Sunday, April 29, 2007

sometimes i feel like i don't fit in as a mom

those times are usually when i'm at some function for blake's school. and i find myself surrounded by these women who have nothing to talk about except for what was discussed at the latest PTA meeting, or to bitch about the fact that they ordered new tables for lunch in august, and they didn't get them until april. the horror.

all the mom's walk in and they know eachother by name. i walk in and i don't know anyone. "whose mom are you?" they ask and then all stare at me like a group of falcons staring at their prey. "blake's" is my response, to which they all start hooting and hollering about how wonderful he is and they start calling him nicknames and so on and so forth. but then it's quickly back to "oh my god, the tables. and recess. and lunch. and we didn't have much rain this year- i do NOT like droughts."

i chimed in for the rain part and told them it was perfect and i hope it rains that amount next year and every year coming.

they didn't like that.

i didn't care. i gave them an out to dislike me by telling them i was from LA. you know, that way they could write off my personality as being from "there." not sure if it worked or not.

i don't know. i just look at these moms sometimes and i can't picture myself really being friends with any of them. i feel like i have nothing in common with them- and i totally see them as OLD. which is laughable because i'm sure we're the same age, or hell, i might even be older.... but i don't seem like it. they seem boring. and typical. and NOT FUN. that's when i just look around wondering if anyone else in the room feels like an outcast like i do. and i always decide that no.. i don't think they do.

Friday, April 27, 2007

it's a blogland baby shower!

have you heard about the baby shower that is happening in blogland? yes, i said a baby shower... in blogland! (saying and typing blogland still makes me laugh)

it's going on right now and you should be a part of it! the shower is for 3 very lovely pregnant mama's!!!! HOW FUN IS THAT??? super fun! you know you want to play! i know i do!!

there are games, prizes and all sorts of fun stuff! such a cute idea put on by some very talented & thoughtful ladies!!!!

go check it out! because i mean really, what else are you going to do?

ps- whoever wins basket G, i'm coming for you. all i want are the dvd's.. you can have the rest. YOU HEAR ME WOMEN?

Thursday, April 26, 2007

your man's friends

love em? or hate em?

for the most part, boyfriend has really, really great friends. i trust them. i like them. i love their gf's and/or wives. his group of friends are solid. and i completely enjoy having them around, or going out with them. (except for johnny and katie who moved to LA and abandoned us) i've always felt really blessed that i love his friends so much.

but there is always that one. that one guy you just don't fully trust. the one guy who makes you cringe a little when your man is going out on the town with him. and you cringe because you know him. he's jaded. he's bitter. and he talks crap about relationships way too much. the typical "women are objects, who can i hook up with tonight," type of guy. you know deep down it's all a cover because all he wants is a good relationship like the rest of us (even if he won't admit it). but for now, he plays the game. which on any typical day, is perfectly fine. but on this day, he wants your man out with him. and that's when the cringes start to creep in. you know it's not going to be a "your relationship rocks" type of evening. it's going to be something vastly different.

i know i'm not the only one who has to deal with this. so tell me if your man has uber perfect friends all the way around, or tell me about the one that isn't so great...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

there's a wedding in my head

and it won't leave.

the wedding is slowly, but surely, getting closer. before you know it, it will be june (the month of the wedding) and i will probably start completely freaking out. i had a moment the other day when i started shaking and my mind almost had a melt down because in that tiny fraction of a moment i realized that people are actually GOING TO EAT THE CAKE!

i know, i know- i am weird. but it's like i've been planning for this day for over 2 years and everything just seems like plans. plans that are never actually going to happen. they're just plans that will stay plans forever. but then i realized that my delicious, and potentially hideous, cake will be at the reception and i am actually going to have feelings about it and the way it looks and tastes and i freaked out! but it passes as quickly as it arrived. thank the goddess.

there is still much to do. i haven't gotten a single concept design from our graphic designer for the cd's. so i'm waiting for those to come, so we can make adjustments, print them, and then put them on 300 cd's. boyfriend's dad is marrying us (which i think is the coolest thing in the world), but that means we pretty much have to create the whole entire ceremony, vows, etc. i'm still waiting for the last of the annoying rsvp's to come in. and if they're late, do you start calling people or what? once i have all that confirmed, we have to give the final headcount and pay off the reception site. and then i have to create the seating chart, where if one more person tells me where to sit them, i'm sitting them outside (where there are no tables). and in keeping with the seating chart, i have to create and print all the labels for people that tells them where they are sitting. not hard, just time consuming. i have to put together gift baskets and a bunch of "have to wait until the last minute" reception decorations. i still have to get alterations on my dress and break in my shoes. and i have to pray to the goddess that my hair and makeup will be stunning, because for peets sake crying out loud, i am freaking the fuck out about it.

but above and beyond all of this, i have to make blake's birthday special for him. i specifically did not want to get married before blake's birthday because i didn't want to be on the honeymoon during his birthday and i didn't want our anniversary to come before his birthday every year. so it's after. but it's close after and i'm afraid that this year's bd will be totally overrun by wedding details, and i don't want that. so i'm trying very hard to make sure the day of his bd is all about him and not about the wedding at all. i can do it!

*dies*

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

i want to bitch

i want to complain about wedding stuff and how the most annoying part of this whole entire thing, has been the responses. how we've had the responded for 2 people, when only 1 was invited and just how annoying it truly is. how the way people have responded to the invites has been the one single thing that has almost caused me to lose my mind.

i have things i want to say, but won't because far too many people read this blog- and i don't want to start chaos before the wedding. maybe after it's done i'll write about it. maybe by then, i won't care.

i have other things i want to discuss as well, but simply cannot because of who reads this. maybe in time i can talk about some of these things. but once again, maybe by then it simply won't matter.

i will tell you that i had a dream about liz.. aka mom-101 last night. she had bought a house next door to mine for "way too much money" (her words, not mine) and she got absolutely livid at me for telling her she was too skinny. she was pregnant, but she had NO belly and she was rail thin. she flipped her lid and started a freaking blog war about girls who hate being told that they are too thin- and how it's the same thing as girls being told, or feeling like they are too fat. she said that i knew the blog code about telling skinny girls they are too skinny and i broke it. i basically told her she was a wack job and then i wanted to buy her house. LOL

Monday, April 23, 2007

not much to say

i don't really have much of anything to say lately, but i thought i'd share the links that i've been keeping up with, with you:

paul.. his girlfriend was wounded at virginia tech. she was one of the people holding the table over the door in the classroom i believe and got shot in the hand when the gunman fired through the door trying to get in. he hasn't updated it lately, but i'm sure he will soon.

bryce.. he has been keeping a journal of this ever since it happened and has gotten national publicity, scrutiny, and every "y" you can think of. all i know is i'm thankful for what he's provided because he's brought me onto the campus of virginia tech when i've so desperately wanted to be there.

the college newspaper. because i get a perspective from them that i don't get just anywhere else.

and of course, the college website itself. i don't know why i keep visiting it, but i do.

other than that, my brain is mush and i don't feel like i have much to say. there is a lot floating around in my mind, but none of it is making much sense, so i'll spare you.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

a killer's parents

i've had this post written for DAYS, but was just waiting for the right time to post it...

in the wake of virginia tech, i want to talk about some people that no one really talks about.. well, unless it's to place blame, point fingers and burn at the stake.

the killer's parents (and his family).

not all bad kids come from bad homes. not all assholes have asshole parents. can you imagine for one minute what it must be like to be those people? not only have you lost your own child, but your child is responsible for killing 32 others. does anyone feel bad for them? does anyone even ever think about them?

i think they totally get lost in the shuffle. no one grieves for or with them. no one talks about their loss or their devastation. they have to live with this, possibly even worse, than the "regular" victims families do. there is more guilt for them... more questions and even less answers. i can't even begin to imagine their pain. i can't even begin to imagine their personal horror and what they'll do to themselves in the months to come. and i definitely don't envy the position that they are now in. i'm sure they will question and beat themselves up for things they just couldn't have possibly predicted. everything even slightly "off" from the past will suddenly become a "sign." and it's not fair. because we can't be expected to read minds. even if we are the parent, sibling, or relative of the killer.

i felt the same way about the columbine killers parents. even though there were minimal signs of neglect, how well do you REALLY know your kids? i think that dylan and eric were masterminds of bullshit. they acted one way to and around their families, but were completely different to eachother and others. i don't think it's that hard to hide aspects of your personality if you want too. and can parents really be expected to know if their child is planning on going on a rampage? does having a problem child immediately mean they're going to kill people?

i guess i just feel bad that so many fingers get pointed at these people- as if they should have known intimitely what their son(s) were thinking and feeling and planning on doing. i think it's a lot of ask of anyone. and hindsight is always 20/20. i guess i just always remember that while the killer was a disturbed psycho, his family might not have been. and they are probably in more pain than any of us can even begin to fathom... and that makes my heart hurt for them.

i want to be clear that i am in no way sympathetic to the killer(s). i do not feel bad for them or whatever fucked up mental issues they had. i.don't.care. i don't want excuses for why they did this. shut the hell up about the bullying and teasing. get a freaking grip. everyone is teased. everyone is bullied. and they don't go kill people. i think the killers are pussies and pieces of shit. this is about the family they've left behind to pick up the pieces of their fucked up actions. the selfish way they've affected their families beyond comprehension. i am sympathetic to those left behind. those whose hearts are probably filled with more hurt than one could stand.

Friday, April 20, 2007

a day of healing

obviously the shooting at v tech has affected me. certain things will just strike a chord with me and they become something that i can't easily shake. columbine was by far the worst for me (not including 9/11). this is up there.

but you know what i thought the other day? i thought that the worst was already behind them. behind all of us. because the day that it was happening... the day all those horrific events were unfolding.. well that was the worst day of all. while it was actually going on. the immediate aftermath. the trying to make sense of it all, and find out who is safe and who isn't, and just what the hell is going on.

but then the next day comes. and the awfulness is already a day behind us. we are no longer living in "the day" that it all happened. and each day that passes, that day gets further and further behind. and each day comes with a little more understanding.. a little less pain.. and a little more healing. at least that's what i hope.

and none of that means forgetting. a day when the tears stop falling, doesn't mean that you've forgotten. doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt. doesn't mean that you've stopped caring. it just means that you've been able to live with the pain and move forward. i'm not sure you ever fully forget the pain. i think it becomes a part of you in some way. you just can't let it define you.

so today, on the 8 year anniversary of columbine... my thoughts are with all of those families, and all of yours.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

in their honor

because in the wake of this horror, it is their names that we should remember. their faces we should honor. their lives we should never forget.
we are all virginia tech.
"today, we are all hokies."

virginia tech memorial 4-17-07




ross
Ross Alameddine, 20, of Saugus, Mass. He was a sophomore English major who was gunned down in French class.
Alameddine's mother, Lynnette Alameddine, said Tuesday that she was "trying to get through the day here." "You're such an amazing kid, Ross," wrote Zach Allen, who also attended Austin Prep, according to his profile. "You always made me smile, and you always knew the right thing to do or say to cheer anyone up." his myspace is here


jamie
Jamie Bishop, 35, an instructor in German and German literature. According to his Web site (www.memory39.com), Bishop spent four years living in Germany, where he "spent most of his time learning the language, teaching English, drinking large quantities of wheat beer, and wooing a certain fraulein." The "fraulein" was Bishop’s wife, Stephanie Hofer, who also teaches in Virginia Tech’s German program.


brian
Brian Bluhm, 25, from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, a civil engineering graduate student. “He was a real lovable, genuine, peaceful person,” said Mr. Marshall, who roomed with Mr. Bluhm while both were undergraduates at Virginia Tech. “He had a memorable laugh (more of a chuckle) and a huge heart,” Ms. Barnhill said. “He was a person of faith, a loyal friend, and a Hokie till the end. He deserved every good thing in the world, and we are all shocked and deeply saddened to have lost him.” his myspace is here


ryan
Ryan Clark, 22, from Martinez, Ga., a biology, English and psychology major. He was a resident adviser on the fourth floor of the dorm where the rampage began. "He was just one of the greatest people you could possibly know," Gregory Walton, a friend who graduated last year, said as he fought tears. "He was always smiling, always laughing. I don't think I ever saw him mad in the five years I knew him." "I don’t think there’s enough words to explain how you feel when someone passes,” she said. "But he was one step above a lot of people."
his myspace is here


austin
Austin Cloyd, 18, from Charlotte, NC... Freshman, International Studies & French. Harter, whose church held a prayer service for the family Tuesday night, described Cloyd as a "very delightful, intelligent, warm young lady" and an athlete who played basketball and volleyball in high school. But it was the mission trips to Appalachia that showed just how caring and faithful she was, he said. "It made an important impact on her life, that's the kind of person she was," he said.


elizabeth
Jocelyne Couture-Nowak, age unknown, a French language teacher and former Montreal resident, according to the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. Taggart remembers her former teacher as a "one of the most caring, loving teachers I have met on our campus, an incredible professor and woman."


daniel
Daniel Perez Cueva, 21, a student from Peru who was studying international relations. He was shot during French class, according to his mother, Betty Cueva. "I'll miss his smile and his laughter," friend Donald Smith told CNN. "We're missing a friend, a very good friend."


kevin
Kevin Granata, 45, an engineering science and mechanics professor who was married and had three children.Engineering professor Demetri Telionis said Granata was successful, but also kind. "With so many research projects and graduate students, he still found time to spend with his family and he coached his children in many sports and extracurricular activities," Telionis said. "He was a wonderful family man. We will all miss him dearly."


matthew
Matthew Gwaltney, 24, from Chester, Va... majoring in Environmental Engineering. “Matt came home Thursday night. He had an interview in Richmond Friday morning, and we got to have dinner with him,” said Linda Gwaltney, his stepmother. “He went back to school Friday after his interview.” It was the last time they saw their only child.
Gwaltney had been his high school newspaper’s sports editor and was named “Best guy to take home to your parents,” his high school principal, Robert Stansberry, said.
his myspace is here


caitlin
Caitlin Hammaren, 19, of Westtown, N.Y., was a sophomore majoring in international studies and French, according to officials at her former school district.
Vanessa Oratvz posted on MSNBC.com that Hammaren was her dorm resident adviser. "She was the nicest person I have ever met," Oratvz wrote. "She would do anything for you at the drop of a hat without any questions. She was always there to help you, or just talk. Late night she would stop in and say hi whenever she could. She was always dedicated to helping her friends and the community." her myspace is here


jeremy
Jeremy Herbstritt, 27, of Bellefonte, Pa. A graduate student in engineering, he had received his bachelor's degree from Penn State and graduated from Bellefonte High School in 1998.
"He was a wonderful student and person, and will be greatly missed," Amy Sten posted on MSNBC.com, identifying herself as a former teacher of Herbstritt's.


rachel
Rachael Hill, 18, of Richmond, Va., a freshman. She had graduated from Grove Avenue Christian School, where Pastor Mark Becton said he had spoken with her mother.
"When you talk to a parent who has just lost a child over something as violent or tragic as this, you just don't know how you will be able to comfort them," Becton said, according to the Richmond Times. "But the first words out of her mouth were, 'We want all the glory to go to God, because that's the way Rachael would have wanted it.'"


emily
Emily Hilscher, 19, from Woodville, Va., according to family friend John McCarthy. She was a freshman majoring in animal and poultry sciences.
"Emily was a beautiful, talented, sweet kid who had a world of potential," he told MSNBC.com.A friend, Will Nachless, 19, said Hilscher "was always very friendly. Before I even knew her I thought she was very outgoing, friendly and helpful, and she was great in chemistry."
her myspace is here


Jarrett
Jarrett Lane, 22, from Narrows, Va., a senior majoring in civil engineering who was valedictorian of his high school class. “He had a caring heart and was a friend to everyone he met,” Farrell said. “We are leaning on God’s grace in these trying hours.”
In a posting on MSNBC.com, Jessica Green wrote that "the small but very close community of Narrows, VA lost a dear friend and an amazing guy. Jarrett Lane was a very humble and down-to-earth guy and there couldn't have been any sweeter person to have a conversation with. Our small town is feeling the effects of this heinous crime that took place just 20 minutes away."



matthew
Matthew La Porte, age unknown, from Dumont, N.J., a freshman majoring in university studies. He had been an Air Force cadet at Virginia Tech, according to his former platoon leader, David Wheeler."Matthew was an exemplary student at Carson Long whose love of music and fellow cadets were an inspiration to all on campus," Carson Long said in a statement.
La Porte graduated third in his class and was also drum major for the school's drum and bugle corps during his senior year. his myspace is here


henry
Henry Lee, 20, from Roanoke, Va., a freshman majoring in computer engineering. A Virginia Tech classmate who lived in Lee’s hall, Nathan Spady, described Lee as “an extremely bubbly guy, always ready to go.”
Friends continued to post hundreds of messages and remembrances on Lee’s Facebook page since he was shot to death, knowing he would never get to view them.
“Remember how you used to freak out when I hugged you all the time?” one read. “I’m not so sorry for that anymore.”


liviu
Liviu Librescu, 76, an engineering science and mechanics lecturer. Born in Romania, he survived the Nazi Holocaust and emigrated to Israel in 1978 before moving to Virginia in 1985.After surviving the Nazi killings, Librescu escaped from Communist Romania and made his way to the United States before he was killed in Monday’s massacre, which coincided with Israel’s Holocaust Remembrance Day.
Librescu's son, Joe, said his father's students sent e-mails detailing how the professor saved their lives by blocking the doorway of his classroom from the approaching gunman before he was fatally shot.
“My father blocked the doorway with his body and asked the students to flee,” Joe Librescu said from his home outside of Tel Aviv. “Students started opening windows and jumping out.”


gv
G.V. Loganathan, 51, was an Indian-born lecturer at the Department of Civil and Environmental Engineering.
"We all feel like we have had an electric shock, we do not know what to do," his brother G.V. Palanivel told the NDTV news channel in India. "He has been a driving force for all of us, the guiding force." "Dr. Loganathan was an excellent teacher and mentor ... I will always remember him for his kind heart and patience he displayed towards me and his other students. He truly had a passion for teaching and getting to know his advisees. He was a primary reason that I chose to pursue a career in the engineering specialty of water resources and I credit much of my success to him. He will be missed greatly."


partahi
Partahi Lombantoruan, 34, of Indonesia, was a civil engineering doctoral student, according to Kristiarto Legowo, a spokesman for the foreign ministry. “We tried everything to completely finance his studies in the United States,” said his father. “We only wanted him to succeed in his studies, but ... he met a tragic fate.”
His stepmother, Sugiyarti, said he had called almost daily to talk to the family. In their last conversation he had asked for the latest news on Indonesian politics.
“Why can people bring guns to campus?” she asked, weeping. “How is it possible that so many innocent people could be killed? How could it happen?”
An aunt, 53-year-old Christina Panjaitan, said her nephew was hardworking, intelligent and never complained. “He told me he wanted to teach in America,” she said.


lauren
Lauren McCain, 20, of Hampton, Va. An undergraduate majoring in international studies. On her MySpace page, McCain listed "the love of my life" as Jesus Christ.
Her family said the 20-year-old international studies major became a Christian some time ago.
"Her life since that time has been filled with His love that continued to overflow to touch everyone who knew her," the family said in a statement. her myspace is here


Dan
Daniel O'Neil, 22, of Lincoln, R.I. A graduate student in environmental engineering, he also played guitar and wrote his own songs, which he posted on a Web site, www.residenthippy.com . “He would come home from school over the summer and talk about projects, about building bridges and stuff like that,” Craveiro said. “He loved his family. He was pretty much destined to be extremely successful. He just didn’t deserve to have happen what happened.” his myspace is here


juan
Juan Ortiz, 26, a graduate student in civil engineering from Puerto Rico, was killed while teaching a class, his father said. "He was an extraordinary son," his father, Juan Ramon, said. "On his wedding day, I told him ... what I felt in my heart, I thanked him for being my son, it was special."


minal
Minal Panchal, 26, a first-year building science student from Mumbai, India, according to foreign ministry spokesman Navtej Sarna. She was very keen to go to the United States for postgraduate studies and thrilled when she gained admission last year, said Chetna Parekh, a friend who lives in the bustling middle-class Mumbai neighborhood of Borivali, India, where Panchal lived before coming to Virginia Tech. "She was a brilliant student and very hardworking. She was focussed on getting her degree and doing well."
Panchal was worried about her mother, Hansa, living alone and wanted her to come to the U.S., neighbor Jayshree Ajmane said. Hansa left earlier this month for New Jersey, where her sister and brother-in-law live.
Ajmane called Panchal a bright, polite girl who would help the neighborhood children with their schoolwork.


erin
Erin Peterson, 18, graduated in 2006 from Westfield High School in Chantilly, Va., along with a second victim, Reema Samatha. A fan of "old-school" TV shows like "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Sanford and Son," Peterson described herself on what appears to be her MySpace profile as a "jeans and a t-shirt girl." Friends left anguished messages on her profile as news of the shootings first spread. The messages now recall fond memories of graduation and prom night. "You have no idea how much my heart aches knowing I'll never see you again," one message read.


michael
Michael Pohle, 23, of Flemington, N.J., graduated from Hunterdon Central High, according to school officials. "He had a bunch of job interviews and was all set to start his post-college life," Blanton told The Star-Ledger of Newark.
At the high school, Pohle played on the football and lacrosse teams.
One of his old lacrosse coaches, Bob Shroeder, described him as "a good kid who did everything that good kids do."
"He tried to please," Shroeder told the newspaper. "He was just a great kid."


julia
Julia Pryde, 23, a graduate student from Middletown, N.J. She traveled to Peru with a professor to work with students there on improving water systems in South America, was fluent in Spanish and enjoyed hiking the Appalachian Trail. She was an “exceptional student academically and personally,” said Saied Mostaghimi, chairman of the biological systems and engineering department where Pryde was seeking her master’s degree.
“She was the nicest person you ever met,” Mostaghimi told The Star-Ledger of Newark.


reema
Reema Samaha, 18, from Centreville, Va., a freshman who also performed with the school's Contemporary Dance Ensemble. Her brother Omar, a Virginia Tech graduate, told NBC's TODAY show that she was shot dead while in French class.
Her sister Rhonda added that "she was pretty much my second half, we did everything together. I looked up to her, and she looked up to me."
her facebook is here


waleed
Waleed Shaalan, 32, of Zagazig, Egypt, was a doctoral student in civil engineering, the university said. Shaalan was married and the father of a 1-year-old son, according to the Muslim Students Association at Virginia Tech.“He was the simplest and nicest guy I ever knew. We would be studying for our exams and he would go buy a cake and make tea for us,” Fahad Pasha, Waleed’s roommate, said on the association’s Web site.


leslie
Leslie Sherman, age 20, a sophomore majoring in history and international studies. "Leslie Sherman was a remarkable young lady," an anonymous poster wrote to MSNBC.com. "Everyone looked up to her." The poster, from Springfield, Va., recalled running cross country and track with Sherman in high school. "She always put 100 percent effort into running, as well as into every other aspect [of]life." She text-messaged one of her cousins the evening before she died. “She was so happy. Life was going so well for her,” said Adams, who described the family as “just beside themselves” with grief.


mary
Mary Read, 19, of Annandale, Va., according to her aunt, Karen Kuppinger, of Rochester, N.Y.She had yet to declare a major.
"I think she wanted to try to spread her wings," said Kuppinger, whose niece had struggled adjusting to Virginia Tech's large campus. She'd recently begun making friends and looking into a sorority. her myspace is here


maxine
Maxine Turner, 22, from Vienna, Va., a senior majoring in chemical engineering.
Elizabeth Tracz posted to MSNBC.com that she had been a classmate of Turner's at James Madison High School in Vienna. "She was at the top of our class and did really well in school ... Vienna is a very close, tight-knit community and I know those from our graduating class of 2003 and all other JMHS students past and present are grieving from this tragic loss of life."
her myspace is here


nicole
Nicole White, 20, from Carrollton, VA.. a junior majoring in International Studies and German. "I grew up with Nicole White," Michelle D. Clay, of Toccoa Falls, Ga., wrote to MSNBC.com. "She was one my four best friends, and we all shared everything."
"I never imagined she would be gone in the blink of an eye."

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

tears for virginia tech

my heart. it hurts.

my head. it throbs.

this virginia tech shooting.. 4 days before the "anniversary" of columbine. 8 years that sometime feel just like yesterday.

things like this make me so incredibly sad. yet, among my sadness is my incredible desire to know. all.of.the.details. it's sick really. but i guess it's because when something like this happens, i want to make some sort of sense out of it all. and the only way to do that, is to have "answers."

i stumbled upon this kids livejournal. and in reading his blog, i found my heart aching for his pain. aching when he talks about kids just wanting to grieve and the media being in their faces, taking millions of pictures. and i understand both sides- because i'm on the outside, wanting to look in. i'm not there, but i grieve with everyone there. and seeing the pictures.. hearing the voices.. being brought there through the media, helps me. which as i write this, sounds really, really selfish.

i know that everyone is criticizing the police and asking questions. i mean, isn't that always the first thing they do when something like this happens? they did it at columbine. and now they're doing it for here. i just think that people need to keep in mind that no 2 situations are the same. no 2 freaking pyschotic killers are the same. everyone talks about preventing these situations, and i just don't think we can ever truly do that. simply because no 2 people are the same. they don't have the same thoughts, the same plans, the same motives, etc. the only thing that stood out to me was that the university sent everyone emails. and all i know is that if it was me, i wouldn't be checking my email first thing in the morning. now a text message on my cell phone is another story. maybe they should put that in place. or maybe not rely on just 1 form of communication in an emergency. doesn't the school have sirens? ring those fuckers. hopefully we can all learn from this and every university can make sure they have something in place for something like this. i know it's awful and horrible and at all of these people's expense.. but i like to think that something as terrible as this, can have good come from it. it has to. because it can't have all been for nothing.

virginia tech's school newspaper has been the best source of information, in my opinion. they are constantly updating. you can find them here. but if it's not working, try this link.

i want to end this post with my thoughts, respect, love, condolences to all of the victims, their families, their friends, people who just saw them on campus but didn't know them and the community of blacksburg, virginia.

today my heart breaks for you and your lives cut short:
Maxine Turner
Henry Lee
Matt La Porte
Jamie Bishop Instructor
G.V. Loganathan Professor
Juan Ortiz
Jarrett Lane
Ryan Clark
Leslie Sherman
Caitlin Hammaren
Liviu Librescu Professor
Kevin Granata Professor
Reema Samaha
Emily Hilscher

Monday, April 16, 2007

i cannot possibly be the ONLY bride

who doesn't want to look like a princess on her wedding day?!?!?! princesses aren't sexy. princesses are pretty. i don't want to look pretty. i want to look sexy. fuck pretty. i want to look smoking hot.

i mean, this is the conversation that happened after 3 hours of getting my hair and makeup done this past weekend:

me: "omg. i look like a princess!!!!!"
hair chick: "shutup! don't say that! you do NOT!!!!"
me: "UH HUH!!!!! ew! i so do!!!"


then i proceeded to turn around and ask everyone else in the room if i did, or did not, look like a princess in a fucking disneyland parade??? the best part was- they didn't really know how to answer that question. i mean, if they said yes, was i going to freak out? if they said no, was i going to freak out?!

it's official (again).. i am a freak.

it's a very weird experience getting your hair and makeup all done when you're wearing jeans and a tank top. obviously, your clothes don't match your freaking head and that alone is enough to make you feel like you don't look right. i did half wonder if i had the dress on, how different would i feel that i looked? i just don't know!

thank the goddess i took pictures though because i know now what needs to be fixed with my hair. i easily pinpointed what made me look princess puke worthy and i'm fairly certain it's an easy fix. my hair was the easy part. my makeup on the other hand, was a freaking nightmare. i'm having a super hard time trying to pinpoint exactly what doesn't look right. i know that the foundation was too light, and no one wants to look like a geisha girl on her wedding day. well, unless you're a geisha girl...

so yeah. it's weird. getting all done up, but just for pretends. and being expected to love it, because you should. but you don't. and how do you fix it? and i know this post sucks without pictures, but i just can't post any or boyfriend will disown me... and i didn't go through all this hell for nothing!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

hair? makeup?

yes! my trial hair and makeup is today! OMG! i can't post pics, but WISH ME LUCK!!!!!!! omg, i am like really getting married someday!!!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

kids are funny

blake is afraid of roller coasters. i mean, he has no interest in going on them because he thinks they look scary. blake isn't a daredevil with those kinds of things.
now with other things, he's a total daredevil superstar. like snowboarding for the first time, he wanted to go off the jumps and grab his snowboard and do "tricks." he's silly.

i wondered when he thought he would be old enough to go on roller coasters, so i asked him.
"probably when i'm 20," was his response.
"20?? how about 12?" i fired back.
"maybe even 35..." he said..

it just makes me laugh. i mean, does blake think that 20 is SO OLD, or does he just think it's an age he'll be someday?!?!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

i have a stamp, MAIL ME!

i think people think it's cute to personally hand me their response card to the wedding of the year.

first of all fuckers, it ruins the surprise of WHOSE response card this will be.

secondly, you're taking away precious amounts of excitement i get walking to the mailbox each and everyday. you do realize that the response you just had to hand me, could have been waiting for me in my mailbox, where it belongs, don't you?!?!

and last, but not least... i paid for the postage! i didn't put stamps on there for my health.

maybe i'll punish everyone who didn't mail me their response by putting them in the corner table behind the fireplace. *insert evil laugh here*

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

boob jobs

and other types of plastic surgery....

i mention getting a boob job every now and then in various conversations. i'm half serious, half not. i talk about getting one... but i've never actually researched it. don't know much about the procedure, cost, or anything other than the fact that the end result is one hell of a nice rack. and sometimes, that sounds really fun! especially for someone who has "chesticles" like i do.

but you know what stops me? the thought of suddenly having these huge tits, and trying to explain what the hell i just did to my body and WHY, to my 8 year old son. it's not like he wouldn't notice the difference. how do you teach your son not to treat women like objects, and to be a good man, when his mom just went and got boobs for whatever self imposed reason? how do i teach him to love people for who they are, and accept the way they look, when i just changed something about the way i look? how do you teach him to not judge women and be obsessed with their tits, when mom just went and made hers ginormous?

and then i totally project to having another baby, and having it be a girl.... and how do you teach her to love herself, no matter what- when you've had physical alterations? how do you teach her that her looks shouldn't matter, when you've changed yours?!??! how do you teach her to just accept the way she looks, and be okay with it- when it's obvious you weren't?

so i wonder... for those of you who have had plastic surgery- will your kids know what you did? or will you not tell them? and how will you explain it to them without sounding completely hypocritical? i'm not judging anyone who got anything done... to each their own (and who knows, i could still get boobs someday) i'm just curious.. how do you deal with this topic?

Monday, April 09, 2007

a love that is oh so true

boyfriend: "is that a dress or a shirt?"
ster: "grrr..it's a shirt!"
boyfriend: "it's SOOO green..."
ster: "so!"
boyfriend: "you look like a blowpop wrapper"
ster: "ooh, the watermelon kind???"



Friday, April 06, 2007

blogher role call!!!

who is going to blogher this year? i'm curious! i want to know if you're going.. if you're thinking about going.. where you're staying, etc.

give me all the details, because even though i will have just come back from my honeymoon a couple of weeks prior... who knows.. i could still go! (right honey???)

so role call time please! speak up! and if you're not going, tell me whyyyyyyy

don't you want to participate in this kind of madness: (apparently there was a lot of ass grabbing going on last year) *looks around innocently*

tracy works it.. oh yeah.
blogher 165

how could i resist the charms of izzy?
blogher 133

from 1 bad mother, to another
blogher 059

yes.. this is lena (of cheeky lotus) grabbing my ass
blogher 037

don't let her face fool you, this mom 101 liked it
booty love!  mom101 getting ass grabbed

from butts to boobs..
boobage! mega mom getting molested!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

my truths are your opinions?

in the post below, i talked about blake being taught about pesticides and environmental issues in class. i loved the comments because no one really got nasty and it became a good discussion in there where i could learn from your persepectives, opinions, etc. someone brought up a good point that maybe the pesticide topic came from a science discussion. and viola, my question as to "how was this topic even brought up" has potentially been logically answered. thank you.

i guess i just fear that kids are being given only one side of certain topics... whatever side the teacher's personal opinion happens to be. and that is where my problem lies. i believe that certain things that are not facts, should not be presented as such. i believe that if you want to teach about something, you should give both sides- even if you don't believe in one of them. i think that is what is fair to the kids. give them all sides, and then let them decide. you should teach them to question and not just blindly follow and believe whatever they see and hear. it seems to me that people don't have a problem with others believing what they hear on tv and such, as long as they agree with them.

i wonder where facts get blurred into opinions? when does an opinion end, and a fact begin? i think so many people are caught up in how they feel about a topic, that they fail to see that most of what they think and believe are just opinions, and not actual facts. and that's okay, but just admit it. share what you think and why, but also say something about the other side and what they think. ugh.. i don't know.

i guess the whole thing just caught me offguard because of the way blake said it.. "such and such is BAD." it was weird. so then i was like, "well why is it bad? why do you think it's bad?" and it was just such a bold statement that i knew didn't come from his own mind. i knew someone else put it there... and maybe my only problem with it, was that it didn't come from me??? because in essence, isn't that what we (as parents) do everyday? shape our kids opinions on things, by how we personally feel about them? but i'm not also in a classroom environment, teaching 20 kids, where i'm supposed to be impartial. hell, are teachers supposed to be impartial?

see, this is why i hate myself sometimes. i see too many shades of gray and too many situations and exceptions and what if's and maybe's and ARRRRRGh.

i think my brain just exploded.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

welcome to environmental hell

moving up to marin county has been an experience. a lot of people up here are over the freaking top with their political beliefs, their environmental stance, and whatever else they can protest about. it's beyond annoying. i consider myself liberal, but when compared with these people... good god, don't compare me to these people. it's different up here. and not the good kind of different..

blake said something tonight during dinner, that kind of got me thinking. it was about his teacher and how he had told the class that something was "bad." they were having a conversation about pesticides and insects and birds and how their eggs were affected, etc. and why are they talking about this in 3rd grade? pesticides? and spraying fruit? i mean, how did this even come up???

it is a little bit scary because blake just happened to tell us this one particular conversation. what about all the other ones he doesn't tell us about? at open house recently, there was a sierra club poster in the classroom. i think it's a bit inappropriate because whether or not you want to admit it, the sierra club is a pretty political group. and while i think that some of the things they do are good, i could never support them based on the fact that they want offroading to be banned. they fight to close public land and roads so that people can't offroad on them. well that's something my family and i enjoy doing. we love to offroad. we always stay on the trail.. we leave it cleaner than we found it... and we get to see amazing places and things we wouldn't ever see otherwise. but the sierra club would have you believe that offroading is the worst thing ever for our environment (we might run over and crush a soon to be extinct rock). i hate the extremes and don't understand why there can't be more compromise on things? why people have to take such a firm, extreme stance, and not budge at all? why can't they just give all the information and state things as their opinion, rather than trying to pass them off as factual?

i guess it just makes me wonder what else blake is being told as an 8 year old, and not questioning? that's the worst part i guess. that he probably just listens, accepts and doesn't even think to question it. because what 8 year old mind is truly grasping these types of concepts? know what i mean?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

best.idea.ever.

live blogging from my wedding and reception? hello!!! how awesome would that be??? maybe becks will do it. admit it, that would be super fun! it would be like you were there!!! :)

Monday, April 02, 2007

working on my fitness

i just wanted to let y'all know that i am still working out! and i have gotten to the point where i actually WANT to do it!!!! yay!!!! i feel icky if i don't work out on one of my "must work out" days.

i still haven't lost weight or seen any other results, but i almost don't care. okay, that's totally a lie. but still..... i'm sticking with it. i feel good about it. and dammit, i swear now that it's spring (it is spring, right?) i'll start to lose weight. really. doesn't it make sense that if the weather is warmer, it will be easier to lose weight?? it makes sense in my mind.... which i guess doesn't account for much.

ps- i tried on my wedding dress this weekend with my shoes and it fits so freaking perfect, it's ridiculous! i love it! can't wait to wear it in real life, on the real day!!!!