait, maybe I do--
Cheating is something that everyone deals with differently. I think that your dad needs to realize that cheating on your mother does effect fatherhood. Was he trying to hurt you deliberatly, of course not. But all the same, the pain effects all that is in a family and until he can realize that, then there will always be what you two have now/ awkwardness. I am sorry that he wont be attending. I think it's wrong and he should be taking baby steps to get back into your heart the way he was before he hurt your mother and the rest of you.
Aside from that........Blake walking you down the aisle is the sweetest thing ever. You really are going to give us a tear jerker aren't you?
Remember, this is YOUR day. Not your Dads......Make youself happy by doing what will make you comfortable.

Karen Rani said...

He is being childish. I really hope he changes his mind. Big hugs to you, sweetheart. I hope the two of you talk it out.
xoxo

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I'm sorry jennster.

I know this must be very difficult for you.

I send you my hugs.

Your son is very important to you and he should be involved in all the ways you want him to...Your dad is a grown up who might be making a poor decision.

I'm sorry. You are caught in the middle.

DDM said...

OOOOOF. Sucker punch from your pa, that one. I realize I don't know all the minutae of your story with your father. So take this with a grain of salt. But I think he's found the one thing he can cling to as what he sees as a decent reason to not attend. I think he really doesn't want to attend because he'll be facing a lot of people that he let down, and he can't admit the reason he doesn't want to go. He's not accepting responsibility for his actions. If you HAD asked him to walk you down the aisle, I wonder if the reason would have then been that he didn't like the colors you'd chosen or because he felt like Blake should have given you away. I think it's a lot of smoke and mirrors from your father and Blake giving you away has NOTHING to do with it.
HUGS Ster. I'm so sorry there is any kind of a gray cloud hanging over your head in regard to your wedding. I know how that is. My most sincere hope for you is that you and boyfriend and Blake are so filled with joy over your day that you don't give the family crap a second thought.

sam said...

I'm sorry his actions have hurt you so much. For what you've said, I agree he sounds like he's doing it to be spiteful.
I wish there was something I could say to make it better, but there isn't. I just hope he changes his mind.

Jill Cameron said...

Hi Jennster

I admittedly have come in on the end of this but started reading your blog by stumbling on to it by complete accident one day. It was so refreshingly honest I could not stop reading. That said I would like to tell you I have gone through something like this myself.

There are no free passes in life and eventually what you put out there comes back to bite you in the ass. And as they say paybacks are a bitch. You made a decision at YOUR wedding to have your son walk you down the isle to join all of you at as a family.
That to me is a fantastic thing.

If he is going to be that petty about your son then so be it I cannot even believe he could be that resentful. Kind of like if I can't have what I want I ain't coming. So be it, his decision not yours and he is going to have to live it.

My Dad decided to do that at the last minute because he didn't like who I married and this was 2 days before the wedding. My best friend walked me down the asile and it was a beautiful wedding and things went off well in spite of his pulling out. Then he had the brass to call me 2 weeks later like it never happened. Words escaped that I couldn't help but to this day he never has apologized for his actions. Life is tough Dad.

You go girl and we wish you all the best and happiness in the world. Your finally going to be a family and the way it should be Dad or not! Maybe your Dad should take Chris lessons on how to stand up and be a Dad. My opinion!

Jill

JayMonster said...

Now, I am not judging your decision, as it it not my place to do so (nor do I know enough even if I wanted to).

That being said, I am not sure why you are at all surprised. Regardless of how you want to view it or justify it, your decision is about as insulting to your father as you can get.

And if he is going to feel "disrespected" like that, I would imagine that the last thing he wants to do, is to spend several hours with people whispering about him behind his back as they notice these events.

At least if he isn't there, well then you have somebody else walking you down the aisle because he was "unable" to attend.

carrie said...

I think Blake is the perfect choice.

I am so sorry, but he is the one who is going to look even more ridiculous in front of your friends and family for not even showing up and acting like a grown-up.

You are doing the right thing!

Carrie

Eileen said...

Sorry you're going through a very painful time with this situation. Maybe one day there will be less drama where your dad is concerned once you let go of the hope that he's ever going to see things from your point of view. I know I currently deal with my mom from the vantage point that I know what's best for her and that she should change in certain aspects. But that's a brick wall I keep running into again and again. One day I will stop trying to change her, and let her be her own flawed self as we all are. I'm not there yet, but I want to be. Have a great wedding day.

jeanie said...

I think DDM has a very good point above. (don't know wtf one of the other posters was on about but that is by the by)

Its not about who cheated whom of what. The important people on the day will be you, your husband to be and Blake. Everything else is icing...

In this day and age, having a father to "give away" the bride is clinging to an outdated tradition - if you want to follow that tradition fine, if not then that should be okay too.

You are not his economic chattel nor living under his roof. You are not becoming someone else's responsibility - you have been your own for a long time.

Blake will not be "giving you away" either, I suspect - but being a part of your ceremony where you and new hub and he become one family in the eyes of your witnesses.

That is what it should be about.

mayberry said...

I'm so sorry Jennster. I'm sorry this is casting a shadow over the day you've been looking forward to for so long. But IMO having Blake walk you in is the only way to go.

Anonymous said...

Dear Jenn,
I have e-mailed you several times as both of us neared the other side of matrimony. Now, I am “done” and can offer only this:
You are single, adult Mommy with a young son and have been making decisions for your life and his for many years. You finally found the man of your dreams, you scoped each other out, lived together, parented together and made the commitment to get married. You envisioned your wedding a certain way, with Blake, your constant companion, walking you down the aisle. That is your vision as an adult, loving, thoughtful and conscientious woman. (I see it more as you and Blake walking towards Boyfriend together, not him giving you away – but that’s just me.)
Dad apparently feels slighted. For whatever wrongs he has done, he still feels offended…NOW. Of course he should just be happy, for you…that you and Blake have found the love of your life and a fabulous Dad, respectively. But he is evidently dealing with his own sh*t.
This is a time simply BREWING with emotions. (I know, I was just there) There is no easy answer.
Just know that you are a strong, decisive, beautiful woman and you are getting married to the man that you love. How you do it…is all just semantics. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.
Lotsa Love,
Vicky

Chase said...

I'm really sorry to hear that. I think having Blake walk you down the aisle will be PERFECT for you, though.

I really hope he changes his mind. He really shouldn't do that to you.

Grim Reality Girl said...

Jenn,

I am so, so, sorry. I wish your dad was a better man than he seems to be. YOU are an awesome mom! You have made a great choice in deciding to have Blake walk you down the aisle. You are strong. You are a good example to him. You have made a GREAT choice to start a life together as a family.

I will hope and pray that your dad wakes up and realizes this wedding is about you and not him. You are more than generous to even comprehen his feelings at this stage. THIS is what I love about you -- you have a big heart. Do not let your big heart break over HIS choice to be (forgive me) foolish. You are special. We know this. You are great. We know this. He sucks for acting like this. We ALL know this.

If he doesn't come around (I suspect he will at the last minute maybe?) then it is HIS loss. YOU will have a special blessed day. YOU will enjoy every freakin minute. YOU are great. Hopefully your dad will learn by watching your example.

BIG HUGS FOR YOU!!!

(((((((((((((((((JEN)))))))))))))))

My prayers are with you and I share your joy over the big day. My Mom cursed her dad as they walked down the aisle (and had a wonderful marriage while here on this earth). You will never curse Blake as you walk down the aisle. Your choice is PERFECT. Do not waiver. I am proud of you!!!!

TeeRish said...

jenn...

you know how i feel about this. it's heartwarming to see so many people here that care for you and want you to not be hurt!

i'm sorry that your dad is being unreasonable, inconsiderate, selfish and...well, he's just not acting like a dad should act. i hope for both your sakes, he grows up fast.

i think that having blake walk you down the aisle is such a perfect way to include him in the ceremony. it's important! it makes sense.

argh! i want these things to be fixed. i want you to not have to deal with this. i want you to not be hurt. =)

Mrs. Chicky said...

With the risk of over-stepping, if your dad is going so far as to boycott your wedding entirely because you, as a grown woman, are having your son walk you down the aisle... Well, I'll just say that I think (for what it's worth) that you made the perfect decision in having Blake give you away. As for your dad, I think he's got some growing up to do.

{{hugs}}

Mike said...

Sounds like your Dad is a bit of a drama queen. Your wedding day is about you and Point, not him. He could be diappointed that he's not walking you down the isle, but he still should be there. You're his daughter for God-sake!

Beth said...

really, I think your son SHOULD walk you down the isle....it's about the new family you're creating, and you want your son to be a part of that...it's not just your wedding, it's kinda his too, ya know?

but I am sooo sorry that your dad isn't even going to come...that's just childish..and spiteful...and mean.

I hope you glow that day and it's the best day of your life.

lots of love

Mommy off the Record said...

Oh Jenn, I am so sorry that your dad is being like this. He should be the bigger person and come to your wedding even though Blake is walking you down the aisle. You've done nothing wrong. I hope he wakes up and gets a clue. He will only be sorry later for missing your beautiful event.

Anonymous said...

Lurker that has no idea how to post properly (yet) Although, I do not know the history of you and your fathers relationship- I must say it sounds a little familiar. My father did the affair too and then treated me like crap for years for whatever reason. I was an adult at the time. My boyfriend and I got engaged and it was a tough emotional time. I decided to have my grandfather walk me down the isle. After all the crap he put me through, I decided that he would not be invited to the wedding. (he did show up for the ceremony, but hid and I never saw him). The point I wanted to make is- Almost 2 years later I regret my decision and think about it almost daily. Just realize I have no pictures with my father on my wedding day, etc. I would not wish that on anyone. Even though I think it is wonderful about Blake walking you down the isle, maybe somehow compromising with your father will help with his decision to come (ie discuss the father/daughter dance)I would hate for someone else to go through with what I have over the last few years- Good Luck and i hope everything works out.

Lawyer Mama said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry. I'm certain that at some point he'll really regret what he's done.

But how wonderul to have your best little guy walk you down the aisle.

Loren said...

Sorry you're going through a hard time, specially with all your wedding preparations and all... Although I have a great relationship with my dad, the day I get married (I've lived with my bf, the father of my son, for 7 yrs. now) I have always thought that it would be with my dad on one side and my son Adrian on the other. IF, the situation was like yours and I didn't have the relatioship that I do with my dad, it would most definitely be only Adrian walking me down the isle... You're making the right choice because it is a REAL TRUE choice; you are not trying to make "appearances" look good, you're doing this for yourself and the new family the wedding is creating. Stay strong and enjoy your day!!

jennster said...

anon- i feel for you in your post. and i thank you for expressing it to me. but for me, it's not like i didn't invite my dad. i invited him AND i wanted him there. the only thing was- no walking down the aisle. so i won't have that guilt because him choosing to not attend isn't my decision. he'll be the one who has to live with the fact that he chose to not come- and he will miss it- and that he sucks. lol

Let's Pretend said...

I know this has to be difficult for you. I only understand part of what you're feeling. My Dad died less than a year beore my wedding and walking down that aisle without him was difficult but I did it because I knew it could never be. Your Dad may change his mind and even if he doesn't he doesn't have to be gone from your life forever. I personally think having your son do it is touching.

Tara said...

How completely ridiculous!

I don't even need to know all the details of what he did to your mother or you in the past, or what your relationship has been like with him. Because his decision is petty, immature, selfish, hurtful, and... I could go on. His decision (and the fact that he wrote it to you instead of telling you?!?! Jesus!) is so telling of who he really is, that other details aren't necessary. By that and your brief mention of his past behavior and now this, I can only say: When people show you who they really are, believe them.

And that is a terrible thing for you to have to process.

On his deathbed, if he ever has a heart at all, he will regret this decision. I hope he does. What a sad and pitiful human being he is.

You've made the right decision and I admire that you have stuck to it. The best thing you can do now is move forward, live a life that is meaningful, rich, and one in which you "show up like a grownup" (to quote Dr. Robin).

I don't want to influence you on this next comment, but if it were me, I would not have further contact with him. I believe we all have a right to CHOOSE who gets access to us, who we let share our lives or any part of our life with us. And that does not include people who have so little regard and respect for others... especially when it's your own daughter! I'm completely appalled. We CHOOSE our families. Personally, I do not abide by the blood-is-thicker-than-water philosophy. But that is your decision to make... I'm only trying to say that if that IS the decision you make, you do not need to ever feel an ounce of guilt over it. You have that right.

Go with grace and be happy,
XOXO

Sarah said...

Jenn, that sucks that he can't put his own feelings aside for your special day after everything you guys have been through.

I absolutely think you made the right decision having Blake walk you down the aisle. Your dad should just get over it and be grateful he was even invited to be there by you. What a shame.

To hell with tradition though. Good for you for deciding what makes sense for YOU, Chris and Blake. You are building your own family here and this is key.

I can relate because I am also not going to have my dad walk me down the aisle when I finally get married. He doesn't know this yet. I am likely just going to walk down myself. No one "gives me away". Some wedding traditions are so ridiculous.

Anyway, I support you 100%. See you soon honey.

xox

mel said...

Coming in very late here, but....my son walked me down the aisle when I got married five years ago. It was absolutely the perfect decision. My son practiced and practiced..walking slowly, giving me a kiss, shaking my husband's hand. It is one of my favorite memories.

I am so sorry that your dad is being so childish.Perhaps he will change his mind. I hope that he does. But whether he does or not, your wedding is going to be perfect and amazing. It will truly be his loss.

Kristin said...

I actually teared up at the thought of your son walking you down the aisle... it's such a beautiful act and I am sorry your father has chosen not to see it and celebrate in his daughter and his grandson... However, this selfish behavior sounds typical of him (just from the history you have shared... hope I am not stepping on toes.

Happy Wedding!

dana said...

I'm sorry your father isn't acting his age. Plain and simple. He's your father, he should understand your decision just as he expected you to understand his choice to cheat.

I wish I had the answers but I don't. I can only hope that for you and your wedding, things turn out the best.