i just haven't posted about it.
i mean, how do i say outloud that my dad isn't coming to my wedding? that my dad is choosing to not attend?
i guess i just did.
it's hard to write about this because i'm not entirely sure how i feel. i mean, when i first got the letter from him telling me that he wasn't going to come, i was completely shocked. i read the words, but couldn't possibly believe them. i had just seen him a month prior in tahoe and things were "fine" so how could he be telling me he wasn't coming? i didn't understand. i cried for a moment and then i went blank. i took a breath and the tears stopped falling. and then my insides just went numb. and they've been that way in regards to this, ever since. this constant numbness. it's not pain- because that would hurt like hell. maybe it's a buffer. you know, to stop the hurt. maybe it's just been so constantly painful for the past 3 years, that my heart can't take it anymore? maybe i just don't know anything.
it's hard to put all of this into words. it's hard to make sense out of things that just don't make sense to me. and it's even harder to think that i'm sitting here thinking and feeling all of these things, and he is thinking and feeling the exact same things- but for other reasons. see, i'm not making any sense. let me rewind..
blake is walking me down the aisle. my son. my adorable, charming, little sweetheart of a kid, who i want to be as much a part of this wedding as i can make him, is walking his mom down the aisle. my father, is not. i don't feel bad about this decision. it was the right one for me based upon numerous reasons. i am very content and at peace with my decision to not have my dad walk me down the aisle.
my dad however, is not. he is very hurt. very upset and can't understand how i don't want him to "give me away." he doesn't understand why i can't seperate his cheating and leaving my mother, with the father he was to me. (not taking into account the last 3 years of course). and i don't understand what he doesn't understand about it? and i also don't understand how my child walking with me could possibly be that offensive?!?! i mean, it doesn't get any less offensive than that.
so here we are. he is completely shocked and numbed that i don't want him to walk me down the aisle and i'm completely shocked and numbed that he doesn't want to attend my wedding. i guess in my mind they aren't even the same things. maybe he is just justifying his reasons for not going. maybe in his mind, it makes it all my fault. since i won't give him something, then he won't give me something. but of course, it all stems from my not giving it first. so it's my "fault" right? i just wonder when the blame gets placed on the right shoulders? when the correct person will start carrying the burdon of their actions?
i guess i just don't understand a lot of things... the main one being the fact that my dad can tell me that as long as i'm okay with him not walking me down the aisle, then i should understand how he's okay with not coming to my wedding. but that's the thing.... i don't understand how he can be okay with that. i just don't.